pour superglue on them so everything stays put, pour solvent when you want to take them off
this post was submitted on 08 Mar 2026
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Using paid help from a third world country to tie them for you as their only job.
Extra sociopathic point for by finding the exact person who made your shoes in the third world country sweatshop and bringing them over on a work visa to work for you as a shoe-tyer
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Don't tie them at all. Just go through life with the laces dangling, freaking out every little old lady who sees them, and becomes deathly afraid that you will trip, and fall down.
Na you’re just waiting for old lady to step on that lace so you can yank your foot and watch them break a hip. “Oh I ws just walking here. So sorry. Not intentional at all”. Like a true sociopath would.
*old lady falls*
you: HEY I'M WALKIN HERE
Gordian Knot style. Every time you put on your shoes, make a knot that cannot be untied. Every time you take off your shoes, cut the knot with a sword.
No laces, use cable ties instead. Snip them off with wire cutters after each wear.
Like this? I've done this for years on my work shoes. Normal laces don't withstand sparks from angle grinder. I just keep them loose enough that I can get them on and off without cutting. I never open my shoelaces either.
This actually IS what they do in psych wards, so, this might be the most technically correct answer.
Haha holy shit
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i don't think this is it, but many years ago i would lace my sneaks from the top to the bottom, so the bow would be down near the toes. i thought it was cute. it was definitely weird and inconvenient, but not reprehensible.
No, it was.
Ladder lacing. specifically on boots, is a means by which white supremacists / neo nazis identify each other in public.
Oh fuck.
That's for letting me know this- I would have eventually tried this one out someday thinking it looked neat lol
how is that different from just normal snearker lacing? i have one pair of "combat boots" looking things, it's for a costume, and i just laced them like my sneakers. now you have me nervous.
with the costume (below) no one's going to confuse it for neonazi, but sometimes i might want to wear them like, i don't know, shoveling.
Ladder lacing is where the laces are horizontal lines. It's sometimes done with chucks and skate shoes innocuously.
Also, don't wear red or white laces with boots, also neonazi coded. Blue means cop killer. Yellow laces on punk style boots means anti racist (will fight about it), but that's unlikely to cause issues outside a punk show. Purple means gay. Outside a punk show barely anyone will know any of this or assume anything, but that's because this is all subcultural signaling in the same way as something like hanky code is.
It's very specific, and you won't be mistaken for one of them if you do it "wrong", and you will do it "wrong" if you're not in the know. I'm not in the know, so I don't know how to do it, but I know someone who is (in the know, not in one of those groups).
Using cats' guts as shoelace, like violins in the good ol' days.
Violins used to have shoelaces? The more you know.
Things really went downhill when violins stopped wearing little shoes.
Ironically, most people don't know how to tie their shoelaces even if they think they do.
I'm not going to suggest this article isn't helpful but this:
- It's not some “Old Wives Tale” – it's based on millennia of established knowledge;
is 100% AI slop (ed: training material). That's where I stopped paying attention (ed: and shouldn't have).
👉 "it's not X it's Y" is a a good indicator. Humans use this but AI fucking loves it, and generally in this order. "It's X not Y" is a weaker indicator. This isn't enough for me to be certain but it instantly triggers skepticism
👉 Clarifying something that was never in question to begin with. That's not a subtle hint — it's a dead giveaway. It's contextual; humans use this rhetorical pattern, but not to deny something there is no existing implied suggestion of
👉 emdash is a weak indicator, but combined with the rest increases suspicion. "But this isn't an emdash!" That's because as search and replace was used to replace them with regular dash, but the usage is the same
👉 finishing a bullet with a semi-colon? (is that a thing? I've never seen anyone do it, AI or human — I'm going to go with atypical usage not indicative either way but I'm going to start looking for that as a pattern.)
👉 I used emojis instead of bullets because irony amuses me and it's a very AI thing to do. If it didn't trigger a question in your head of whether this comment is written by AI, it should have. Pay attention.
Oh my god, right? I'm so used to it at this point that I don't even have to do forensics on it because it will inherently annoy the fuck outta me whenever I see it lmao
It always reads like an edgy 12 year old with main character syndrome wrote it.
Not 11.
Not 13.
But 12 — the prime of youth — a microtruth vibe of quiet acknowledgement.
And when that feeling shifts?
That's when you truly see the excess needless paragraph indents for what they are.
Not a desperate vye for the appearance of being deep — never a desperate vye — But a signature of lolsorandom AI speak trying to look a credible source.
This is an anecdote but I've found that website years before any LLM ever got reported on, circa 2012 maybe? Idk I don't remember. I used it for other shoelacong patterns as well between maybe 2012 - 2017 when I was into sneakers and tried to prettify the laces when I realized I'm not into collecting overpriced shoes made from poor quality materials.
You're right. I was wrong. Sorry. Still leaving it because I think it's solid analysis, but I'll cop that it's not perfect.
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Finger gun list? 100% AI
👉Bad Ideas👈
👉i have an idea
👉i think it's a good idea
👉which mean's it's a bad idea
👉do you think
👉👈i mean really think
👈it'd be okay if we kissed
👈and i mean really kissed
👈with butt grabbies and everything
👈under the finger gun bullets list
Beep boop zoop
I do almost all of those things organically and I hate that people are trying to reduce AI detection to stuff like this.
The real dead giveaways for AI are unmotivated choices.
I've been sharing that link around for a decade. It was written way before anyone had even heard of LLMs.
Don't you talk like that about Ian.
Dude's site was used to train AI.
Also, thank you for your hyper-vigilance. It amuses me, and for your sense of irony in using AI to criticize something that predates AI as being written by AI.
Chef's kiss.
and these are nice shoes too. has anyone ever noticed how nice these shoes are?
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Was expecting this link to be a Rickroll tbh
How much adderall are you on to think of a question like that? And using baby sinew as laces.
Use a tank of compressed CFC to pump up your shoes, then release it into the atmosphere when you take them off.
Removing the laces from the shoes of the person next to you, and using them for your shoes?
Tying them to the shoes of the person next to you?
Screw them to your feet.
Since most of these comments are quite over the top: The worst way to do it imo that you can still realistically do every time you put your shoes on without much issue is wrapping the laces around the sole of the shoe so you walk on the laces with every step.
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Killing an animal to use their sinew as a shoelace
Idk man, but there are people who use their socks and shoes only once. Oh and some don't really untie their shoes to put it on and then tie it, they just force their feet in. And when they're done with it they force their feet out.
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Having a cordwainer construct shoes directly on your feet without laces or other openings, then cutting the shoes off and discarding them after wearing them once.
cordwainer
Oh ho! A new word for me!
For the other 9,999:
A cordwainer is a shoemaker who creates new shoes from new leather, distinguishing them from cobblers, who primarily repair shoes.
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