Hello everyone~ The megathread is very eepy this week so I am being very quiet and not posting a whole essay as that might disturb their rest. The megathread does a lot of work for us after all, so they deserve to rest a little. Our regularly scheduled effortposts will continue next week.
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Maybe youre the normal one though! Its sad to see you feeling down. I know you've struggled a lot. You do deserve what youre looking for...
spoiler
You can have a coming out anniversary or egg cracking anniversary. I dont celebrate my birthday or the day I cracked my egg, but I do celebrate the day I socially transitioned! And if you dont know the exact day, pick something! Theres no rules around this stuff. You can pick Bastille Day as your own personal egg cracking day and celebrate it. I guess you mean you want to celebrate it with other people, not the actual literal date of a calendar - could "celebrate" TDOR with a bunch of people (its a hard day to celebrate, but like be in a gathering).If you wanna skip small talk and go to deep mess talk - the people who will do that are hard to find. Think of small talk like grease or a tax, something that enables the thing you desire - deep introspection shared with someone else. You might not like grease but it makes the wheels turn without breaking down (like those analogy is breaking down lol). Small talk, showing up at the same place with people, thats how you make friends and thats how you'll find people to have those really deep conversations. Caring about someone isnt typically a struck by lightning phenomenon, you typically grow into caring about someone like a seedling to a flower. What youre describing (tell me if Im wrong) sounds more like youre hoping you buy a packet of seeds and it blooms after a couple seconds of water. Takes time, every group needs to figure each other out - are these people safe? Can I trust them with my concerns? Will they make fun of me if I share my trauma? Can I ask them for advice without judgement? Youre asking to jump straight to after norms are developed in a group. Its very brave of you to be so willing to share with people you dont know! Very few others are that brave.
You don't get social investment without investing - there's no deep care until you have some shallow care. You've mentioned on your other account and here your longing for deep friendship and a desire to skip past the awkward small talk acquantince phase - that can happen but its more like kismet or chance than something anyone can give you advice about or help you make happen (beyond just continuing to show up, be open, brave as you normally are, etc). Youre not the first person who Ive heard wants to avoid and skip all small talk and only talk about the deep stuff - presumably if yall could find each other somehow yall would be quite happy. But as it is youre like coconuts in the ocean, just gotta hope to bump into each other. So I will I stead suggest you learn to make peace with small talk and showing up regularly with the same groups and talking to those people and engaging with them (like remembering the stuff they say about their own hopes or likes or birthdays etc).
Maybe you're right. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being manipulative with small talk, that I'm a charlatan trying to entice passersby on the street for just long enough. I have to put on my Human costume and perform Human for the normal healthy humans.
I've been in a few friend groups and I guess to me things felt established? To me we set our pace and went. There probably was small talk but I didn't perceive a "figuring out" phase with the guys i hung out with in undergrad, beyond just orientation stuff. I didn't get the sense that everyone knew all my hobbies, and five cis guys in 2014 did not really open up about their emotional landscapes, if you can believe that. I'm not trying to be brave, people here just didn't respond how I thought. If anything there's maybe a false dichotomy about making people feel comfortable sharing these things, and then saying "what a different thing you're doing from everything everyone else is doing!" but I could be wrong. I just don't think creating a false expectation of meaningful dialogue is helpful.
what's confusing is that i did used to really ask others questions and check in on them and be very reassuring about caring about them, and those people didn't reciprocate. How was I supposed to know not to blame myself? Idk how to undo those years of feeling awful and invisible. Is there a Third Way for talking to normals?
I've gotten feedback both being too vague and being too detailed, being too involved and being too aloof, expressing too many feelings and not expressing enough feelings. Chat, is this Gender Centrism?
Feeling bad or like you did something wrong when someone didnt reciprocate isnt a matter of not knowing the neurotypical social handbook, although it might be contributing - its more, if I were to guess, a product of low self esteem and social anxiety.
Its not manipulation to figure out what people like and to share your interests, and part of the social grease to that is the annoying small talk like "how's the weather, what do you do, what's your major, do you have siblings, etc etc." Its just one of those rules, you can find people who will break them and jump to deep interesting things but theyre just very very very rare (usually a blunt circle is involved lol). Often you've talked about being so locked up and terrified/socially anxious you have a hard time of even breaking in to small talk or any kind of talk. If you want, you can think about it like practice to getting to the deep things you've mentioned wanting to share and talk with others. Just keep going and keep talking and keep chatting with people at your groups, you will make a friend. I guess you also have to deal with this internal view of yourself you've mentioned quite often of seeming scary/creepy or unworthy in some way of being talked to - youre not unworthy.
You'll find irl friends who will check in on you, its a marathon not a sprint.