112
best I can do is a 10% reduction in bombing for Palestinian college graduates with a Pell grant that operate a business with at least four employees that can program in JavaScript
Oh, I will never forget this shit
The list of people who could receive it just leaves this perfectly visible trail for exactly how and who argued and compromised to the "solution." It could be forever used as a case study of how compromise compromises. People who were super serious about needing to "deserve" the relief got it whittled down to business owners who succeeded in the market™ and a bunch of spineless white moderates got it to apply to black people in poor areas. When the first was happy that only deserving people got it and the second was happy that the group was limited to an oppressed group, they said "now it's a good list" and published. Just perfect
Folks, we're doing 16% less genocide
🚨FACT CHECK🚨
16.66...% rounds to 17%. Stop spreading Russian disinformation!
This is how the adults in the room find compromise. 
The Onion can't keep up
I had to double-check the source. At this point the Onion should print boring normal news as a parody bit.
I really thought this was the fake news comm at first
humanitarian lunch break
Genocide Siesta
Pogrom brunch
HARM
REDUCTION
The Israeli military said they would be no full ceasefire, just tactical, local pauses for humanitarian aid.
Sounds like this is complete PR nonsense. They are not instituting any blanket 'pauses' really, but Biden admin wants to say they got Israel to do something.
"Listen Jack, we got Israel to institute 'humanitarian pauses' in the fighting"
Liberal media: crying, telling their children about 'Joe Biden the peacekeeper', spinning up stories of how he should get the Nobel Peace Prize
Reality: "We can just tell them that the time we already spend regrouping and resting between assaults is us doing a 'humanitarian pause' "
"These pauses will be held in the parts of Gaza that go four hours without being bombed because we are bombing elsewhere"
We did it everyone, we pushed genocide joe left
This is so cynical. Cartoon villian evil.
Oh fine I suppose we can break for lunch and I need a couple hours bullshit to other countries to arrest their citzens making me feel bad about my final solution.
Just like the starvation rations, libs will screech about how humane they are and shout us down for not being satisfied.
I'd put money on the pause time calculation being based entirely on how quickly they can replenish bomb stockpiles.
Oh cool, so some means tested
checks notes
genocide
Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good
Death to the Anglo-Zionist Axis
end Israeli apartheid
end Israel's genocides
from the river to the sea, Palestine will be free
Oh okay, so only getting bombed 20 hours a day.
You just know this is gonna last a week at most before they go back to 24/7 bombing
Rules based international genocide
We did it Joe
How much of that is the time it takes to land, refuel, rearm, get lunch and coffee, use the toilet, be briefed on new targets, hail Satan, and take off again
Edit: also they're not gonna wait the rest of the four hours
This is an onion article?
No, wait, it must be an onion article, surely, surely they wouldn't be this brazen, this openly awful...
Oh.
I bet the idf is going to make pauses of 5 minutes every 30 mins or something like that, and at the end of the day the pauses add up to 4h
Just adding up all the time it takes to reload and refuel the bombers/drones and calling that 4 hours.
Democrat moment
kill half the people
Centrists cumming in their pants rn
Thank god I get to have four hours of crying and mourning before the next 20 hours of running and screaming
freedom is sweet
They got the humanitarian pause Bernie wanted! And every day, too!
this post was submitted on 09 Nov 2023
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