Ask Lemmy

Eating a banana. First you bite both heads off, then sink your front teeth into one end to nibble away one third, then separate the other two thirds and eat them separately. You can think of them as the corpora cavernosa and the corpus spongiosum to maintain the penis-analogue in a slightly more disturbing form.

All you authors, columnists, and other motherfuckers not using the Oxford comma are now in big trouble.

Auto > Light/Dark mode

Smoking joints is now illegal. Everyone must use a battery-free vaporiser.

Car bad.

YYYY/MM/DD or riot. 24H time or public execution.

I use Arch btw

Pirate everything.

Pink lemonade is better than regular.

Ramen is made with the flavour packet first, then boiling the noodles in the already-made broth.

The confirm button on a controller goes on the right. Cancel is bottom. Nintendo layout supremacy, fuck you.

You will pet every dog you see without hesitation, even if they growl at you. The tax must be paid.

Trackpad > Mouse

Caffeine is now illegal. Force yourself to stay awake and make it everyone else's problem for enforcing stupid work hours.

I'll go for a serious answer.

When driving, particularly on freeways and highways, everyone must now leave a lot of space between them and the car ahead proportional to how fast they are going - even in heavy traffic. And they must allow a car that is signalling properly to merge into their lane. (But not like a bunch of cars at a time of course)

Everyone must also start to decelerate as soon as they see brake lights ahead or notice slowing, but they have more space (starting further back in the road), so won't have to decelerate as strongly as the car ahead is and will reach a higher minimum speed or be stopped for less time when the car ahead starts accelerating again.

I believe this would mostly end stop-and-go traffic and smooth out all slow traffic (increasing fuel economy and reducing stress) by reducing/eliminating traffic waves. Probably even increase average speeds (but I'm less sure about that)

Tabs are better than spaces

I'm right-handed when using one handed tools and "left-handed" when using two handed tools like axes and shovels. The hand closer to the tool bit (the left hand in my case) is only there to provide support and slide around as the other hand controls the orientation and motion of the tool.

I declare my way is truly right-handed while these right-hand-in-front-of-the-left-handers are just ambidextrous pretenders

TV series now have 25 episodes a season.

Five season minimum.

All TV series are released on physical disc after one year (the creator of the show can choose a smaller amount of time if they want, but never longer). After one year it MUST BE on disc.

Blu-ray Disc at a minimum. Can choose 4k if the creator of the show wants. Can do both.

Federal penalties if the show is cancelled early.

Next

All devices that require an always on connection, must have a patch to allow the device to work if the server is ever pulled offline.

Subscription based services must provide an actual benefit. Not a “well the company wants more money so they’re just going to create a subscription service”… looking at the companies that make heated steering wheels in cars subscription based.

Everyone must now put off literally EVERYTHING until the very last minute.

1. We eating chips and popcorn with chopsticks now.

You're welcome for cleaner fingers and everything you touch with them.

2. Beer ain't getting served without some sorta pickle.

3. Pets will be told about foods, walks, and treats in a foreign language as to prevent them getting excited about things they love during normal conversations

4. More ducks than chickens. Duck eggs are better, duck meat is better, duck fat is better than schmaltz

5. It's now so wildly normal for men to wear crop tops

You're fucking welcome

6. You're getting paid for your commute time now. Your employer is covering tolls, transit passes etc.

Why do people buy stuff they don't need because they saw it on an ad? You know it's bad in every way, if you don't need it, don't buy it.

Stop using toilet paper to wipe your ass. Only water.

Duodecimal is provably superior, and the world now uses it instead of decimal. This means that the metric system is now base-12, and inches, feet, and yards are the common units.

Surprising to many people, very little else changes.

• Analog clocks stay the same
• There are still 12 months in the year
• Your eggs still come in dozens
• There are still 30 divisions of 12 degrees in a compass.
• There are still 12 face cards in a deck of cards
• Humans still have 12 pairs of ribs
• A bouquet of roses still has 12 flowers
• A box of doughnuts still comes with 12 doughnuts
• Colas still come in half-dozen packs, and boxes of cola still usually come in a dozen.
• Muffin trays still bake 12 muffins
• Packs of toilet tissue are still sold in some multiple of a dozen: ½-dozen, 1 dozen, or 2 dozen.

Meanwhile, everyone learns they can count to 12 on one hand, and to 144 using both hands.

Toilet paper only goes on horizontal rollers with the flap facing down in the front of the roll. No more feeling the back of the roll to find the loose end.

Your way is now the right way.

My way was always the right way!

The proper spelling is indeed Rebekah. Also, chili is eaten over rice or mashed potatoes and always has beans. All cats have an infinite amount of names, none of which they respond to and most of which are very situational.

Education. Critical thinking will now be taught in elementary school. Economics in middle school. And philosophy in high school.

The only music that matters is metal and everything else is canceled