Small talk is not manipulation, the other person is not forced to reply. You are not the only person with agency in that interaction. The other person is under no real obligation to reply. It is a way to fill a void of silence, something which a lot of people feel is itself awkward (Apparently, I myself like silence though).

Further, talking about mutual interests is frankly past the small talk stage. If someone is replying to you about a mutual interest, chances are they actually like talking about that mutual interest. They aren't doing it because it's a social obligation, they do it because they want to. And if two people talk about mutual interests enough, they start to understand and know each other and become friends.

Yes, I have seen someone fail at conversation like that, she was myself in fact. There were many years where I actively spurned any attempts to make connections or failed to make any myself. I have several friends who've done the same too. But speaking for myself, I forced myself to make connections with others even though I still find it incredibly hard and painful even today. Anytime I give anyone a glimpse of my actual inner self I am beset by worries that they'd throw me away; I often have been, right down to my own gods damned parents. But I also keep trying because otherwise I'd wallow and drown in that same pain.

Fawning is a shitty method, yes, but the reason fawning is bad is because it's a neglect of your own needs in order to try to make the other person like you. But small talk and discussing interests are mutual, if it's a shared interest both of you should be able to enjoy talking about it, and meeting and trying to learn about other people is, for a lot of people, nice in and of itself. You should ask for stuff because that's how you make the relationship mutual and not simply one-side taking and the other giving. Quite frankly, the people who hurt you like that were probably shitty people. They were used to the friendship being primarily about them taking and you giving, so at the first moment where they had to give in return they were uncomfortable. And they are pieces of shit for doing so. But having said that, that's also the danger of fawning, since it produces that sort of one-sided give/take dynamic more often than not. Which is why I'm so insistent on trying to make mutual connections, because while it's not your fault that you were hurt, trying to build more mutual relationships will gradually and marginally make it less likely to repeat.

I know that this is a hard thing to do and that it feels impossible. But no one is ever going to be able to fix you if you do not at least try to fix yourself. I'm not saying that you need to do everything on your own because that's bullshit and unhealthy in its own ways, but you have to do something. It's not some fucking switch that you just turn on or off to make your brain work, it's a long and difficult process to gradually improve yourself in small ways one at a time, just like anything else. Start with something tiny like trying to reply to someone on the mega who has an interest you share, or make a general post on the mega asking about something transition related, like maybe how to pick out a cute skirt. I reply to those sorts of fashion questions all the time because I enjoy doing it.

But sure, maybe these are too hard for you to start with still, given everything I wouldn't be shocked if they were, but you need to set yourself towards at least trying to find a solution instead of just waiting for some perfect person to show up and save you. Yes, you will almost certainly fail some or even many times, but if you don't set yourself up to learn from your failings you're just going to repeat them or drown in your gods damned sorrows.

Frankly, you've been doing this for months at this point with practically no change in either your behaviour or statements despite people continually talking to you and trying to get to you where you are. Again I don't expect instant changes overnight, but you have had a long period to reflect on what people have told you and yet if anything you've become more insular, internalising the advice and attempts to help as proof that you are fundamentally broken instead of as proof that you can change even if it is a slow and hard process. Have you even considered that Terminal has been doing the exact thing you are constantly asking for, trying to understand your point of view and genuinely help, for months and months and months? And yet I don't think I've seen you even once try to talk to her outside of these despite the fact that she has done exactly what you asked for several times. I can't speak for her, obviously, we never even interact outside of the occasional post on the megathread, but I've still read the things she's been saying to you, the things you've been saying, and consistently she has been nothing but kind and trying to understand and help. Going straight to your Deep Down like you want. And she's never once lost her temper at you; she's not an asshole like I am, as evidenced by this very post. Sure, it hasn't built a friendship, but that's because of what I was trying to insist, healthy, good friendships cannot be built upon a foundation of only pain. But nonetheless, no one would be doing this for you if they did not at the very least want to help you hurt less. I hope you'll be able to see that someday.