Ask Lemmy

ITT: polyphobia

As long as both are consenting adults, whatever I think doesn't matter.

Been working for me for over a decade. I love my wife dearly, she's not as sexual as I am, she likes hearing about my encounters with other women, it works for us. It won't work for everyone, and requires a ton of communication and respect.

If trust and communication are on point, its cool.

So ive been in open poly relationships before and am very sex positive. The problem is several fold and it mostly comes down to education of everyone involved and comfort of all parties.

1. There needs to be solid trust and communication between all members. If you dont have this it will fail. This is why going open will never fix a broken relationship.
2. Some people arent able to let go of the jealous feeling of their partner being with someone else and thats ok it just means being poly / open isnt for them.
3. Everyone has to be ok with the arrangement before it happens. None of this "I get to kiss/fuck whoever I want but you dont" stuff.
4. The reason you want to be open matters. Do you just find it exciting? Does your partner? Are you long distance and so want to keep your options open? Does the partner know that? Are you into a kink your partner isnt into and they are ok with you experimenting? Are you in love with multiple people and want them all and they are also cool with that? Giant cuddle puddle sounds great? It all comes down to trust again. It can NEVER be because you're trying to compensate for something your partner lacks without the consent of the partner

If there are any hard feelings in the relationship they will be compounded. So make sure the relationship is solid first.

Also being open doesnt automatically mean each person can do whatever they want. Talk yo your partner about partners you want to being in. Talk to the new people about your current partner. Make sure everyone is kosher about what's happening (and also make sure everyone is regularly getting tested for STDs)

I think they can work and be fulfilling, but you have to be honest and trustworthy, and good about communicating.

I wouldn't like it in that situation, no. If you aren't together and are doing other people but not each other what exactly is your relationship?

The only way I think it really works is if you are so hot together it pulls other people in, and if you are both wired to be turned on by hearing about the sex with other people, and have extremely good communication, like to the point it would annoy most people. It can't be to fill a hole (ha ha) in the relationship you have. It can be good if you are both enthusiastic about it for sure. I don't personally know anyone who has successfully used it one sided to manage a libido difference, though the top comment here is a guy saying he does that.

Without a commitment of some kind, that's not a romantic relationship. That's a non-binding letter of intent for a friends-with-benefits situation at a TBD date some time in the future with caveats and escape clauses. It's about as much of a relationship as mutual swiping on tinder.

i try not too much concern myself with other peoples relationships

It seems like an exhaustingly complex set of boundaries to keep and tends to create winners and losers out of third parties if the boundaries are rigidly followed in most cases. I think being that secure is somewhat admirable, but it also seems like a devastating fall to make if things don't work out. Different folks have different ways of doing things, I think it's fine, just not for me personally and I definitely wouldn't want to be the 3rd party to it either.

waste of time.

way too many people pursue the wrong people and do stuff like open relationships as a cope.

Look like doom to failed.

Bad idea

I think why you are choosing to do it matters. I think open relationships can be successful, but like are you doing it to keep a relationship on the rocks going? Or are you both legitimately capable of polyamory and able to be available to each other and your other partners in a way that doesn't feel demeaning to anyone involved?

If it works, it works.
Considering that people often hookup just for sex, I don't see why it couldn't work in this case.

I haven't been able to subdue/erase/accept the emotion of jealousy, which sort of makes me unable to enjoy the wonders of it, but I wish I could. 😭

With that said, I am a relationship anarchist. 😊 I don't believe in distinctions and labels. There is only what you and I have, period. Regardless of whether it's sexual, romantic, platonic or whatever.

I'm newly poly and my wife and girlfriend both live in town, but it's really fulfilling for all of us

Open relationships may work, if you're both comfortable knowing the other sleeps with other people. But living in different states? That sounds more like fuck buddies than a relationship to me.

I'm polyamorous myself, I think it's just important to clearly establish rules about it with the people you are dating. Personally, my only rule is that anyone already in the relationship needs to agree when adding a new person. If someone says no, then it's no

Too risky. More times it goes wrong than right, people are quietly seeking ways to cheat or take advantage of the open relationship.

Completely depends on long term goals. Is it something you're looking to try?

I might consider either an open relationship or a long distance relationship, but the problem in both cases would be I'd worry more about it falling apart and being replaced, both of those at once seems like a lot.

that's "a relationship" just not the one I could understand

Not for me. I don't do remote either

If you're living in different states and are in an open relationship then you're not in a relationship that needs a qualifier. I mean, to each their own, but trying to navigate social norms while going against social norms is just ironic.

if both living in different states

Key context right there.

Either you stay deliberately ignorant about what happens when you're apart, or you're going to feel the same as you would about it normally.

I don't see being able to handle it. I find the sex hormones are kinda linked to the jelously hormones. I really can't handle someone I am with being with someone else. Of course my hormones are assholes so it would likely be no problem with a bunch of people where exclusively with me. thats why the harem fantasy is so big.

That's a highly individual question, I personally couldn't do it. I trend towards the anxious side, and I tend to be a bit jealous. Even if I worked on myself for the rest of my life, I don't think I would ever be really happy with it.

My thought is "Why?".

I fell like you need to people who are radically honest with others and I don't understand why the long distance relationship is being maintained.

I would not rule it out, but if I were to guess it's not something for me.

if both living in different states

Is it even a "relationship" then?

On what terms? Do they have plans for life? Together?? Why is one of them asking for "open" (whatever that means in this case)?

IMHO It might well be that the one has already given up the other, but the other doesn't admit reality...

It can never be as deep as a monogamous one (ceiling, not floor) and idk anyone IRL who would be okay with it in earnest (and not just saying they are not to lose the person thinking about opening it, or access to their resources), so idk. I would say I'm cautious about them, particularly how healthy they can be.

Open relationships are objectively bad for healthy mature people who prize a connection and long-term loving relationship.

However, they are a lot easier for people who prefer to not go deep, who don't want to work on themselves, and who want to imagine they're doing something extra "enlightened" or detached. It's basically something you do out of ego and self-convenience, which is the antithesis of love.

If you're serious about this life, find one person and go deep with them. Experience the desperation of not always getting what you want, not always being able to have your needs met, not just being able to go to a different person when it gets hard or when you feel deprived.

Like Jung says nobody grows until they reach a problem they can't solve. Real love relationships are like that; you are eventually tasked with not just loving your own preferences mirrored in another person, which is pure selfishness, but learning to love beyond your own preferences, loving beyond getting what you want; loving just to love. This is the only way a person can learn unconditional love, even having children cannot teach you that because since they are "yours" the condition is always there that they an extension of your own genes. And loving yourself is easy.