Hello everyone~ The megathread is very eepy this week so I am being very quiet and not posting a whole essay as that might disturb their rest. The megathread does a lot of work for us after all, so they deserve to rest a little. Our regularly scheduled effortposts will continue next week.
Nonetheless, I hope that you (yes you!) are doing well, whenever it may be that you happen to be dropping in. I wish you all the best~
Join our public Matrix server!
https://rentry.co/tracha#tracha-rooms
As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.
Maybe you're right. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being manipulative with small talk, that I'm a charlatan trying to entice passersby on the street for just long enough. I have to put on my Human costume and perform Human for the normal healthy humans.
I've been in a few friend groups and I guess to me things felt established? To me we set our pace and went. There probably was small talk but I didn't perceive a "figuring out" phase with the guys i hung out with in undergrad, beyond just orientation stuff. I didn't get the sense that everyone knew all my hobbies, and five cis guys in 2014 did not really open up about their emotional landscapes, if you can believe that. I'm not trying to be brave, people here just didn't respond how I thought. If anything there's maybe a false dichotomy about making people feel comfortable sharing these things, and then saying "what a different thing you're doing from everything everyone else is doing!" but I could be wrong. I just don't think creating a false expectation of meaningful dialogue is helpful.
what's confusing is that i did used to really ask others questions and check in on them and be very reassuring about caring about them, and those people didn't reciprocate. How was I supposed to know not to blame myself? Idk how to undo those years of feeling awful and invisible. Is there a Third Way for talking to normals?
I've gotten feedback both being too vague and being too detailed, being too involved and being too aloof, expressing too many feelings and not expressing enough feelings. Chat, is this Gender Centrism?
Feeling bad or like you did something wrong when someone didnt reciprocate isnt a matter of not knowing the neurotypical social handbook, although it might be contributing - its more, if I were to guess, a product of low self esteem and social anxiety.
Its not manipulation to figure out what people like and to share your interests, and part of the social grease to that is the annoying small talk like "how's the weather, what do you do, what's your major, do you have siblings, etc etc." Its just one of those rules, you can find people who will break them and jump to deep interesting things but theyre just very very very rare (usually a blunt circle is involved lol). Often you've talked about being so locked up and terrified/socially anxious you have a hard time of even breaking in to small talk or any kind of talk. If you want, you can think about it like practice to getting to the deep things you've mentioned wanting to share and talk with others. Just keep going and keep talking and keep chatting with people at your groups, you will make a friend. I guess you also have to deal with this internal view of yourself you've mentioned quite often of seeming scary/creepy or unworthy in some way of being talked to - youre not unworthy.
You'll find irl friends who will check in on you, its a marathon not a sprint.