Comic Strips

1. ケチャップをよこせ！
2. ケチャップをくれよ！
3. ケチャップを、今すぐ！
4. ケチャップがどうしても必要だ！
5. ケチャップをくれ、さもないと殺すぞ！
6. ケチャップ野郎は誰だ？ケチャップを持ってこい！
7. ケチャップが出るまであと３秒。その後、クソ野郎どもを殺し始めるぞ！
8. お前は私のケチャップ奴隷だ。今すぐケチャップをくれ、さもないとお前の家族を殺すぞ。お願いします。 　 Using 私 in example 8 instead of オレ様 might look like a mistake but you have to understand that this is formal Japanese. In these sorts of situations everyone is armed to the teeth and one wrong word can lead to a massacre.

One time while attending a nomikai I drank before my senior and was beaten within an inch of my life. As they were about to finish me off with a rocket launcher my senpai swallowed a grenade on my behalf, excused himself and blew up outside the izakaya, this was fortunately enough for the senior to spare my life.

I am forever indebted to Suzuki-san for his noble sacrifice. Please use the above phrases well and you might survive and even thrive in Japan.

I'm writing this message from my hospital bed where I am waiting to have 50 chopsticks removed from my rectum (unrelated incident). Thank you again, Suzuki-san. I know you are watching over me from above in heaven.

Can't forget the simplest form, at least in my language but pretty sure it works in English.

And that is just loudly declare the item you want:

SALT!

Send me $1000.

Great. I would be even more screwed in China.

I’m going to continue existing not needing to process this much social protocol.

One more thing to freak out about. Which level of politeness is appropriate. Im polite by nature! Oh no, what if I've already offended people?!?

As an American with no social skills whatsoever, I get confused & annoyed when people offer me a beverage when I arrive at their house. Like why do they think I'm suddenly thirsty?

I'm down for politeness, and teaching politeness. But the thing about these situations that bugs me is when the parents insist on teaching politeness, but they don't practice it themselves.

Does the parent say, "Please hand me your dishes," or "Please come into the living room"? If they use polite language regularly, then it'd make sense for them to instill polite manners in other mundane situations. If the parents model the behavior they want, they extend respect to the kids, and as such it's fair to request the same behavior in response.

But too many people, including many parents, skip over that "model the behavior they want" part. Saying please/thank you/etc. becomes a rule applied to the kids, but not to the adults. Of course a kid's going to be resentful about that.

I teach small kids, I use please and thank you with them all the time. I then praise them for independently using such words. I see it as a show of my respect for them, and they pick up on that. I may be in charge, but as far as I see it, we are equals. I learned the value of politeness through trauma, but I'd rather these kids learn about it by experiencing the pro-social benefits that it comes with. Politeness isn't a problem, but making it a one-way street absolutely is.

Saying "please" when asking someone to do you a favor isn't excessive, IMHO. It indicates that you are making a request and not issuing an order, and recognizes that you are grateful for the assistance.

You forgot the:

Kid: can you pass the butter?

Adult: I don't know. Can I?

My wife is overly careful, like this. It goes to weird extremes at times. She will say things like “is there the possibility that you would be physically capable of leaving work early to pick up a package for me?” She’s trying very very hard to be clear that she’s interrogating what’s possible, not making a direct request or demand. This is where the “physically capable” thing comes in.

My reaction is always the same: “Dear, you can ask me to do stuff - just ask.”

I am from the US and went to England for school one year. In the lunch line here, if there is a choice, you ask for it and say thank you, like "Carrots and potatoes" then "thank you!". But in England they said no, that is rude. It's "carrots and potatoes, please." Then "thank you" when you get them. Needed both just to be minimally polite.

I AM polite with my kids, I model it but don't demand it really. They catch on fine. I have friends and relatives who made their kids "yes sir" and "yes ma'am" them. I don't think that's cool. I told my kids to ma'am and sir wait staff, cashiers and teachers but not family, it does seem almost cheeky, somehow, to be too polite with family.

And for favours. Do you ask or demand a favour?

That and the century of humiliation.