Ask Lemmy

As a kid, I spoke with my mom all the time. That frequency dropped drastically the older I got, though. She’s got a personality disorder and I tried with her, I swear I tried so fucking hard, but I finally gave up. Now she doesn’t talk to me at all, which is far less a hardship than she imagines it is.

I had a great relationship with my dad, when he was around. He was my respite from my mother, but his relationship with her left its scars on him, too. They almost split up for a while, and I’ve never seen him happier. But now, for some unfathomable reason, they’re back together, he's back to drinking, and he’s sided with my mom and is also not speaking with me. Unlike with her, I’m actually sad to not have him around, but trying to reason with alcoholic logic isn’t helpful (or a good time) for anyone.

So yeah, I think there's far more to being close with your parents than simply the frequency of conversations, though maybe that plays a role.

I was not close with my mom, I was close with my dad but he died when I was 16. My relationship with her was ok when I was grown, she liked my kids and was a pretty good grandma for someone busy with a job. But we were not close.

My kids talk to me more as high schoolers and young adults, they ask for advice, discuss things, we are a lot closer, though the ones who moved away don't call much (like I texted one of them to ask if I'd pissed her off, it was so long, but she is just too much like me and so neither of us called, lol) but - the kids are all close with each other and I think that matters more in the long run.

I didn't have many big conversations with my parents, but we did have many little interactions throughout every day.

Now with my own kids, I find that I have just as many big conversations, but there aren't as many small interactions. Everybody just has their devices and aside from sitting together at dinner, we don't cross paths with each other as often.

When I was about 13 I got into a deep-feelings conversation with my mom and then she started talking about how hard it was having enormous breasts and I after that I just stopped speaking to everyone.

Rarely as a kid, but I pushed for adult discussions when I got older because otherwise I would never talk to them and it was clear they wanted to talk to me.

They only wanted to talk about inconsequential things, which is boring so no thanks.

So whenever I talked to my mom or dad after like 25 or something, I resolved to only talk about things I was actually interested in, and to cut short in consequential conversations and steer back to interesting topics, things I normally didn't talk to my parents about (drugs, relationships, philosophy), and eventually one topic or another got their attention (my mom told me about smoking pot in high school), and I continue trying to be as honest as I could with them because I don't want a relationship with someone comprised entirely of small talk, but I don't want to ignore my parents either.

I definitely think there's a correlation between how you're brought up and your relationship with your parents now, my parents implicitly taught me not to bring up consequential life topics to them as a child, and I had to recognize and actively fight against that terrible lesson as an adult in order to have any sort of mature, human relationship with either of them.

I never really had a good relationship with my parents. I'm a first child, so they were literally learning the ropes with me, and being neurodivergent without appropriate early diagnosis and treatment... there was some major disconnect. Sure I was a "gifted" kid, but at every step they tried to force their own vision onto me, and thanks to that disconnect, I never had that truly supporting parentage. It was a constant barrage of high expectations with major punishments outlined if I didn't meet those, and given the disconnect, the only time I felt "loved" was when they'd provide me with certain things - but all those things were tied to expectations.

A great example for this is my first computer. I needed one, for studies, for chasing my own interests, and finally I was allowed to buy one from my own money at the end of 8th grade, if my graduation average was above a specific (incredibly high, think 16-18 subjects, graded 1 to 5 where 5 is best, my average had to be above 4.5), and if I managed to get certified in my chosen secondary language at a B level (A is conversational, B is professional/daily, C is for official translation work).

This plus my parents rarely expressing emotions beyond anger was... not exactly helpful in my emotional development.

Now, after a decade of living abroad, I'm trying to close that gap, but it's not easy. My mother... I get along with her much better, but she's got tons of trauma she refuses to see a therapist about, and instead is working herself to death in her 50s. The worst part is I can't even talk her out of it, and both my brothers are blind to it.

My father is the harder nut to crack. He's gone down the alt-right slide about ten years ago, and this intelligent man I grew up admiring has gone incredibly racist, xenophobic, illogical, in constant support of a kleptocratic government that literally took away all his savings and pension and is now giving him a pittance...

All in all it's not easy but I'm doing my best to build a passable relationship with them.

Not close at all these days, mostly occasional emails, but as a kid I would often think and say that my parents are some of my best friends, we always had good times together and I'd often just step away from the computer to just go hang out with them and riff on some TV while eating dinner or whatever or see what they were up to generally and talk. Nothing but good memories there.

I think personality compatibility has more to do with that relationship. I have very little emotional empathy, but plenty of cognitive empathy. I do not have narcissism like my parents and I am capable of independent thought and questioning dogma. All of this is totally incompatible with my family.

I don't talk to my folks because everything is negative feedback and sadism.

Hm. This is a great question.

I have always been a chatty guy, despite it sometimes causing me grief of one kind or another. While I don’t specifically have memories of conversations with my folks (when I was young), I no doubt had them.

That said, I’ve also always been a widely misunderstood person (at least to my mind); I never seemed to conform to people’s expectations (even today to a degree). I have developed severe trust issues because of this, especially among my ~~family~~ bloodline; as such, I have cut off all communication with everyone on my side of the family* — even if they never actually hurt me (sorry Egg!!).

* By this, I mean I do not talk to anyone older than me in my family (I am the youngest); I do however go to great lengths to talk to my children every day; even if it’s about nothing in particular. I also do not shy away from sharing stories of my childhood, or how they’ve affected me, as I firmly believe that they deserve the truth, and also should learn from my (and my family’s) mistakes. Suffice it to say, I do believe that my children are doing much better in life than I ever did when I was their age, so maybe it’s working.🤞

I used to incredibly close. We could very comfortably — I’d almost say like friends except the fact they did actually parent and never allowed us to walk all over them.

It’s kind of sad now, I don’t talk to my parents often anymore. We live a few states apart.

When I was a kid, we always had dinner together. During dinner, there would be lots of conversations, not only about how school/the day went but about politics and ethics. My father was really good at talking about “adult stuff” in a kid compatibile way. Then my sibling and I started growing up and bringing our own conversation topics to the table.

My father died a while ago, and for a bit my relationship with my mother was a bit tense (anti-vaxer VS scientist). We silently decided to bury the hatchet and not talk about that topic. Our relationship had been improving ever since. I honestly deeply enjoy every evening in which the three of us can keep chatting into the night. Both me and my sibling moved away, so they happen rarely and are all the more cherished.

I quickly learned to limit conversations with my parents to neutral and objective topics because opinions on personal ones and directions in life clashed. Our relationship improved enormously once I moved out. It’s good now, we are there for each other when it’s needed, but the distance is necessary to keep it that way.

Parents are the often the people who will have the most contact with a child in formative years of their life, which is why building healthy communication early on is critical in the development of the social skills they’ll use for the rest of their lives.

Insecurity about my language skills prevented me from talking to family members who lived abroad as much as I would have liked to when I was younger. Now I realize that some of them would have been happy that I was simply making the effort to communicate. So my advice is not to let that hold you back from reaching out to someone you want to talk to.

By the way, your comments about culture, mentality, and language in China and how they compare to the US are insightful and I enjoy reading them.

They talked at me a lot. Back and forth conversation was not really a thing between parents and kids when I was growing up.

We don't converse much today either but its more because I find their religious and political views repulsive.

It shifted with age and with their separation. As a kid, yes, a lot of contact. Later on, no, not much communication. In between mainly during meals, I guess. As far as I remember anyway.

When I moved away there was little contact. When I moved back we had more contact.

My mother, which I was very close/open with died. My father drifted into "alternative thinking", during covid I increased distance because I was unable to assess risk through them, and it never really recovered. Today, the very different world view and reasoning base are hindrances to being closer.

Mom talked all the time as a kid. Still talk to mom all the time. When i was away i used to call 15 minutes a day when i waited for the bus. One of my favorite humans to talk to.

Father side: I had forced visits and at some point late teens I stopped being excited to see him. He wasn't a terrible human it was just he was disappointing. He did the best he could as a parent but he his dumb. Like room temp iq. Its hard to talk to him and not fun. I disagreed with him on everything and he never listen to a word me or my sister say. it felt like it was his world and we are npcs. My SO had a theory that you get along with ppl at your mental level and it's evident my father never left his early teen years.