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I've never been interested in getting married or having kids, and it's never been an issue (or even a subject of discussion) among family.
Older coworkers and close female friends are the only people who ever bring it up.
It's smart to want to deal with your mental issues before getting into a serious relationship or having kids, though, IMO. Your future kids, if you want them, deserve the best parent you can be. Both my parents had mental issues, and I honestly wish they hadn't had kids.
Tell Grandma to eat a bag of dicks.
She can't anymore, maternal grandpa is dead π
If you're in your early 20s, don't sweat it. Mid to late 20s and you need to think deeply about what you want in life and what's stopping you from having it, and whether spending it with a partner and building a family is even important to you... and it should be because, unless you're planning on doing a Greta and saving the world sacrificing your own comfort and even life or going the Roger Penrose/Isaac Newton approach because you're a once in a generation genius and devote your life to understanding the physical universe (and I think Roger P. is married too!), nothing else you'll do will be as selfless and righteously productive as that. Same goes for early 30s and up, of course, but by then many people have already made their decisions. There's virtue in knowing you're too incomplete/chaotic of a human being to bring some kids you won't raise competently into the world so you don't just do it regardless of pressure, too.
Regardless, as long as your balls are working fine/don't mind adopting, whatever change/growth you need to go through is almost certainly possible. π
I've brought up dating and going out to my kids because finding a partner in life really does help people be happier in the long run.
What we've never done is to say anyone should be married or have children. That's 100% their choice. I've raised kids, I don't need grandkids running around on my behalf. Kids are energy suckers and expensive. I love them, and am well aware of how much they cost me. No one should have that forced upon them. You do you.
Huge hugs from a dad who just wants you to be happy in your own way.
Stop disappointing your grandmother. Sheβs not your dad. /s
Having a family of your own is a pretty good goal to have in your life.
You will never be in a perfect condition or the perfect situation to start a family. Age, money, health, timing, partner. If only two of these are perfect, youβre already doing pretty well.
Living in the past and wanting to be a kid again is impossible. Accept your present, and live your life. Once you have your own kids, you can revisit everything you loved about your childhood with your own children.
Your depression will not end, if you want to be a child forever.
IF it is something you genuinely want. I do know quite a few people who have children because it's "the default", which usually sucks for them and the children.
How do people just be "ready" to grow up?
Feels so difficult.
I feel like my mom really fucked up my development with all the intermittent emotional abuse. I still kinda feel like I'm just 18 not twenty-something
You don't be ready, you start doing it. Your 20s are the time you're supposed to suck at being an adult.
If you don't want a partner or kids now that's fine, but now is the time to map out your life plan. And be aware it can take a few years to find a partner that you want to marry and having kids may take time too.
Nobody will be ever "completely" grown up, or "completely" free of problems. That's simply life.
The same of course applies to parents. Often I looked at the dumb shit my mum did while raising me, and I can't help but think "goddammit". Nowadays I can see it was simply lack of maturity from her part, coupled with a fair bit of stress.
On the main topic: raise kids when you feel you're ready for it. Perhaps next year, next decade, or when you're 50. Family pressure is normal, because being a [grand-]grandparent has all the perks of being a parent but none of the cons.
I dunno. I just kept doing the same thing for years and years, and now I kind of feel like an adult.
Maybe she just wants to see you happy with someone before she dies?
It's about normality and stability in their eyes. Having a family is not necessarily about having children, but that you will be safe in numbers and have people around you that will help you out and share your goals in life. It's about safety, I think it comes from a good place with good intentions, although obviously some just want grandkids as an accessory to brag about.
Edit: also, yes, this is a near-universal human experience. :P
First, "find a girlfriend and get married" is terrible advice even if you wanted that. You shouldn't just want to be married like it's an achievement is a video game. You need to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, if that's what you want.
Second, I'm 52 with a good career and kids between 32 and 13, and I'm still not sure what I want to do when I grow up and I often wish I could go back to being a kid again. You don't have to have all your shit sorted to be an adult, being an adult happens with life experience.
Getting out and living life will expose you to people who could potentially turn out to be the one, but it will teach you to be an adult if your parents failed on that score.
Depression sucks and for most people it's a chemical imbalance that doesn't go away except with medication. In my case, my depression basically went away when I treated my ADHD and started accomplishing shit. I just hate myself when I'm not on meds and am basically useless. I hate that I wasted nearly twenty years of my life doing nothing when I could've been medicated, but in the last twenty years or so I've accomplished most of my life goals.
I can't promise anyone they can do the same but I do believe if people can their brain chemistry sorted, they can achieve many of their goals.
Good luck.
My grandma has brought up great grandkids before.. unfortunately for her they've not invented mpreg yet :3
They already gave up years ago ...
I got married and had kids late. In retrospect, it was stupid to wait. I did some fun stuff in my twenties and thirties, but a lot of it was repetitive.
We didn't have kids until we were in our mid/late thirties. I really like my kids.
Due to that delay, I'm going to retire when they're entering the workforce. We'll never be in a similar demographic. I'll be too old to babysit their kids (if they have them). By the time they're in their thirties, I'll be looking for old age homes.
Your gran is right. If you do want to have kids, I'd suggest doing it sooner, rather than later. Definitely wait to find the right person, but once you're both ready, get to work.
I don't but my mother thinks I'm autistic and gay or something, just never told her that I have someone.
Depression won't just go away.
I get those kind of comments, but I also had a vasectomy so no biological kids coming from us... and I'm fine with that. I'm in my 40s and my wife's grandad really wants great-grandkids from us. Not gonna happen. Her parents already know not to ask. My parents have all given up. It's fine.
Don't be in any particular rush. You need to work on you and get mental health sorted first. If you find the right person and start a family later, that's great. If not, that's also fine.
Don't hurry. And don't listen to people you need to have kids in your twenties or early 30s or else you will be old and whatever.
Take your time, take all the time you need and if you arent 100% sure don't have kids.
They cost a lot. A lot of money, a lot of nervs. They give a lot too, not questioning that.
People who are now 35 and getting kids will still be fit til age of 70+, not like people back then. Especially if you take care of yourself.
I dont have kids but I do hard climbs/ boulders with my dad. A year ago we were climbing in Krabi (Thailand) and did V6s+ (heavy boulders) and we did our Open Water Diver on Koh Tao - he is 71. When I was younger my grandpa was not even able to run, kept falling and had all kinds of problems that my father doesnt have. And he was maybe two years older than my father. My father said his dad (my grandpa) worked as an allrounder around construction and lifted heavy stuff but his body broke down a lot quicker in those years. They didnt have the machines we have now to avoid those things.
If I am his age (71) I assume I might be a lot fitter than he is, just cause of nutrition options and lifestyle nowadays. Yes there will be wear n and tear but you will still be able to play baseball with your children if you get kids at the age of 40 - because sixty is the new fourty. If you are 39 and get pregnant, you are 40 with your first child. Once you are 60, your child is 20 but you will feel like 40. So basically only 20 year gap.
Honestly I am actually glad my dad is older. He was able to experience so many different things in his 20s 30s that he teaches me to this day. Maybe stuff he wouldn't have experienced if he had already made me before his 30s. He would have never discovered climbing in the Alps cause he would have never been able to afford the trip if I was born, so I wouldnt be climbing today.
This reminds me of that joke where the grandmas kept pinching the cheeks of their grandchild at weddings, saying βyouβre next! Youβre next!β. But they stopped doing it after the grandchild started doing it back to them at funerals.
No, both of my grandmothers are dead.