I think I have basically no dysphoria or almost none. Is this common, or does it mean I’m not trans?

It's totally possible to be trans without dysphoria. The notion that "Dysphoria is a requirement for being trans," sometimes referred to as transmedicalism, is pretty much a baseless standard initiated by cis people to create some way of gatekeeping so "the transes don't get too crazy for us normal folk to handle." Trans women who say things like "I didn't hate being a man, but I much prefer being a woman" are way more common than dysphoria discourse would get you to think. Transmedicalism, of course, has been internalized by trans people, and it virtually always coincides with an unhealthy sense of internalized transphobia.

My position is kind of simple—I actually enjoy being a dude; it’s pretty rad most of the time. Yet, I like women, desire them, and sometimes I want to be them.

To give my two cents as an enby, this feeling sounds marginally similar to what my thoughts were like in that in-between phase of going from identifying as binary to non-binary. Though I wouldn't say I "enjoyed" being a dude, it didn't feel as bad compared to being a woman in some way, shape, or form. Once I realized that androgyny is a thing and that non-binary people can medically transition and experience dysphoria, it became pretty clear to me what I was in that instant. However, like I said, you don't need dysphoria to be trans, but the truscummy myth that "it's impossible for enbies to be dysphoric" kept me confused for a long ass time. I didn't know if I preferred he/him or she/her, and because of such a myth being internalized, identifying as non-binary or with they/them pronouns was out of the question for me. Once I accepted myself as non-binary, I realized I'm fine going by any and all pronouns.

As far as "liking and desiring women" goes, just to be totally clear, sexual orientation and gender identity don't have anything to do with each other intrinsically. There is a common myth that all trans people are straight, i.e., trans women are exclusively into men and trans men are exclusively into women, but trans people can be gay, lesbian, bi, pan, ace, etc.

That said, there are some important caveats. I’m completely fine growing old as a man, but I dread the idea of aging as a woman. That might be internalized misogyny, but it is what it is. I also feel like I’m building something in my life, and becoming a trans woman of color (I’m Black) wouldn’t exactly help my goals; it would make everything harder I assume.

I'm the total opposite on the "growing old" point. In fact, thinking about myself growing old with my body on testosterone rather than estrogen was one of the thoughts that got me to think "I'm definitely not cis." I can't speak for whether or not the repulsion about growing old as a woman is linked to a sense of internalized misogyny, but as a black transfem, shit has been hard. However, I saw no merit to pretending to be cis. I just couldn't do it no matter how deeply I tried to repress. Since your experience with dysphoria (or maybe lack thereof) is different than mine, it may be a lot more confusing for you.

On top of that, I’ve recently started to live. I meet people in real life, I have a partner, and I’m learning to cook. For the last 5-7 years, I was a reclusive hermit who mostly went to work and lurked online. I feel like if I want to transition, I should do it within the next year, but it’s all a bit much.

I came out to an online friend as trans about 10 years ago, and they were pretty chill about it, but I walked it back. Fast forward to now—I recently told my partner that I’m thinking about transitioning, and they were very supportive and sweet. However, the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to get cold feet.

One myth that still prevails in trans communities is that there is such a thing as "transitioning too late." Though one can argue that it's better to do it early simply due to the nature of aging, there are trans people who have transitioned so many decades into their life. I personally recommend taking your time with it, especially since you're on the fence about whether or not you truly want to do it. There really is no actual time limit. Also, just know that a discrepancy between how people will treat you and how you feel on the inside can cause cognitive dissonance. I'd have moments of saying "I'm a cis dude" and then say "I'm a transfem" the next simply because I knew the former was "acceptable" but the latter felt "more like myself but it'll get me in trouble." This led to me having to weigh out my options.

I can’t think of many bigger, more impactful decisions than transitioning, aside from becoming a parent or getting drafted into a large war, maybe. I think people who transition are very brave, but at my core, I’ve always been a lazy coward

Big, impactful decisions can be positively impactful. I really hope a lot of what I said resonated with you in some way, and I know with enough thought, you can find your path. I don't want to ever speak in absolutes to another person questioning their gender because gender identity is ultimately personal. Sometimes, it's so personal that being trans can literally just feel like vibes.

Good luck, comrade

You don't have to have dysphoria to be trans. It's perfectly fine to transition or not transition. Transitioning is scary but can also be pretty empowering if it's right for you. You didn't have to transition in all circumstances at the same time--i was out for years with my friends before asking my coworkers to use my new pronouns. It's ok to transition in your 30s. It's definitely easier in some ways to let people treat you as your birth-assigned gender, but can mentally/emotionally be harder.

My background: non-binary, figured my crap out at 30, finally changed my name and started using appropriate pronouns at work at almost 40. I haven't done anything medical because I'm ok with my body as-is and I can't be arsed to figure out a new system of clothing myself.

You don't need dysphoria to be trans, but thinking you don't have dysphoria isn't exactly rare for eggs in the early stages. Lots of trans folks learn to bottle up these things - and then often manifest them in different ways, such as somatoform ailments, dissociation, substance abuse or even feeling dysphoric about traits that do not live up to expectations for their AGAB. As an egg, i constantly had some weird pains that no doctor could explain. I spent ages hating my crappy, sparse beard growth, then after the damm broke my five o clock shadown became my worst, absolutely devestating dysphoria trigger until laser solved that problem. Having gynecomastia as an egg confused the hell out of me. Always looking kinda androgynous made it really hard for me to experience dysphoria as clearly as many other trans folks, but in hindsight, it was always there, and it was bad. I spent ages coping with it and it almost ruined me. But i didn't only lack the words for it, it also felt different from what i realized once i finally put two and two together.

And after a couple years of transitioning, i find it very detrimental to define the trans experience largely over dysphoria. I had a phase were i could hardly think of anything else, it really crushes a lot of baby trans, but it doesn't stay like that for a lot of us. Transitioning and living as myself is about joy, freedom, exploration and being true to myself. I'm just happy being a woman, and that's not dependent on how unhappy i was trying to live as a boy. I mean, yeah, that was shit, but that's not what made me want to transition. The moments where i looked in the mirror and could already see myself as a woman where. And when your closest peers are accepting, but you're weary how the world at large will react, you could do a lot of experimentation in private. Even stuff like HRT can be inconspicious for a long time.

And lastly, your options aren't just man or woman. Genderfluidity is a thing, being nonbinary is a thing, being agender is a thing. But a lot of people do not think of that when questioning.

You don't have to be binary trans, you can be gender fluid, an enby (non-binary), etc.

The primary narrative we hear about trans women is that "they've known since they were 6" and they barely made it to 20 without some kind of self harm (some doing much harsher things I wont elaborate on) because of the intensity of dysphoria. This wasn't my story. I transitioned in my late 20s, before that fateful year I cracked my egg, I would've said I didnt have dysphoria and vaguely enjoyed being a man. From this side of my egg crack, its much more obvious that I was suffering but had learned to push all that down - and I had been so unhappy for so long that I didn't know what it meant to actually like your gender and yourself. For me, that was just being a man was like. I have very easily identifiable dysphoria NOW - I've always hated looking in the mirror since puberty or watching or hearing myself on film, before it was just a quirk, now it's because I was experiencing dysphoria. I've always preferred how girls write and tried my best to avoid reading my own writing - same thing. I fantasized about being born a girl - which, cmon how'd I not know... but at the time it was about how my brother would've been better off if he was the oldest son...

Transitioning is not a forever thing if you don't want it to. Luckily for you, you seem to be leaning in the trans femme direction. If you choose to take feminizing HRT, it takes months before there's noticeable changes - infamously there's a sadly somewhat common story of trans women in the closet taking hrt for years and their wives and friends not noticing... if you're scared you'll cross this invisible barrier and never be able to go back, well good news is that it's just in your head. You're allowed to detransition if youd like, you have permission from a trans woman (me) if that's what you needed. Also, in terms of aging... Ill just say E is magic and you'll hold on to a youthful appearance longer if you're on it~

I think it's totally normal to feel apprehensive about transitioning to the femme side. Because it does mean taking on misogyny in a way you didn't necessarily have to before. You also have to deal with the double whammy of mysogynoir which even your fellow (white) sisters may not comprehend on top of being trans. It can be frightening, but you don't have to face it alone. You have your partner and accepting friends, you can do this - if you want. You don't need to leap into it completely, you're allowed to experiment and go slowly and reverse if you want. I'm suspecting you'll do the same thing as a lot of trans people - take it one step at a time, find it's really nice but be apprehensive about the next step so stay for a while, then move on and repeat! That's probably the most common narrative for transition, just baby steps until it's 4 years later and you're signing up for bottom surgery wondering why you didn't do this sooner lol

Other people have answered already, but some words of support- I didn't transition until my mid 30s, I knew I was trans, at the same time was focused on my career instead. I never trusted doctors and the whole "mental health" track to transition back then made me not even want to engage with the process. It took running into some cool comrades online and in person to get me out of the rut I had created. (And also informed consent became an option in the meantime)

why do you want to be a woman if you are fine being a dude and don't want to grow old as a woman?

edit: we posted this to show that this experience is so normal that it was turned into meme x3

CW: dysphoria, anxiety

So, before I realized I was trans, I didn't think I had dysphoria because at the time I wasn't sure what it really was. The thing that ended up cracking my egg wide open was this article: https://zinniajones.medium.com/depersonalization-in-gender-dysphoria-widespread-and-widely-unrecognized-baaac395bcb0

This basically describes things I've been dealing with my entire life, but never realized could be connected. Once I saw this I started connecting the dots and it was suddenly very clear to me that I was trans. I'd be curious if you think any of these things mentioned in the article apply to you:

• A sense of detachment or estrangement from your own thoughts, feelings, or body: “I know I have feelings but I don’t feel them”
• Feeling split into two parts, with one going through the motions of participating in the world and one observing quietly: “There is this body that walks around and somebody else just watches”
• Feeling as if you have an “unreal” or absent self: “I have no self”
• Experiencing the world as distant, dreamlike, foggy, lifeless, colorless, artificial, like a picture with no depth, or less than real
• Being absorbed in yourself and experiencing a compulsive self-scrutiny or extreme rumination
• Having an ongoing and coherent dialogue with yourself
• Feeling like a veil or glass wall separates you from the world
• Emotional or physical numbness, such as a feeling of having a head filled with cotton
• Lacking a sense of agency or spontaneity — feeling flat, robotic, dead, or like a “zombie”, as if merely “going through the motions”
• Difficulty imagining a future for yourself
• Being able to think clearly, but feeling as if some essential quality is lacking from your thoughts or experience of the world
• A sense of disconnectedness from life, impeding you from creative and open involvement with the world

Also for context, this is a comment I made prior to realizing I was trans, describing my feelings at that time:

Hmmmm... Yeah I usually don't think I would be trans just because I don't feel like I have a strong desire to switch genders completely, and I don't think I have strong physical dysphoria. However, I also am (and I think always have been) uncomfortable with my "maleness" in a lot of ways, and a lot of things I'm reading here apply to me. Also kind of related I guess, yesterday I was talking in a discord chat about how in high school I'd sometimes paint my nails or wear this skirt I had, and I was thinking people probably have suspicions with me talking about that. Really I think maybe I'm a bit more non-binary than I feel like I'm allowed to be, but I'm also physically very "male" so I don't realistically know what I could possibly do with that information in the real world.

Does this seem at least a little bit familiar and/or something you can relate to? I'd recommend taking the advice that was given to me here, which is to experiment a bit and see how it makes you feel. Maybe try women's clothes, or make up, or just close your eyes and try to imagine yourself as a woman. How does it make you feel? Is it something you would want to explore a little more?