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Unfortunately, Mike Johnson cannot orgasm unless he thinks about starving orphans and dead puppies and shit.
this post was submitted on 08 Nov 2025
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Honestly, I’d believer it. What a horrible sack of shit.
Does the Bible mention masturbation? I know it promotes feeding the poor for sure…
Does the Bible mention masturbation?
I am not a Bible expert, but every time I've heard people talk about it, they reference an Old Testament story where a man's close female relative (I think his brother's widow or something like that?) tries to seduce him after her husband dies, but then he lets his seed spill to the ground instead of impregnating her, and this displeases God.
The story is obviously about him not fulfilling his familial duties, but modern Christians pretend it's about making sure you only ejaculate when there's a chance of reproducing.
every sperm is sacred
when just one is wasted God gets quite irate
Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found
Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood!
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Onan is supposed to impregnate Tamar, the widow of his brother. The ancient Hebrews practiced levirate marriage, where if a woman’s husband died before giving her a son, her brother in law was supposed to impregnate her so that she could have some claim to inheritance/not be left destitute.
Onan didn’t want to impregnate her, because he didn’t want to share the inheritance. So he pulled out and was killed for being a shitty person. Trying to get the O but not the responsibility. Absolutely nothing to do with masturbation.
Later, Tamar is supposed to marry the last brother, but Judah, her father-in-law is freaked out about giving her his last son, worried that he is going to end up getting killed somehow too. So he tells Tamar to go back home and wait. Tamar eventually gets sick of this, dresses up as a prostitute and gets Judah to impregnate her.
That tracks after I got caught with a stash of sears catalog rip-outs and my catholic mom guilt-tripped me lol.
Neither of us are religious now so it's kind of funny on hindsight at least.
Well, (not a Christian) as I understand it the whole "don't masturbate" comes from the story of Onan. Onan was some rando who had his brother die and as such he was obligated to impregnate his brothers wife (as was the fashion at the time) so his son by his brothers wife would be the heir of his bother.... I'm sure it made sense at the time.
Instead Onan decides to practice "pull out" contraception so he can keep fucking both his own wife and his brothers wife too. This pisses off God and he gets all smite-y on Onan.
This gets interpreted as either "Masturbation is a sin" or "Give you brother an heir" or "Don't defy gods cucking fetish" depending on which sect you talk to.
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I wonder if Mr Jonson would kill an Amalek on sight, as the LORD commanded Christians to do. I wonder if he thinks this is in fact what President Trump and Bibi are actually doing.
(for context: Amalekites are a tribe) Numbers 14:25
the Amalekites and the Canaanites live in the valleys
(... that God really fucking did not like) Samuel 15:2-3
This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt. Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants
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So he doesn't actually practice Christianity, then. He just uses it as an accessory.
An awful lot of people identify as Christians while ignoring the calls for charity and compassion and being wary of hoarding wealth.
Enough folk to say that greed and cruelty are in fact Christian values for some Christians.
And you're not going to be able to convince any of them they're not really all that Christian.
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Most do.
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This isn't satire. Do we need to start posting onion articles in "not the onion"?
Satire doesn't require falsehood or exaggeration.
In this case, the two parts of that statement ("My religion is opposed to jacking off", "I don't care about feeding the poor") aren't usually made explicit or said together. By saying the quiet parts out loud and putting them in direct juxtaposition, this headline calls him out on his hypocrisy.
What you're referring to is parody. Satire is exactly like this.
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"my Christian faith is more about telling my son when I jack off than feeding the poor."
Ftfy
Whatever, I'm pretty sure he's rubbing one out nightly to the thoughts of starving brown children.
Republicans have crossed from common faith to demon worship.
Its been my go to theory for years now. If god and the devil exist then the devils greatest trick was to convince christians that it was god and trump is their christ. Or as all the real christians call him the anti-christ.
I had this thought a few years ago when some god botherer wouldn't shut up and used that ignorant line about the devils greatest trick was to convince humanity that it didn't exist. I said that isn't a very good trick and expanded that the best kind of trick would be to convince humanity that it was god so every time people said praise god they would really be praising the devil.
I didn't not make a friend that day but at least that sad sack of shit shut up and left me alone.
Edit: that not they
Even better part of your statement... it checks out theologically. The bible actually specifically says that Satan can disguise himself as an angel of light. and it specifically predicts the antichrist specifically will convince people that he is holy, and people who think they are doing god's work will follow him.
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So, does this mean any screenshot of an onion headline is a meme now?
alwwys_has_been.png
So much more satisfying when he finally does since it’s forbidden.
Didn't really expect your "christian faith" to be anything even close to the actual christ-based teaching. Evil shit
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