Future You (lemmy.world)
submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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[-] [email protected] 40 points 3 months ago

Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever.

[-] [email protected] 10 points 3 months ago

sounds fake. No way Facebook still has 5M active users.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

Stop reading my diary

[-] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

This reminds me of the "Durchfall Mann" Cartoon. Watch at your own risk: https://youtu.be/ql53nYa6Tlc?si=tM9VLNdbxDr6dC0h

[-] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago

Here is an alternative Piped link(s):


Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.

I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.

[-] [email protected] 3 points 3 months ago

This has a very similar energy to the cuil decay copypasta

[-] [email protected] 15 points 3 months ago

So the no-poop-for-3-days post was someone practicing for this.

[-] [email protected] 17 points 3 months ago

He was Lemmy's first prophet. Followed by that dude that magically killed Henry Kissinger.

[-] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

3 days?

What is this amateur hour?

When my IBS-C was at its worst, a week, 7 days, was not uncommon, and my lord was it painful. I don't know how my longest wait was, but I was put on a diet of pedialyte and given a medicine derived from E. coli.

Colonoscopy came back normal though.

[-] [email protected] 7 points 3 months ago

This was a reference to a dude a few months ago who needed diet recommendations that would make him not poop for 3 days. He ruled out a few things but for the most part, refused to elaborate as to why.

[-] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago

No chance. With the sheer amount of food I eat at this time of year it's my prime shitting season.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 3 months ago* (last edited 3 months ago)

It still counts if you accidently poop your pants but somehow manage to get it all back inside

[-] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

I've never watched this show, and at this point I'm scared to

[-] [email protected] 8 points 3 months ago

It's as stupid as it looks and it's amazing.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 3 months ago

Bono would be jealous

[-] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago

But if you don't dump December then you won't meet mr hanky.

this post was submitted on 02 Dec 2023
256 points (92.7% liked)

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