In a discord server this bully called someone else AGP because she had a deep voice and the bully posted this awful shitty-looking mspaint illustrated screed claiming inspiration from Contrapoints about Blanchard's typology and of course it was ridiculous, all about how trans women attracted to men all are short and thin and girlish and demure and proper and played with dolls as kids, and trans lesbians are tall and old and mannish and ugly and loud and awful and had 'male hobbies'

But I was totally in the dark about being trans when I was younger because I am ADHD as FUCK and never had any measure of executive control and direction over my life. Of course I didn't realize I my gender might be wrong when the only trans rep in media was fucking Buffalo Bill and Ace Ventura and I was struggling to even wash my body and initiate any social contact. I was allowed by my parents to dissociate onto the internet as long as I kept getting good grades, and I got moved into a school program full of nerds who weren't so stereotypically masculine so I was just allowed to drift off and be nobody instead of trying to be a man. It was a nice cope being no one with no body on the internet, but it all caught up with me eventually.

So I don't have the narrative of "oh I always knew I was a girl", I didn't because I'm neurodivergent and had a weird childhood. And I'm starting late so I'm tall with a gut and don't have the first idea about how to make my voice sound feminine and god fuck. Those awful caricatures felt like they were attacking me directly and I can't shake them out of my mind. I know AGP isn't a real thing and I know I'm a woman and I've started adopting some lesbian language because it feels affirming, but I can't shake those awful images and needed to vent about it