AssortedBiscuits

The Wars of Star: The Renewal of Hope

The Chronicles of Narnia: The Latest of Battles

The Bond of James: The Ball of Thunder

The Wizard of Oz: The Scarecrow of Oz

The Second of Terminators: The Day of Judgment

The Craft of War: The Portal of Darkness

The Masquerade of Vampires: The Lines of Blood

The Deus of Machina: The Revolution of Humanity

The Age of Empires: The Age of Kings

mfw everyone to the left of him thinks he's throwing Palestinians under the bus

mfw everyone to the right of him thinks he's insincere and secretly supports Hamas

People throughout the world are delighted by Santa Claus, a jolly old man who distributes presents to good kids. But little do people know that this is a culmination of machinations by the CIA spanning decades to rehabilitate a man charged with war crimes and drug trafficking.

Santa Claus is the latest nom de guerre of Hans Klaus. While Klaus's early life is shrouded in mystery due to subsequent coverup by the CIA, Klaus was believed to be born in Germany during the 1900s where he quickly joined the Nazi Party as an industrialist manufacturing coke-infused carbonated beverages for the SS. Proudly touted as the youngest industrialist to employ concentration camp slave labor, Herr Klaus had his first setback when the Red Army destroyed his factories in Nazi-occupied Europe.

US intelligence, fearing that the secrets of coke-infused beverages would fall to the Soviets, quickly ferried Klaus to the US under Operation Paperclip. There, Klaus would adopt the first of many pseudonyms. His pseudonym while living in the US was believed to be Nikolai Petrovich. Klaus, posing as a Soviet dissident, would have his first taste in producing propaganda, which he would put into great use later in his life when suspicions of being behind the JFK assassination begin to hound him.

While being part of an operation to set up a reconnaissance base in the North Pole to spy on the Soviets, the CIA-led time discovered a secret society of elves. The CIA wasted no time in staging a coup to overthrow the elven government. Klaus was selected to rule over the elves as a puppet leader on behalf of the CIA. Leveraging Klaus's previous experience in making coke beverages and employing slave labor, the elves were forced into slavery where they begin making cocaine. The quality of elf cocaine proved to be legendary and within a decade, Klaus has his grubby hands in almost every single major drug trafficking operation in the world.

One of the biggest misconceptions is that Klaus lives in the North Pole when his main base of operations is really in Argentina. Using connections from the Nazi diaspora living there. Klaus began building what would become a virtually impregnable fortress in Argentina. The drug lord fortress, fit for a drug lord king like Klaus, is rumored to include a nuclear bunker and houses an entire regiment of Klaus's private army.

Klaus eventually adopted the name and identity "Santa Claus" after the assassination of JFK. While definite connections between Klaus and the assassination of JFK are still murky, rumors swirl of Klaus being the mastermind behind the JFK assassination after scholars discover a previously undiscovered recording where JFK clearly stressed the need to begin an offensive against Christmas. It is believed Klaus adopted the Santa Claus persona in an attempt to simultaneously rehabilitate the image of Christmas and to stimulate the US domestic economy through Christmas-induced consumerism.

new tagline material

Don't even have TIME Magazine's Person of the Year award lmao

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/7023546

🚀 Quick‑Fix Path (Try in this order)

sudo apt update && sudo apt upgrade linux-firmware