"Here come the test results: 'You are a horrible person'. That's what it says, 'a horrible person'. We weren't even testing for that!"
this post was submitted on 07 Aug 2025
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“Oh, It’s you.”
Never thought a robot could throw so much shade with just three words.
Portal was my first thought too!
Anything Glados from Portal 1/2--still one of very, very few games to actually make me laugh. But also the Cave Johnson "when life gives you lemons" rant comes to mind, because it's both funny and poignant.
Everything in Portal 2 is gold, but if you shout out both GladOs AND Cave, I feel like Wheatley deserves a mention as well.
"Most test subjects do experience some cognitive deterioration after a few months in suspension. Now you've been under for... quite a lot longer, and it's not out of the question that you might have a very minor case of serious brain damage. But don't be alarmed, alright? Although, if you do feel alarm, try to hold onto that feeling because that is the proper reaction to being told you have brain damage."
Yes, I honestly can't believe I didn't mention him. It's really a testament to what a fucking gem that game is. God. So much greatness packed into such a short time.
Favorite Glados ones:
- “We both said a lot of things that you’re going to regret.”
- “That thing you burned up isn't important to me; it's the fluid catalytic cracking unit. It makes shoes for orphans... Nice job breaking it, hero.”
And Cave Johnson:
- “When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons! Demand to see life’s manager!”
- “Science isn’t about why. It's about why not.”
Had to look it up to refresh my memory:
-
"Nice job breaking it, hero."
-
"You are not a good person. You know that, right? Good people don't get up here."
-
"Here come the test results: You are a horrible person. We weren't even testing for that."
-
"Congratulations on beating the odds and somehow managing to pack on a few pounds."
You really need the full 2-minute audio of the lemons bit to get the gist. J.K. Simmons did an amazing job balancing funny and, "oh shit, am I...sad!?!?...during the silly, funny puzzle game!?"
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"Well, This is the part where he kills us."
"Hello. This is the part where I kill you."
CHAPTER 9: THE PART WHERE HE KILLS YOU
Achievement Unlocked: The part where he kills you
i need to play portal 2 again
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"The right person in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world" - Half Life 2
The creepy gait of his voice gives me goosebumps every time.
DI fer Ence intheworld
Wololo.
Such a convincing argument, you have won me over... Why did my clothes change colour?
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War... war never changes.
War has changed. It's no longer about nations, ideologies or ethnicity. It's an endless series of proxy battles, fought by mercenaries and machines. War - and its consumption of life - has become a well-oiled machine.
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Lots of good bioshock quotes, but the standout:
We all make choices, but in the end our choices make us
This was a triumph
I'm making a note here, "Huge success"
It's hard to overstate my satisfaction
Aperture Science
We do what we must because we can
For the good of all of us, except the ones who are dead
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I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum. I know it’s from a carpenter film, but I heard it first in Duke Nukem.
"Hmm, don't have time to play with myself."
Always a classic.
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You forget a thousand things every day, make sure this is one of them.
Michael, GTA V
Truth is, the game was rigged from the start. -Benny
Alternatively:
Hope this interaction does not lead to any fallout between us. Fallout: New Vegas. -Benny
It's a-me, Mario!
From Assassin's Creed 2. Might be known from some other game too, I dunno.
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I bought FC3 without knowing what the game was because of this monologue:
Vaas: "Did I ever tell you what the definition of insanity is?
Insanity is doing the exact same fucking thing, over and over again expecting shit to change. That. Is. Crazy.
The first time somebody told me that, I dunno, I thought they were bullshitting me, so, boom, I shot him. The thing is, he was right
And then I started seeing, everywhere I looked, everywhere I looked all these fucking pricks. Everywhere I looked, doing the exact same fucking thing... over and over and over and over again thinking: 'This time is gonna be different.' No, no, no please... 'This time is gonna be different.'
I'm sorry, I don't like... The way... you are looking at me,. Okay!? Do you have a fucking problem in your head, do you think I am bullshitting you, do you think I am lying? Fuck you! Okay? Fuck you!
It's okay, man. I'm gonna chill, hermano. I'm gonna chill -
The thing is... Alright, the thing is I killed you once already. And it's not like I am fucking crazy. It's okay... It's like water under the bridge
Did I ever tell you the definition... of insanity?
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"Why'd I give you so much money for a taco? BECAUSE I'M CRAAAAZY!!!!"
Crazy Dave
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"Dear humanity: We regret being alien bastards. We regret coming to Earth. And we most definitely regret that the Corps just blew up our raggedy-ass fleet!" - Avery Johnson
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What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets.
0.000% of Communism has been built. Evil child-murdering billionaires still rule the world with a shit-eating grin. All he has managed to do is make himself sad. He is starting to suspect Kras Mazov fucked him over personally with his socio-economic theory. It has, however, made him into a very, very smart boy with something like a university degree in Truth. Instead of building Communism, he now builds a precise model of this grotesque, duplicitous world.
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"(while looking into the mirror) Despite everything, it's still you.", from Undertale.
Also a bunch of lines from the Happy Happy cult members in Earthbound.
"You're on a path in the woods."
"The thing about happiness is that you only know you had it when it's gone. I mean, you may think to yourself that you're happy. But you don't really believe it. You focus on the petty bullshit, or the next job, or whatever. It's only looking back by comparison with what comes after that you really understand, that's what happiness felt like."
-Conrad Kellogg; Fallout 4.
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Ah shit here we go again.
LEROY JENKINS!
"What kind of idiot are you?"
"I dunno. The good kind?"
Bulletstorm.
"I'm here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'm all outta gum" from Duke Nukem (originally from the movie "They Live").
Not exactly words of profound wisdom, but still…
“You look like a cut of fuckable meat. Are you?”
Adam Smasher, Cyberpunk 2077
There’s also another great quote from Discworld, where the conversation starts with “expect the unexpected”, but eventually concludes with “expect the expected”. Lots of funny philosophical arguing back and forth.
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The truth, Walker, is that you're here because you wanted to feel like something you're not: a hero.
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"When fate closes a door, luck opens a window, and karma de-activates the alarm system!"
- Sam, in Poker Night at the Inventory 2
Edit: wrong character lol
Statement: I see you have purchased me, master. I find this a satisfactory arrangement. Am I to accompany you now? Shall I kill something for you?
HK-47 from Knights Of The Old Republic is probably my favorite source of quotes: https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Wookieepedia:Quote_of_the_Day/Archive/HK-47
- I was most proud to have partaken in the political system of the galaxy. During the time [the senator] possessed me, he gained significant rank. Given enough time, I believe he could have become chancellor. I even eliminated a few key opponents that he did not ask for. Freebies, if you will.
- Query: Would you rather be caught with contraband that is very illegal or just a little illegal?
- Droids tend to blend into the background, like a bench or a card table. Mockery: Droid, fetch this. Droid, translate that. Droid, clean out the trash compactor. Part of the love of my function comes when the ‘furnishings’ pull out tibanna-powered rifles and point them at the owners' heads.
- Observation: I am a droid, master, with programming. Even if I did not enjoy killing, I would have no choice. Thankfully, I enjoy it very much.
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