chat

to be honest, her getting with someone who sounds like it IS a coping strategy. everyone i know who's ever done that did that bc they were uncomfortable with the idea of being single. so don't look at that and go "why can't i get over it that fast", because no one gets over relationships that fast, healthily

just take it slow. you'll be okay eventually. it took me a year to get over my last relationship (partially bc it was abusive), and i still have moments when i'm upset thinking about it. but eventually you'll realize you don't think about it that much, and you can be happy on your own

You’ll get over it. Lean on friends, keep yourself occupied. Avoid alcohol. Be cool.

two weeks after four years is a red flag

I hate to rely on an old trope but time does heal all wounds. I learned that losing my first love and also my mom. You're going through grief right now and it's a shitty thing. I'm not a therapist so I really don't have any advice outside of letting yourself feel your emotions. When I did grief counseling after losing my mom talking about it helped, journaling, allowing myself to feel what I had been suppressing down, all good things. If you think you need professional help for it, I'd strongly recommend talk therapy like that.

It will keep hurting for quite some time, I'm sorry to say. Feel it, and be sad. There's no use in trying to rush through it. Your mind and your body know when they're done grieving your loss, and they'll let you know when they're "done". Take deep breaths, go for walks and think about it, but also find things to do with other people, pursue hobbies etc. Finding the balance between distractions and working through it is hard, and it takes time to balance it in a way that helps you. For some people it works better when they have more time to think, for others it's better when they distract themselves. As a general tip, try not to go for full distraction or full contemplation, it doesn't help you.

I'm sorry this sounds so clinical, I hope it helps you still. Take care, comrade, you got this. We're here to listen whenever you need it

broke up with a partner of 9 years 6 months ago. im still not doing very well.

she was my first and only love and i'm truly heartbroken

you and i can both look forward to the novelty of future heartbreak. chin up comrade, the biosphere is falling apart. we are hairless chimps destroying our ecological niche but there will always be time for romance.

i remember one time, like within a week after a break up, my ex was with someone new and posting those couples-y photos on socials. and like, what was noteworthy was that the guy looked a lot like me. like enough to where it was pointed out to me by a friend of mine, since i was purposely staying away from social media by that point.

it kinda snapped me out of my head about it and gave me the perspective that sometimes relationships fall apart because one of the parties has a very specific partner they are looking for, and in this case i was just the latest candidate who fell short of someone else's life plan. in that way, it was not really about me.

as far as coping goes, i look for/investigate the things in life that i enjoy and put effort into pursuing them. when i was younger, i didn't do that. i pursued absolution through relationships, preferring to only see myself through a partner's eyes, so i always had this sensation like part of me was missing if i wasn't with or courting someone.

it took some doing to unpack that and pay more attention / invest in myself, but it's been worth it. i look back on some of those early relationships and now i'm grateful they didn't pan out.

Sorry comrade, the pain is real.

Statistics: most people do recover from something like this. Here's hoping you're in that category.

Coping: Distraction is good. Community is good -- friends, family, spend time with them doing something other than talking about your ex.

Also unless you two were poly and that "soemone else" she's with was her other partner, humongous on her being with someone else already. Says a lot about her.

I'm six weeks out from ending a two-year relationship. One of the things I've been thinking about is that I'm not just hurting from the breakup, but also from what the relationship was like.

shit might suck for a long time tbh but one day you’re gonna just basically be over it

one thing i’ll say is not to hold out for that “maybe one day we can try again”. that’s going to keep you stuck in a situation where you can’t move on therefore can’t heal

It takes way way longer than it feels like it should, but you’ll get there eventually I promise.

I’ve definitely felt “wow I’ll never find someone that perfect again” like 2 or 3 different times but it always ends when I realize how imperfect the relationship was. Usually while telling someone about it and getting a surprise concern face.

Absolutely cut contact. I don't really have any other advice because it depends on a lot of things about you, but it really sounds like you shouldn't be talking with her and you shouldn't be "keeping up with her" in any other manner (e.g. if you're friends on some social media thing, do whatever setting to hide her posts so you don't need to see them going forward).

It really sucks but you'll need to find a way to conceptualize your life without her in it, and clinging to the memory of a terminated relationship where she just hopped to someone else is not the way to accomplish that, it's just a way to hurt yourself.

It took me around 2 years I think to get over my last, and first, relationship. The first year was pain, the second was "trying to forget". It's good to have healed now, it wasn't easy and it wasn't quick, but now I no longer miss her. I just miss the feeling of love itself. My tip is to cut contact, don't reopen the wound, just let it heal.

will it ever be ok again?

You really can't answer this question without going through a year of this at least. 2 weeks is nothing within the lifespan of a person's life. This is true for broken up relationships, divorces, death of a family member, death of a family pet, death of a close friend, and so on.

You have to be patient and wait a year. You have to at least past through the break-up anniversary. Do not make major life decisions (marrying, moving to a different part of the country, moving out of the country, switching careers, and so on) in this year of waiting. Just wait and (try to) enjoy life for what it is. When that year is up, you'll be more level-headed and less emotionally volatile. This is different from saying you'll be over the relationship (you definitely won't), but your internal state is at a stable enough point that you can resume actively living life instead of passively taking whatever life throws at you.

does anyone know any good coping strategies or ways to deal with this?

Writing exactly how I feel and what I think helped me a lot when I went through sentimental hardships. Find whatever style suits you, I usually do "rambling" style prose but some people like to write poetry and songs or well-worded essays. Whatever you find the least uncomfortable (it's going to feel uncomfortable but it's worth it).

When you're done with your writing session and have no ideas left you go back to whatever you were doing, and if you find yourself ruminating about it again you start writing asap. The goal is to never lose yourself in your thoughts because your thoughts can echo endlessly in your mind while on paper everything that you already wrote is not worth repeating

I know it seems harsh but I really feel that the best solution in the short term is to cut contact. like you said, the hardest part really is getting used to your life without another person in it, but that is always going to be difficult whilst you are still in close proximity to them. this isn't to say that you should be hostile or block them absolutely everywhere, but politely say that you will take some time for your own space, and perhaps block them on the most common apps that you message them from.

whilst I've not experienced 4 years myself, I know that it could be incredibly difficult to have what feels like your entire life upside down in those early days. it does get better, and I know that because every person I've ever seen in a similar situation ends up so much happier in the long run. take each day as it comes, there are weeks where decades happen.

Just treat yourself well, with kindness. Eat well, sleep well, get sunlight. You will feel better evntually. An advice i try to keep in mind for myself in these situations that might be good for you too: Avoid distracting yourself from the thoughts that bother you, just let you mind burn through them, its how it gets better. Its easy to go into social media or doing other drugs to not think about what neeeds to be thought about.

I was where you are a little while ago. Similar situation with things not working for a while, lots of dishonesty, etc. We continued living together for 4 months after because we didn't have another option. It devastated me.

Only advice I can give is don't think about relationships for a while. I ended up in a short rebound with a friend I ended up hurting. I was using them to avoid confronting my feelings.

Sit with it, it's okay to feel lonely. Focus on continuing / making healthy habits that make you happy. Hang out with friends, that kinda thing. Love yourself.

You will find someone else you connect with again, you will not be alone forever. It gets better :)