Ask Lemmy

Yes an Indian colleague

The culture I grew up in was as a Mormon in the Rocky Mountains. They don't do matchmaking per se, but the Mormon church has specific congregations for specific phases of life. There are "family wards", for Mormons who are married with kids, "seniors' wards" in nursing homes and retirement homes so elders don't have to travel as far for church on Sunday, and "Singles' Wards".

As soon as you turn 18, you basically get sentenced to Singles' Ward until you manage to get a girlfriend/boyfriend. The cultural expectation is heavy enough that you'll get a lot of weird looks if you're still going to church with your parents as a 19-year old. Mormon churches are very activity-heavy, so during the week there will be a ton of church-sponsored group-date and double-date events. And because Mormons are really serious about the premarital chastity thing, they usually get married before they ever realize just how big a commitment that is.

I found out I was gay while I was in Singles' Ward. Mormonism is a VERY homophobic religion. Things got awkward really, really fast.

I've definitely heard a lot about arranged marriage from colleagues and friends from India.

I am from West Europe and currently living in Germany where I have met my wife on a dating app.

I think my manager had an arranged marriage and is living happily and has a couple kids now. I believe one of my cousins met his wife through a dating app too.

I don't really think any of this is weird especially today where it's harder and harder to meet people now.

When my grandma was old enough to marry, her father took her to his friend's house and introduced her. The friend said, "I've got two boys upstairs. Go pick out the one you want." So she went up and talked to both of his sons, and the one she liked best became my grandfather.

She said she was fine with this, but I would've been climbing out the bathroom window. 😂

When I was younger and single, I had co-workers or random older people I met trying to fix me up with their brother/son/whoever. I think that's pretty common. But I ended up getting together with a guy I met online (organically, not through a dating service.)

I worked with a guy who had an arranged marriage. His parents decided it was time for him to get married. He lived in the Philippines near his parents. They had a friend who had an eligible and similarly positioned daughter living in the US. They got married and he moved to the US. 20 years later, they have 2 kids and seem happy.

I'm a Pakistani American. My parents and grandparents and all my aunts and uncles were arranged. My parents have tried for years to set me up with someone through friends or coworkers.

I was never ready. I'm engaged to a beautiful woman I met through work. I'm ready now.

Formal matchmaking? Yes, several people. Their marriages are about the same as others, maybe slightly better due to strong social systems and clear expectations about roles. Every marriage waxes and wanes with how partners feel about each other, and the arranged ones aren't any different in that respect.

Informal matchmaking? Lots. This has been the arrangement for much of human history. Consider them pre-vetted without the need to stalk their socials.

I was introduced to my ex- spouse by a mutual friend.

A colleague of mine met his wife that way. He's from India, where it's a lot more common.

My mum would try and set me up with random girls when I was younger, pressure me to talk to people she wanted me to be in a relationship with, once apparently lied to my classmate's family that we were Jewish or something (i.e I don't know if this was an ethnicity thing or a religion thing and I don't want to know.)

I wouldn't say the other party's parents were complicit in this or even realised it was her intention. Hence why I'm not in an arranged marriage right now.

It's interesting seeing several lonely people online talk about how arranged marriage is a superior system. I don't feel that way right now, but we'll wait and see what I say when I'm older.

Honestly I never really got neither the parent matchmaking nor dating apps. I met my fiance over discord, which I guess is kinda like bumping into someone accidentally, but a digital version lol

But to answer the question in the title, I haven't known anyone to go on a date arranged by their family

My wife's parents kinda tried that for her. But she's really stubborn, standoffish, and refused to learn how to cook. So now they have a white son-in-law. While her entire family has come to love me, everyone from California to Canada, and New York to India learned a very valuable lesson about being too strict and traditional.

I know several people who are in arranged marriages, and while they are happy enough with the situation, all of them have very clearly said they will never do this to their children, so take from that what you will.

Introduction is common enough I'd say, but any expectation beyond maybe talking to them is not.

As for what most people do: it's just going about life and meeting people. Join clubs, talk to people in your community, at work or school, friends of friends (or family friends, again introducing is common enough, anything beyond that isn't), even bars works; anywhere really.

Just don't go places to find a partner; go to places to meet people. From there meet the ones you like more often, make friends, and over time you'll bump into people and find the right ones. This is one of those things that happens more the less you "try". Be open to the idea, but let people get to know you as a friend first.

In California, I knew a lady who had tried apps and dating traditionally-met men, and by the time I met her she had been in a handful of somewhat serious relationships. She was 33 and ready but single Bay Area men are notoriously not, from what I heard from several single women. So she asked her parents and sisters to help. They are from India. I was a bit shocked by this but her logic was strong. She’s like my parents know the real me better than anyone. Maybe sometimes better than I know myself. They know what I need and I trust them. We lost touch not long after that so idk how it turned out but she was a great catch in my opinion. But she was happy for the help from family.

Never ever encountered it in Poland. But AFAIK arranged marriage was quite common in Japan pre and even during ww2. Families sometimes went full investigation on each other before finalizing the deal.

No. I have dated people who used matchmaking services.

They were horrible people.

I've also dated some Indian women who made it very clear they'd never take me seriously because their parents would disapprove, but they'd fuck me casually in the meantime. I declined.

The issue with modern romance is that there is less and less of shared common culture and everyone is living in their social media silos. I used to have things in common with women I met, but now I have absolutely have nothing in common with them because they are living in a totally different universe and we have no common beliefs, interests, or traditions by which we can form any social bond. Like, every fact of my life and my lifestyle offends and upsets them because they are only looking for people who are the mirror image of themselves and their lifestyle.

It is culture. In most english native ares (this exclues India where english is a common second language) it is unheard of and people would rebel.

'True love' as in the movies only lasts a couple years. It is fun to be in but eventually you realize some truths about the other. From there is it can you live with it or not - which is why divorce is so high from those looking for it. True love as some couples who have been together for decads exists - but it is very different from the movies even if they sometimes seem to have a few features in common.

Arranged marriage and figure it out on your own exists in different parts. both are about equally successful for any long term definition of success. Shy people prefer arranged because they don't have to risk rejection. Others like freedom to decide.

meeting others happens as part of life. The only hard part is you think maybe this can be more and the other not only disagrees but also refuses to be a friend anymore. It can be really hard - but eventually it can happens (and may or may not last)