Funny

I kinda thought of it as, "My native tongue is as ancient as the seas, as foundational as the mountains, as incomprehensible to you as the stars are to ants. Anyway, 2000 years ago I had to hire a guy to translate that into one of your languages just so you people could sign a fucking contract. It was a huge mess, guy took twice as long as he quoted me, legal department rejected it three times before it go approved, the whole thing went way over budget. Long story short, I'm not updating the paperwork. You can Google it if you want the fine print."

Honestly, I think Sumerian or Akkadian would be better but Latin does have its charms.

I once experienced an episode of sleep paralysis with auditory hallucinations. I heard a deep masculine voice speaking in a guttural language that seemed just on the edge of being comprehensible to me. As if it were the primeval language from which all others sprang. The feel of the language in my ear was as familiar as my native tongue. I recognized the cadence, I could discern where one word ended and the next began, whether a sentence was a question, and so forth. But the words themselves were somehow alien.

I strained my senses trying to hear the voice more clearly. What horrible prophesy was I being given? What dreadful task have I been appointed? Am I the keymaster? The antichrist? Am I dying? Oh shit, that's it, isn't it? I'm dying and going to hell. Fuckfuckfuck. Um. I accept Jesus as my savior? ...Buddha? ...Joe Pesci?

Then I snapped out of it and the voice turned out to be the muffled sound of my neighbor's TV. Praise be to Joe Pesci!

I have a wall in my head that won't accept this as funny because it entirely misses what Satanism is.

It's a response to Christianity, and in its oldest forms, Catholicism. So, the Latin bit should be the default. There wouldn't have been Satanists that were using Aramaic or whatever. Hell, anyone engaging in the equivalent of satan worship from before the creation of satan in the form religious Satanists do worship could have spoken anything from their era anyway.

It's not like there's a ton of examples of satan dictating holy (or unholy) books, but he/she/it would still have spoken the the dark prophets in their own tongue. Why the fuck would you speak Enochian to some random Babylonian? You'd speak Babylonian.

Satan speaks Hebrew in our world.

Latin is the best language though

Uhh, billions of years?

The Bible is centered around just 10,000 or less years of total universal history, from what I've seen.

I don't believe that, I'm just explaining the dogma here.

Well it’s the ecclesiastical language of Christianity, and the Satanic cults depicted are typically couched in Biblical mythology.

Why not, worked for the church

It is the christian language though... A while ago the bible was in latin.

Edit: the catholic bible

this is because Satan tries to mimic God and the lsnguage of the Roman Catholic Church is Latin.

I expect that the idea is to be a dark mirror of Catholic masses (Black Masses, etc.) but this somehow brings to mind the mental image of a Satanist Martin Luther nailing a list of 95 grievances to the door of some wicked temple and translating the Black Mass into German for the accessibility of the common Satanist folks who don't know Latin.

I mean, the amount of legal Latin used in anglophone countries does bolster the argument.

E.g. prima facie, mens rea, stare decisis, etc.

Lately Hell has changed to Esperanto.

"Uuuh..." -- The Pope.

Same with Enigma.

Christians think the Earth is 6,000 years old.

Those who accept the science, and the of the age of the universe, were tricked by Satan, who placed the dinosaur bones in the ground and fucking magic'd them, so when they're carbon dated, they seem ancient.

Also the Earth is flat, obviously.