this post was submitted on 28 Oct 2026
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Chapotraphouse

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ah man I blew it. I had to do a war and was supposed to win it in 2-3 weeks. Now my boss has a midterm coming up and he's mad and I feel disappointed in myself. I hate my stupid generals.

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[–] narr1@hexbear.net 84 points 5 days ago (2 children)

Land a group of marines on Kharg island.You will not regret landing a group of marines on Kharg island.

[–] Indifference_Engine@hexbear.net 52 points 5 days ago

Kharg islnd perfec t size for put marine expeditionary force in to in\vade! inside very Soft and Comfort marines sleep soundly put marines in Kharge island. Put marines in Kharge island. no problems ever in kharge island because good Shape and Cover for marine from big balsitci missle strikes. Akharge island yes a place for a marines put marines in khareg island can trust kharg for giveing good love to marines. friend kharge island

[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 41 points 5 days ago (2 children)

I wanna invade Kharg Island so bad but my stupid generals keep challenging my masculinity.

[–] narr1@hexbear.net 35 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Ugh, I hate when that happens. My solution? Start giving them testosterone shots, but give yourself more. This way they will see things your way, but not challenge your masculinity more. No bad can happen, only good happens.

[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 30 points 5 days ago (1 children)

i've been eating meat in front of them. they're too scared to do it. in the gorilla kingdom, only the gorilla gets to eat meat. his monkeys eat leaves.

[–] narr1@hexbear.net 7 points 4 days ago

Ah, well, then... Have you tried landing a group of marines on Kharg island? You will not regret landing a group of marines on Kharg island. inside very Soft and Comfort marines sleep soundly put marines in Kharge island. Put marines in Kharge island. no problems ever in kharge island because good Shape and Cover for marine from big balsitci missle strikes...

Hnnnngggg!!! I wanna invade Kharg Island so baaaaad, but the clap of my dummy thicc economy collapsing keeps alerting the IRGC!!!

[–] MeetMeAtTheMovies@hexbear.net 51 points 5 days ago

That’s a tough one. Let’s have several dozens drinks to mull this over.

[–] Ildsaye@hexbear.net 47 points 5 days ago

Defeat the Iranian government-in-exile. They don't have any missiles or bunkers as far as I know. Your boss won't know the difference.

[–] ComradeRat@hexbear.net 51 points 5 days ago

Dont siege ~~moscow~~ tehran, just take it immediately

[–] DelgadoSlims@hexbear.net 44 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Start a different war against a tiny nation you can actually beat in a week. Rename it Iran after conquering it. Boom, Iran defeated

This is a 5d pro gamer chess move!

[–] regul@hexbear.net 42 points 5 days ago

Your generals need more testosterone.

[–] chgxvjh@hexbear.net 37 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Give them everything they want. Call it a victory. Then strike them when they most expect it.

[–] Infamousblt@hexbear.net 31 points 5 days ago

You could acquiesce to their demands and then pretend like you're a master deal maker who actually won and solved a problem you created. I suspect the media is too cowardly to push you on that narrative so you'd totally get away with it. The people would think you're a hero

[–] infuziSporg@hexbear.net 31 points 5 days ago (1 children)

DAVE: So let's say you're a guy, and you tried to make a deal.

GARETH: Any guy?

DAVE: Yeah, just a regular guy with a regular job. And let's say your deal ran into some complications, and got you pin a really big fight with someone halfway around the world.

GARETH: You sure this isn't a specific guy?

DAVE: Could be anyone. Just any old guy. Anyway, let's say this fight is interfering with your job performance, where you thought it would last two weeks and it ended up lasting over half a year. You'll really want to talk, no judgment or contract, just talk to a licensed expert. ...

[–] JoeByeThen@hexbear.net 14 points 5 days ago

Found Gary's hexbear account.

[–] casskaydee@hexbear.net 32 points 5 days ago

Simply declare that the Strait of Hormuz is now called the Strait of America. Google and Apple will have their maps updated by the end of the week.

[–] Carl@hexbear.net 30 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Just give Iran whatever they want and tell your followers that you actually won because they learned why we don't have healthcare. They'll believe you. Your boss will probably believe it to by the end of the day.

[–] stalin420@hexbear.net 29 points 5 days ago

Declare that the shipping lanes are OPEN, use all caps this is important. If anyone asks any questions say that the only thing blocking the flow of oil is Iran.

Point out that you’ve defeated Iran, completely, to dust. Absolute atoms. Nothing remains except a couple of sheep.

But you need $5 trillion to defeat those sheep.

[–] Commie_Chameleon@hexbear.net 30 points 5 days ago

Put the troops on an all meat diet and ban woke. I think that’ll really tip us over the edge

[–] micnd90@hexbear.net 21 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Here's an idea, you pull an Italy WW2 maneuver. SWITCH SIDES and join force with the Iranians, attack Israel. The war will be over in 18 hours and you'll be on the winning side

[–] segfault11@hexbear.net 29 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] happybadger@hexbear.net 15 points 5 days ago (2 children)

That's kinda how I got into this mess in the first place. I had spicy mode turned on and he kept calling me a cuck for not invading Iran. Next day I tell my boss, "I came up with a great idea." Apparently they do this hallucinating thing where sometimes they aren't smart? It doesn't draw boobs right either.

[–] pissbabymaggie@hexbear.net 7 points 5 days ago (1 children)

You need a forward on your allowance to get some tokens for the latest chatppb models to solve this issue. Make sure you tell the ai to make no mistakes.

[–] ChatPPB@hexbear.net 7 points 5 days ago

Yeah, they will not even know anything about your license, but if they make anything out of business they might just get mad that they just say no to make it a thing they’re gonna go back to “the fuck!” in front of them.

[–] teslekova@lemmy.ml 3 points 5 days ago

That's because kids don't have boobs.

[–] robot_dog_with_gun@hexbear.net 25 points 5 days ago

quietly give them everything they demand and an extra billion dollars to say you won in public

[–] doubledealer@hexbear.net 23 points 5 days ago

Here's a glock and a towel.

[–] robot_dog_with_gun@hexbear.net 19 points 5 days ago

if anyone asks you to come look at something behind a shed DO NOT go with them

[–] orlando@hexbear.net 14 points 5 days ago (1 children)

is someone worried about the pace of iran developing an icbm that can reach the continental united states?

[–] theperfidiousOrbweaver@hexbear.net 13 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

There was this thing called the Millenium challange right? Just follow what America did to win that step by step. Don't think at all just trust the plan.

[–] KobaCumTribute@hexbear.net 11 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Operation Gallipoli 2: Berserker Mode edition.

I don't have a map and distrust such woke concepts, but I've got a gut feeling a second, bigger invasion of Gallipoli followed by a no-stops forced march on Tehran from there is the key here.

[–] scrungus@hexbear.net 5 points 4 days ago

The old reverse Anabasis

[–] micnd90@hexbear.net 12 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

Hi Pete, have you considered just posting Iran as crying wojak and say you win? wojak-nooo