I don't think this breaks any rules, but feel free to delete if it does.

This years Defector article about orifice accidents:

What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums Last Year?

By Barry Petchesky

This is the time of year to be grateful for not having things stuck in our asses, and to think of those less fortunate than us. So spare a thought for those Americans who misjudged the capacity of their own orifices.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and all the people involved had a very bad time.

Penis

BATTERY

CANDLE WAX

CHESS PIECE

2 GLASS BEADS

PEN

PENCIL

COMB

APPLE STEMS

APPLE CORE

BOBBY PIN

PAPER CLIP

MAGNETS

SPRING

SCREW

STAPLES

THERMOMETER

HEADPHONES

GUITAR STRING

ALLEN WRENCH

Vagina

HOLIDAY BELL

LIGHTER

ALUMINUM FOIL

COTTON BALLS

POPSICLE STICK

PLASTIC ORCA

GEMSTONE

"INSERTED TWO DIAMOND RINGS IN HER VAGINA WHILE AT A PARTY IN FEAR THEY WOULD BE STOLEN"

LATEX GLOVE

BATH BOMB

SMALL PLASTIC MERMAID

FLOWER TOY

"REPORTS A BAG OF MARIJUANA HAS BEEN IN HER VAGINA FOR 2 DAYS AND IS UNCOMFORTABLE"

BRACELET CHARMS

2 VIBRATORS

PENIS RING

2 PENIS RINGS

2 SPOONS

"WAS USING A PIECE OF PLASTIC TO MASTURBATE WHEN GOT SPOOKED BY THE WIND OUTSIDE AND THREW THE SHEET OVER HERSELF IN THE PROCESS LODGING THE PIECE OF PLASTIC DEEPER INTO HER VAGINA AND WASN'T ABLE TO RETRIEVE"

HAIRBRUSH

DETERGENT POD

PLUNGER CAP

BEER BOTTLE, "WAS ON A CRUISE ON HER HONEYMOON"

Rectum

LUBRICANT BOTTLE

ENEMA BOTTLE

NAILS

SCREWS AND NAILS

"PATIENT STATES HE PUT A BASEBALL IN HIS RECTUM TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE"

AEROSOL CAN

DOG CHEW TOY

DRYER SHEET

"WAS FEELING CONSTIPATED FOR 2 DAYS, HE TOOK THE BASE OFF OF HIS BEARD CLIPPERS AND WRAPPED IN A PLASTIC BAGGIE, INSERTED INTO THE RECTUM AND IT GOT STUCK"

BATON

HAIR TIE

"CONCERN ABOUT IF HE STILL HAD A SMALL VIBRATOR IN HIS RECTUM. HIS GIRLFRIEND PLACED IT THERE ON FRIDAY"

TURKEY BASTER

PLASTIC CLEANSER BOTTLE (FULL OF LIQUID)

"REPORTS HE SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND A SHAMPOO BOTTLE WENT INTO HIS RECTUM"

"STATES HE WAS IN THE SHOWER 'WAS BORED' WHEN PT PLACED SHAMPOO BOTTLE INTO RECTUM"

DENTAL PICK

WINE STOPPER

CORN COB HOLDER

"HAD GONE OUT WITH WIFE WIFE LAST NIGHT AND HAD TOO MANY DRINKS, WENT HOME DRUNK, WIFE INSERTED A RUBBERY SEX TOY INTO PT'S RECTUM, UNABLE TO REMOVE"

HIGHLIGHTER

INVISIBLE MARKER

MAGIC WAND TOY

"REPORTS 7-INCH DILDO INSERTED INTO RECTUM WHEN IT ACCIDENTALLY WENT TOO FAR. HE ATTEMPTED TO USE PLIERS TO REMOVE IT. PLIERS STUCK TOO"

MARBLES

FILM CANISTER

BATTERY-POWERED LIGHT

"PLASTIC COATHANGER INSIDE HIS ANUS. HE INSERTED THE HANGER DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITY. HE CUT OFF THE OUTSIDE OF THE HANGER SO HE COULD DRIVE TO THE ER"

PENNY

SANDAL

DOORKNOB

"HE INSERTED A LIGHT BULB INTO HIS RECTUM THIS MORNING WITH THE GLASS SIDE FIRST AND DUE TO THE SUCTION EFFECT, THE BULB GOT SUCKED UP"

FLASHLIGHT

VAPE PEN

"POSSIBLE RECTAL FOREIGN BODY. SHE REPORTS PLACING A SMALL VIBRATOR IN HER RECTUM, SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER REMOVING IT AND CANNOT FIND IT"

2 PENCILS

CORNCOB-STYLE PIPE

"REPORTS USING A BUTT PLUG IN HER ANUS A FEW HOURS AGO WHEN IT BROKE OFF. SIGNIFICANT OTHER USED TWEEZERS TO RETRIEVE PIECE THAT BROKE OFF. TWEEZERS NOW STUCK IN RECTUM"

RUBBER GASKET

UNCOOKED PASTA

PIECE OF NOSE HAIR TRIMMER

"STATES HE HAS A FOREIGN BODY IN HIS RECTUM THAT IS VIBRATING. HE STATES HE WAS WITH A GIRL LAST NIGHT AND DOESN'T REMEMBER MUCH"

EYEGLASSES

ROCK

EGG

"WAS BEING INTIMATE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEY SHOVED A RECTANGULAR TRAVEL TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER IN HIS RECTUM, WAS ABLE TO GET HALF OF IT OUT"

MULTIPLE SEX TOYS

CAT-HEADED VIBRATOR

18-INCH DILDO

24-INCH DILDO

"REPORTS HAVING A 6 INCH VIBRATOR IN RECTUM SINCE 2:00 PM TODAY. DOESN'T RECALL PLACING VIBRATOR IN RECTUM. ALSO REPORTED TAKING 'POPPERS' AT THE TIME"