Ask Lemmy

Well, very few of them remained successful. There is only like one person right now or maybe two with whom I am open enough to reveal my identity's crucial parts and not being judged. Most of them broke my heart, maybe, cuz I have trusted them from very beginning or maybe I am unlucky person who broke the hearts of those who wanna come closer to me and also got broken heart by those whom I chased.

I only have one friendship left, which is fine with me as more would honestly be too many for me. We've been friends since we were boys. Long story short, we both got serious, life-threatening/disabling diseases at the same time, and because of his gentle persistence over years, he finally got me to open up to him about it and be okay with him opening up to me.

Now we have this nice thing where we actually emotionally support each other through tough times. He's one of the best people I've ever known and he's stuck by me for decades even when I didn't bring anything to the friendship.

This is one of the things that I'm pretty satisfied with and grateful for in my life. No romance, currently no job, not much I'm excited about on the horizon, but I'm very happy with the friendships I've cultivated with other dudes. I just wish we all lived closer together. A handful of us do a semi-regular video chat where we check in and see how everyone's doing. We hold space for emotional vulnerability and support each other however we can. We talk about issues with life, family, or sometimes just shoot the shit and have a regular chat about whatever we've been up to.

When people talk about holding your male friends accountable for saying sexist things or reinforcing typical toxic bullshit, I feel very fortunate that I just don't have friends like that. I like to think I'd call it out if it happened, but I just never have to hear that kind of shit from my friends and I don't think I'd cultivate a friendship with someone who's comfortable saying that kind of stuff.

We're all in our 30's at this point and some are starting families. I don't get to see everyone as much as I'd like, but any time I get to spend around them always feels so restorative. I've never been shy about expressing my true feelings and I tell each and every one of them that I love them. I used to really enjoy making my more guarded friends squirm with an "I love you," but it doesn't really work anymore because now everyone is just as comfortable saying it as I am.

I wish every dude could have guy friends like this. There's a lot of cultural baggage that makes it harder than it should be. I appreciate the question because I often struggle with feeling gratitude for the things in my life that I'm most thankful for. I spend too much time in a negative headspace, but I've got a good bench of bros I can lean on and I need to appreciate that.

I don't project insecurities as lack of friendships

Guy friends are kinda rare for me, none of them i feel normal about. I had a guy friend who kinda fell off the face of the earth because he's so miserable working at amazon and doing trade school simultaneously. Worried as hell for him. And then i made another guy friend recently but now we're super gay for eachother so i guess i feel really good about that one? Definitely not an ordinary friendship though.

I have a wife and kids and a good amount of friends. Some are friends of convenience (neighbors and such I see everyday or kids are friends and we hang out or are part of our puckleball league) and some are just aquiantances but I got like 4-5 friends I really enjoy seeing and hang out with twice a month or more.

All of my friends are on Discord living several states away (one is in Canada). I don't have any friends that live close by I could go do something with. Been with these guys for over a decade and we meet up in person every couple years at a convention. I'm happy when I'm talking to them, but I'd love nothing more than to have a friend I could hang out with in person. My therapist encouraged me to do volunteer work and look for hobby groups. I've been doing those and the hobby groups worked a lot better, but I never feel like I'm getting to know any of these people even after talking to them for a while. Like it still just feels no different than the Discord group where we only see each other in this one specific moment and never outside of it.

So im older and married. Marriage like it or not kinda is the end to the buddies phase. I saw it in my friends who married before me and in myself. Problem is there is only so much time and my wife and I don't spend enough quality time together as it is. Its not just males she also does not meet with friends as often. Add to this people moving to other areas of the country or to other countries. Heck we don't even have kids. You even see it somewhat with dating. Any guy in the group who gets a girlfriend is not seen as much as if they are they have the girlfriend in tow. Again not exclusively male thing. Females see it to. I firmly believe the stag party is a going away party ceremony.

Area Man Unsure If He’s Male-Bonding Or Being Bullied

No. Mainly for these reasons.

I tried more when I was younger. At some point I couldn't be bothered with those kind of things anymore.

Maybe it's just me or the places I've been, but men are value superficially. Most guys I've thought were friends were shallow or based on value extractions.

There was one man only who didn't care about tangible values. Whether that be monetary, social capital, or what have you. We drifted apart over the years and lost contact all together. Might be the only true friend I've ever had.

It seems from my experience the gateway to most male friendship is animalistic headbutting. I'm not about that. Maybe I tired of that too soon before my age group moved on from that phase. I don't know.

Hell yeah, I love my homies. Most of my friends I met through conventions, which is a pretty easy way to meet people. We game sometimes, we've worked on cosplay, had wild parties, and we talk and hang out sometimes. A bunch aren't local but I've also got a lot of guys who I hang out with locally.

You just gotta find the right people and don't hang out with the people who you don't vibe with. Throw a party for the people you do like and they can invite people that are cool they like.

I have painstakingly picked a few guys from literally all the guys I've ever met, and these guys are the best. It's been a lot of trial and error to get here, but it was well worth the effort.

Now that I've stopped drinking yes. Male friends before that were 'drinking buddies' which is not the same thing.

Also. Therapy helped.

I've moved too many times, and now I'm in that difficult age where I have teenage children, and all my peers are too focused on their careers. It's lonely, but I have four (or more) hobbies that I'm really passionate about, so I'm weathering it well enough... And I have my own career, but I work remote.

If any of you find yourselves in San Diego, California, and you want to get coffee/tacos/beer/whatever, send me a message.

Yes, my best friend and I have been friends for 35 years, even though he lives 1000 miles away. I’m close with one of my male cousins and we talk regularly. My wife and I also just hung out with another longtime male friend and his wife and just spent the night bullshitting. Also making new friends, including men, at the living history museum I’m on the board of.

I’m not always sure why these folks want to hang out with me, but I’m glad to have them in my life.

No. Not enough, not close, deep, or consistent enough.

Nah literally cut off my last main male friend group. I basically hung out with one dude and he'd hangout with other guys I've known for maybe 15-20 years but never I never hungout with them 1 on 1, just this one dude. I stopped responding to the group texts, don't accept invites and slowly weened my way out. These are the guys:

• One is in a "punk band." He grew up with a house maid. Tried to mock me multiple times for things like; wearing Docs, wearing band shirts(that he doesn't like), my tattoos(which are cool af). He's definitely just mad I am naturally way more punk than him without even trying.

• An alcoholic who has become more annoying as we aged.

• A pot head who doesn't share his weed, like ever. His dad bought him a house only one of us with a house, his dad paid for his college as well. No debt, doesn't share weed.

The main guy I used to hang with you could've called an anti-establishment/conspiracy theorist type. We would play co-op couch games and shoot the shit, drink a little and smoke a bit. Since 2015 he's slow walked down the path you imagine, never really diving head first, but walking it. He doesn't vote, but started listening to Tim Poole and slowly got worse from there. Just an absolute idiot that even when presented with information doesn't accept if it isn't what he thinks. The last time we hung out a few months ago we were talking about politics loosely and he kept doing this little bitch hand wave thing with this disgusted grimace on his face to anything about everything happening. The last thing I said was "You know man I miss talking about politics with you, it never used to be this pathetic we could just say whatever." Then I said bye and decided I don't ever wanna hangout with these dudes again.

Now my main friends are some ladies I used to work with and my online D&D group, which has two guys in it but they're like chill nerds.

My closest, only and true friend is a friend of 25 years.

We live in different countries today, don't speak everyday, but any opportunity we have to talk it seems like nothing has changed and we're still the same two goof balls we were back then.

Just added with a strong dad vibe. And jokes.

I have no friends.

it's mostly a personal choice, but also a lack of acceptable partners.

I rely on nobody. I lean on nobody. I share with nobody. not because I feel masculine doing it, but because I don't feel the need to. I've been "alone" for decades at this point and anything else feels foreign.

should I find one or many friends, they would inevitably need me more than I them and that would be unfair to them and me. if I would befriend someone like me it negates the friendship entirely. the importance of a friendship being built on bilateral support is often undersold or ignored entirely.

Am I lonely? sometimes. Am I happy? rarely. Am I satisfied? satisfactorily. introducing a friend to my life would inevitably destabilize my balanced world where it was no longer within my control.

Not really, but it's okay because I have my wife who is my best friend period.

You guys have friends?

I’ve tried, man. I at least got better at socializing in a common atmosphere, so I don’t feel so distant, but many people just don’t reciprocate communications. I invite a repeating occasion for people, and they’ll need 8 reminders or just not show up, to the point I don’t bother. When I realize I’m always the initiator, I decide that connection isn’t important to them.

God forbid a deeper need like confessing to traumas or needing emotional support. Some of the slightest favors I’ve asked of people have been too much. All the “above and beyond” actions I’ve ever seen in my life where people do things for one another have been in fictional media, never between actual human beings.

I believe that in my previous life I must've done something good that brought me luck in this one.

I have a group of a dozen male friends whom I would trust with my life and the lives of my family. I think the same holds for each and every one of them.

We all come from the same small town. The group grew since kindergarten a few of us went to, adding friends through school, highschool, university. We have different careers and each one brings a unique perspective on things.

We try to get together as often as possible, but with work and kids and families it's difficult to always make it. So we implemented the "minimum viable product" approach where any two of us will arrange to meet up, then notify everyone else about what/when/where we are planning, and have anyone else join if they can, too. So even if just the original two meet up, they get to see a good friend. And if more show up, so much the better.

I feel truly blessed in this regard. I think there's a huge number of benefits we all reap from such a group: social safety net, psychological support, sanity checks on ideas and life decisions, reliable people you can vent to, always having someone to have a beer with, interventions when needed.

I know few people have this, and if I could magically wish things into being, it would be that everyone in the world gets a friend group like this to rely on. I feel it would make things... significantly better.

Take care of each other out there.

I have an amazing set of male friends. We have been friends since college. We game, go on vacations, go to events, go out for dinner together, we help each-other out. We all talk to each-other at least once a week. We have weathered marriages, divorces, kids, grandkids, moves, addictions, hospital visits, and funerals.

Yep. I have a few really old friends elsewhere in the world that I'm no longer in regular touch with that were having a great time when we meet. Then I have my homies around the city that I've known for twenty odd years that we have a group chat with almost daily messages and I meet at least one about once a month. Finally I have the local dog people that have become friends over the last years that we happen upon outside, and some go on dog walks and I'm invited to their events and parties.

All these circles are both men and women, curiously progressively younger than me the more new friends and acquaintances I make. I feel that I can ask people in any of these circles if I need help or talk about something, selectively depending on the need but still.

I'm really an introverted dude with a need for private time so this is quite sufficient for my social needs and with my dog by my side I very rarely feel lonely.

Nope. Not at all. I used to. I had a decent group, for the first time in my adult life. Then we moved 1000 miles a few years ago. I haven't been able to find it. Got a few guys who might pan out but it's slow going. Several guys have let things wither. Idk why. No one invites me first, it's always me, though they do mostly say yes. It's frustrating.

All of the males around me are conservatives. No

No, I'm down to like 2 male friends at this point. All the others have gone off and had children and don't really make the time for friendship. Of those 2, both of them want kids so I'm sure I'll lose them too.

I'm glad I still have all my girls, they're all child free, so are fun and we hangout pretty often, but yeah, long gone are the days of hanging out with the boys.

I had a large group of friends (50+ people), then I was laid off due to AI and other stuff, and I changed from one specific hobby to another. I lost them all in a few months.

I'm old enough to understand that it is my karma to go from group to another. I made new "friends" with sports and music, but I now accept that I must now rely on myself only, and friends are fleeting.

My father is an asshole, friends are temporary, I am now trying to be my best friend because everything else is unreliable.

Yeah. I have several active groups of friends:

Neighbor friends. These are the people I tend to reach out to when I'm taking my kids to a playground or a local neighborhood restaurant or other activity. I usually coordinate with them for local neighborhood events.

Work friends. These are the people I tend to socialize with during the day, or with the periodic happy hour or work outing. Sometimes I travel with some of them for work, so it's sometimes a friendly partner to explore another city with in our down time, and usually some sort of shared project for the actual work time.

Text message friends. These are people who I don't necessarily hang out with in person all that much, mostly because we don't live in the same cities, but I have about 3-5 very active group text threads around some shared interest or common friend group or former social connection (like going to the same school), maybe 3-5 more somewhat active group text threads. We share memes, news stories, links, just general discussion about our lives, etc.

I've had to reset and make new friends probably 5 or 6 times in my life, moving cities somewhere new. Each time I get a new local friend group, and I try to stay in touch with the ones I got along with best. A lot of that social stuff was out of necessity, but it built some social skills and got me used to making friends well into my 30's and beyond.

Yes, we nuture it mostly on discord but also get together once a month or more and everyone is very supportive of each other. Just a handful of dudes hanging out and doing stuff together for decades. Very lucky they all stayed within an hour or so.

Don't know if I could form new friendships if I started from zero.

It's unfortunate, but friendships seem to be worn down by time. I've always been the person who will reach out if I feel like the other person also does but as soon as it feels one sided I lose motivation. When I was younger and lived closer to several people I considered friends, it felt nice. But as the years roll on, I find myself growing apart from friends in several ways. One of those ways is that despite seeming like not "kid people" several friends now have multiple kids and that's their life now. Which isn't really my thing. Other friends, I just feel I have less in common with than before, or they've gone off one deep end or another. Politics is a non zero factor. Conspiracy theories are another thing, unfortunately.

No

But I'm doing fine work and giving it my best.

Let me pat myself on the back instead of getting depressed about it for a change.

Fortunately, my male friendships were formed through shared experiences at difficult workplaces. I feel like only a percentage of workplaces are conducive to this type of bonding. Working front line tech support is one of the places where that can happen but also I've just been fortunate to have been adjacent to some great people when those situations arose.

I barely chat with my long ago male friends; we live in different regions and while we used to talk on the phone a lot, now it like once or twice a year. But I've got new long-haul friends from said workplaces and though we we only get together maybe every month or three, it's in person and that goes a long way.

I hope you keep at looking. Loneliness is a terrible feeling. I was utterly lonely for a lot of my life and it's very hard.I don't wish that for anyone except for the hateful bigots that need to be shunned to tell them their views, words, and actions are not acceptable.

I don't have any friends other than my wife. Am I satisfied? Yes, mostly. There are rare occasions where I'd like to spend time with a male that shares my hobbies but I don't really have time or the drive to go too far, so still waiting on a neighbor that smokes weed and is a nerd to move in.

Not really. I have a lot of trouble relating to other straight/cis men. The more time I spend around someone, the less I like them. I pretty much hate most "masculine" stuff. I have started to prefer ephemeral stuff like talking people up in public, doing board games and trivia nights, and attending niche meetups. Friendships rarely stick, but I do see the same people periodically which is nice

I've tried gaming, but card games are too expensive for my interest level, and I get burned out out video games too quickly to get into competitive stuff. A bunch of my friends from college bond over this, and it kinda sucks to feel incompatible with it. I sometimes get in on an D&D game which is great, but not especially frequent.

I have more female and LGBTQ friends than anything, but it's hard to feel fully included in those communities either because I'm pretty much a normie. It's still the most positive community I am a part of and tend to earn trust and an ally pretty quickly, so I lean on it.

I'm also pretty autistic and mostly want to talk to people about Linux, mesh networks, and data hoarding, and I have my best luck online. I'm a part of a few niche online communities and do IRL meetups and stuff.

I work in word tech startups, and like my coworkers, but they're not my close friends. Still, it's the closest I get to "my people", but it's mostly remote work and hardly anyone ever lives near me.

I an excellent relationship with my wife and she has a much easier time making friends. She and her friends all think it's weird that I don't have many close friends, and it really does feel like it's just hard to be a social man these days.

It does get to be hard. I do sometimes worry that I am uniquely unlikeable, but I also don't ever get that feedback. I just have no idea where I would find the kind of friend that thinks writing NixOS flakes and Terraform scripts is a fun leisure activity.

I'm satisfied but I think my bar is really low.

I hardly talk to any of them but if they ever messaged me out of the blue for help, I'd be there for them and I'd like to think they'd lend me a hand if things got really bad, too. That's all I could ask of them. I have one I see once every few months for a beer. We talk about games and general frustrations with life. He's an American living in Japan and I'm Canadian, but we seem to align politically so we don't need to tip-toe around that, which is nice.

What kinda friends are you looking for?? What needs weren't met when you say your peers disappointed you? Did they actively hurt you (emotionally or otherwise)?

If other guys are like me, they don't want or particularly feel the need to express their feelings because they already have a particular set of people who they feel comfortable being vulnerable in front of, so they can't reciprocate even if you want to open up.

I have stopped socializing.

I have nobody :(