Far more than c/mildlyinfuriating
And you need to buy a subscription or watch an ad before you can flush.
this post was submitted on 16 Dec 2024
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Only for a year or so. Then you'll need premium+ to skip ads. The free tier is also downgraded to 1 flush per day.
Worse: the company decides to cancel the service and no longer support these toilets. You have to purchase a new toilet to continue service.
But the existing mounting hardware is proprietary, so in addition to a new toilet, you also need to replace half your plumbing.
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I have the own where I give the app camera access and take a picture of my poop and it calculates the proper flush volume.
And you just know they're sending copies of all your poop data to China, too, for some reason. Probably something to do with "improving targeted advertising," but we know better.
And you fecal data is shared with health insurance companies, so you can get personalized ~~price hikes~~ recommendations
You gotta give it biometrics. For your fingerprint, WHAT IF SOMBODY BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND SHAT ON YOUR TOILET!!! We need to verify its you! see there keeping you safe from those shitty bastards!! So just uhh give us all permissions
If your wondering there will be a preroll ad for the app and every 20minutes it will turn off your lights to your bathroom. And prompt you on your cellular device "are you still shitting?" And recommend poo docters in your local area using target ads
I wish I was kidding when I say there exist asshole recognition tech already. They'll just attach that to your advertiser ID so their worldwide network of 'smart toilets' can deliver targeted ads to every stall and urinal you visit.
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More pixels
An app full of spyware and you still need to allow it to access your gallery, precise location, contacts, microphone,camera
And when the company starts struggling, they'll start charging or requiring you to watch an ad to flush.
Before they go out of business and brick your toilet.
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You have already flushed 3 times today. Wait 22 hours, or upgrade to FlushApp premium to enjoy unlimited flushing experience.
Upgrade to premium+ for AI features
"I have analyzed your fecal output and determined that you consumed an excessive amount of beer and hot wings within the last 36 hours."
Smash cut to every device in the house showing beer and wing ads for 2 weeks
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And when the company stops wanting to pay the webservice hosting costs, you have to pay the plumber to come back and throw your useless toilet in the trash.
Worked for a company that made a kitchen appliance that had zero buttons. Needed an app. If you unplugged it without shutting it down in the app, it'd send you an alert notification. The app took at least three taps to fucking turn it off.
And the company was paying something like $1MM/yr to AWS to keep this thing running.
slap some AI on that mf
Our toilets should be smart enough to take a gulp when their mouth is full
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Fun tip, you can dump a bucket of water to flush the toilet. Useful if you're ever working on your water supply after taco night.
No the Flushmate Throne Pro would definitely not have an S bend, it would have a proprietary in-house designed mascerator pump.
"there's an APP for THAT!"
(wow is that dystopian.)
Ok, sure, why not, but wait, hear me out:
A.I.-powered toilet, on the blockchain, and call it Shitcoin!
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Once that frustrates me greatly is eight sleep. My wife had been trying various products and unfortunately eight sleep was the best executed one. But they are openly hostile to local controls.
From the time they have released people have been complaining over and over about zero local controls, suggesting buttons on the base, a remote, or even local wifi or Bluetooth controls and their people keep coming online and patronizing by claiming their engineers are working on it, but it's hard. Truth is they are passing a fucking subscription plan to use your damn bed.
Finally they came out with their local control "solution". No, buttons should not be on the base, that would be inconvenient. No, a remote control would be too easy to lose. So they implemented super dodgy earbud type controls, two taps for a tick colder, three taps for a tick warmer. Ok, janky as hell, but finally, local controls. So you get things going and do the tap and long buzz meaning "reject" the request. Turns out the taps will only process if the cloud server says it's ok, and the bed will usually be "off" and not receptive to taps unless you turn it on via Internet app or you have an Internet arranged schedule that has it on at the time you want to adjust it.
It's a shame since they otherwise had fantastic execution, but their monetization through an app strategy is maddening. So my home has one cloud based device and it pisses me off.
Now I want to take an eight sleep apart and see if I can lobotomize it.....
Iβve never heard of eight sleep and I went to their web site, and immediately the site is super fucking annoying
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My last ISP demanded I use an Eero router that had no web interface, it was only accesible via an app.
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I now only buy offline or local-only software and products. If it doesn't exist, I hack it.
An offline flushing app is not much better in this case.
So accurate
Subscribe and we reserve the right to throttle flush speed/volume after 6pm.
Standard app doesn't cover diarrhea or menstruation - those are luxury secretions for our plus members
Ok but like today I literally discovered someone HACKED THEIR TOOTHBRUSH TO BE A RICKROLL
Technology has gone too far.
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As long as it has a built in camera and automatically shares to Facebook, I have no problem with this.
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It doesn't count as satire if it's literally the situation word for word, you have to exaggerate it at least a little. smh
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I found a "smart" Wi-Fi bulb in the trash and used a throwaway phone to pair it through its app. It was adjustable white and RGB, so I put it in the bathroom and thought I'd trigger it to be dim red (cicardian rhythm, you know) whenever it was night (using a built-in RTC, NTP or light sensor, whatever it was capable of). Well, nope! It only connects to Wi-Fi when powered on (understandable) and only takes orders from an external server god-knows-where, with limited local functionality (party-light cycling, WB matching, optionally remembering the last setting). It does not notify the server when its power turns on (only when switched via app or smart button) so it cannot be configured as a "smart event". The closest I could do would be to create a time event every minute:
22:00 turn on 25% red
22:01 turn on 25% red
22:02 turn on 25% red
β’β’β’
04:29 turn on 25% red
04:30 turn on 100% warm white
04:31 turn on 100% warm white
β’β’β’
21:59 turn on 100% warm white
I'm pretty sure there is a limit to timed actions so I can't just do it this way. I guess I know why it got trashed while still working as intended.
I'll be looking into Home ~~Automation~~ *Assistant and see if there is a compatible firmware to flash on this piece of shit. Or I'll just use my electrical engineering skills to combine red and orange LEDs into another bulb and give it a separate switch. *(Edit)
Maybe thatβs why it was in the trash..
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Guess I'm not flushing. Enjoy.
In your own home? Seems like it's only you that reeks the benefits (pun intended)
I can't even piss without logging a ticket with IT...
Ok, now, who has found all 4 of the hidden figures in the comic? It's the special feature of Bizarro.
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