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I have no friends.
it's mostly a personal choice, but also a lack of acceptable partners.
I rely on nobody. I lean on nobody. I share with nobody. not because I feel masculine doing it, but because I don't feel the need to. I've been "alone" for decades at this point and anything else feels foreign.
should I find one or many friends, they would inevitably need me more than I them and that would be unfair to them and me. if I would befriend someone like me it negates the friendship entirely. the importance of a friendship being built on bilateral support is often undersold or ignored entirely.
Am I lonely? sometimes. Am I happy? rarely. Am I satisfied? satisfactorily. introducing a friend to my life would inevitably destabilize my balanced world where it was no longer within my control.
I feel the other way with the few friends I have. I need them more than they need me, and it shows, it's always me reaching out. this makes me have the unfair feeling too, that I am taking their time
that's why it's important for that bilateral support.
people who haven't experienced a need for support can't understand the level of strength it takes to receive it.
in a friendship where you're given everything, guilt builds, which festers into regret and animosity. sometimes that can happen on both sides. sometimes just the figment of it happening is enough to end a friendship.
if the friendship is important to you, find your strength and find a way to support your friend. sometimes it's as easy as finding the strength to support yourself.
Eh, control's overrated 💜