this post was submitted on 02 Jun 2026
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Lemmy Shitpost

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[–] placebo@lemmy.zip 1 points 12 minutes ago

Depending on what he's trying to measure. Both methods are correct for their respective sides.

[–] Snapz@lemmy.world 20 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

THE CYLINDER MUST NOT BE HARMED!!!

[–] JennaR8r@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 10 hours ago

I'm not sure how amused I am that I understand this reference.

[–] MyVeryRealName@lemmy.world 3 points 20 hours ago* (last edited 20 hours ago)

Take the average 🤷‍♂️

[–] SGG@lemmy.world 30 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Method C. Sounding rod depth required to hit the prostate.

I know it sounds odd to do this on a tree, but trust me, it works.

[–] barzaria@lemmy.world 4 points 23 hours ago

Loggers should be called arbortionists.

[–] chrizzly@feddit.org 13 points 1 day ago (1 children)

The question is, are we talking about a very normal cylinder? (possibly stuck to something?)

[–] megopie@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 22 hours ago

It must remain unharmed

[–] Red_October@piefed.world 142 points 1 day ago (6 children)

The only way to get an accurate measurement is to cut the branch off first.

[–] Elgenzay@lemmy.ml 86 points 1 day ago (1 children)

It is imperative that the cylinder and the larger object remain unharmed.

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[–] Fortatech@gregtech.eu 91 points 1 day ago (1 children)

The cylindet MUST stay intact!

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[–] Klear@piefed.world 37 points 1 day ago (2 children)

But you're supposed to measure it twice before that!

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[–] 5714@lemmy.dbzer0.com 17 points 1 day ago

I'll ask the branch manager.

[–] OldSageRick@lemmy.zip 96 points 1 day ago (6 children)

Method A on account that that would be the maximum usable length

[–] AFLYINTOASTER@lemmy.world 66 points 1 day ago (8 children)

As a skilled carpenter who's used to measuring wood, this is the only answer.

[–] Akasazh@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago

I'm interested in your wood measuring services.

... For a friend

Well..... It kinda depends. If I were to be ordering stock to recreate the branch or even if I were making a covering for the branch. I'd have to order at least 6 inches of material to cut down.

So I think it matters most how you are intending to use it.

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[–] pandora@lemmy.blahaj.zone 22 points 1 day ago (3 children)

it took me way to long to realize y'all talking about penises ...

[–] Akasazh@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago

That's so innocent. Almost like a certain mythical character before opening her eponymous box...

[–] MrChewy@lemmy.world 2 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

I thought it was optimal street pathways at first, then trees, then got surprised by the amount of genitalia referencing comments then I "realised" thanks to this comment TT

[–] SLVRDRGN@lemmy.world 1 points 20 hours ago

This was my process exactly!

[–] MeowerMisfit817@lemmy.world 1 points 23 hours ago

Well, it's two of us.

[–] SkunkWorkz@lemmy.world 1 points 20 hours ago (1 children)
[–] JennaR8r@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 10 hours ago

Measure from your feet, all the way up your legs, to the tip of your erect shaft, you say?

[–] Fedizen@lemmy.world 25 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Tear off the branch and measure the total length.

[–] Mesophar@pawb.social 46 points 1 day ago (6 children)

It is imperative that the branch not be damaged

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[–] textik@sh.itjust.works 11 points 1 day ago (2 children)
[–] Madison420@lemmy.world 2 points 23 hours ago

I mean you joke but the actual rule of thumb is measuring from the crotch of the branch.

[–] cobysev@lemmy.world 7 points 1 day ago

I measured like this when my first girlfriend asked what my size was. I told her it was 10". Suffice to say, she was definitely not impressed when the pants came off for the first time. 😅

[–] flamingo_pinyata@sopuli.xyz 53 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Branches and other small cylinders can be sized using M&M tubes

[–] HeHoXa@lemmy.zip 1 points 21 hours ago

The cylinder must remain unharmed

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[–] KapmK@piefed.social 46 points 1 day ago (1 children)

The generally accepted method used by scientists is to firmly push your ruler against the base of tree at the top of the branch. This is called BPEL, or bark-pressed erect length.

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[–] Proprietary_Blend@lemmy.world 16 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Half the length plus seven

[–] Randelung@lemmy.world 2 points 22 hours ago* (last edited 22 hours ago)

Woop woop, 7.5cm! A personal best.

[–] some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org 10 points 1 day ago
[–] WraithGear@lemmy.world 9 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)
[–] Kenny2999@lemmy.world 18 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

I would use 0,5x(A+B) because chicks dig a big branch.

[–] Soulphite@reddthat.com 24 points 1 day ago

If you trim the bushes the branch looks bigger. Pro tip.

[–] anon_8675309@lemmy.world 8 points 1 day ago

Shine a light directly down on it from above. Measure the shadow

[–] Decoy2point0@lemmy.world 9 points 1 day ago

You have to push the branch down with one hand, such that it is perpendicular to the trunk. With the other hand place a ruler to measure trunk to tip via method A. This gives the honest expectation of ''usable" length.

[–] Olgratin_Magmatoe@slrpnk.net 20 points 1 day ago (3 children)

What if there is a knot at the base of the branch?

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