"Sometimes I feel, oh yes, I could do

Almost everything I wanted

And it makes me cry"

-- Yoko Kanno, Flying Teapot, Cowboy Bebop soundtrack

“Your death it won’t happen to you, it happens to your family and your friends, I pretend.”

From the song “I Always Wanna Die Sometimes” by the 1975.

Got me out of a very dark place and made me realize how much it would hurt my friends and family if I went through with it.

We all have suicidal thoughts at some point. It’s when you actively think about how and when you’ll do it that you need help.

I sure could use a vacation from this Stupid shit! Silly shit! Stupid shit!

Tool - Ænima

This line from Uncle John's Band by Grateful Dead is really simple and maybe kinda cheesy but it's given me motivation and kept me in check a few times:

Well the first days are the hardest days, don't you worry anymore. 'Cause when life looks like easy street there is danger at your door

The deadly, yellow snow from right there where the huskies go.
Frank Zappa - Nanook Rubs It

Always makes me smile :)

Paul Simon, Crazy Love. The line is "sad as a lonely, little wrinkled balloon." Even as a kid, I always found that image so evocative.

And you are young and life is long

And there is time to kill today

And then one day you find

Ten years have got behind you

No one told you when to run

You missed the starting gun

Pink Floyd, Time

“Daddy grips the wheel and stares alone into the distance
He knows that something somewhere has to break
He sees the family home now looming in his headlights
The pain upstairs that makes his eyeballs ache”

Synchronicity II, The Police

“Music of rebellion makes you wanna rage;

But it’s made by millionaires who are nearly twice your age”

-The Sound of Muzak by Porcupine Tree

Also, People=Shit by Slipknot. lmao

I think that the truth is I'm scared

I think I'm just scared to live

I think that that the truth is I'm scared

I think that the truth is I'm everything that I hate

• Angela Baker and my obsession with fire

"Tired of lying in the sunshine, staying home to watch the rain"

"You are young and life is long, and there is time to kill today"

"But then one day you find, ten years have got behind you"

"No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun"

• Time, by Pink Floyd

"I've been on fire, and yet I've still stayed frozen"

CAKE No Phone

On an evening such as this It's hard to tell if I exist. Pack the car and leave this town. Who'll notice that I'm not around?

I can hide out under there... I just made you say underwear! I can leave but I'll just stay. All my stuff's here anyway.

Pinch me - Barenaked ladies

"I'm not suicidal I don't wanna fuckin die. I just wanna be able to close my eyes and feel alright, but everyday I feel like dyin."

Suicidal Thoughts - Josh A

"A heart that's full up like a landfill"

No Surprises by Radiohead

Makes me think of someone who's so empathetic that their heart is just always overflowing with thoughts of other people's misery. It hasn't gotten better.

I went to the doctor

I said I'm feeling kind of rough

"Let me break it to ya son

Your shits fucked up".

I said "my shits fucked up?

Well I don't see how."

He said "the shit that used to work.

Won't work now."

-Warren Zevon

Is a dream a lie if it don't come true or is it something worse? - Bruce Springsteen

Pretty much any Joanna Newsom lyric could qualify but this line,

"Scrape your knee it is only skin."

Goosebumps every time. It's such a cathartic lyric that the song has been building to for almost 12 minutes.

"Any waste of effort isn’t part of my design."

Human League - Tell Me When

“Do You Believe In Shame” by Duran Duran

I heard you speak my name
Heard you singing The Stones
Maybe heard you laughing in a line of static
On my telephone

So why your eyelids are closed
Inside a case of rust
And did you have to change
All your poet's fire into frozen dust?

I try to justify it
To learn from your mistake
But where's the stupid lie that has to make its point
With such a pointless waste?”

Simon wrote the lyric for the song about his friend Dave Miles, who tragically died of a drug overdose.

https://youtu.be/n_Io3CtmdoQ?si=x6ybn7QWd8eoUR41

Some are born to move the world

To live their fantasies

But most of us just dream about

The things we'd like to be

Sadder still to watch it die

Than never to have known it

For you, the blind who once could see

The bell tolls for thee

~Losing It, by Rush

"Not everyone understands house music,
It's a spiritual thing, a body thing, a soul thing."

House Music - Eddie Amador

Obligatory T-Swizzle lyrics incoming:

"It's me, hi, I'm the problem it's me."

I feel this whole song so fucking hard. But this line specifically because I form codependent relationships with people like crazy, and I always feel like a fuckin' burden/like my friends or husband don't truly like me. Like I'm stressing people out or putting too much pressure on them, so I'm not worth the effort of maintaining a relationship with.

There's an enemy

Living inside of me

And he's been wasting my time, wasting my time

-waste by David Vertesi

(Adult diagnosis of ADHD)

I was 18 Didn't have a care Working for peanuts Not a dime to spare But I was lean And solid everywhere Like a rock

Bob Seager

Seen the stars last night We're only vehicles for life So should your mind begin to shine Say, "Hey, alright", say, "I got mine"

TV on the Radio - Lazerray

I like to imagine this song being a fever dream of the band, them writing it down and recording it on the same evening. It’s a psychedelic banger with this cute message right at the end.

Im not here This isnt happening Im not here, im not here.

How to disappear completely-Radiohead

Such a simple lyrics, but it resonate with me

You gotta hold on, ready or not You live for the fight when that's all that you've got

Bon Jovi, Livin' on a Prayer

Break me with that truth

Take all my fractions

Shaping something new

Out of the fragments

Light up this old soul

I was broken, now I'm golden

Fractions - Juniper Vale

How I feel about meeting my SOs and the subsequent years.

From Chris Cornell - Preaching the End of the World "If your intentions are pure I'm seeking a friend for the end of the world"

[I wanna] Be the ice cream left out in her sun

The older I get the farther I get from this, but it was true for a very long time:

I'm so scared of getting older, I'm only good at being young, So I play the numbers game, To find a way to say my life has just begun.

I'm a Barbie girl, in this Barbie world. -Aqua

Let me fly once again / Like I did way back when / I would gamble and win / To lift me high above the din -

Given and Denied - Poets of the Fall

I'm all alone

Leslie Parrish- Save me

Show me your strength,

it's more than you know.

You'll never what you're made of

until you set foot down the road.

~Where the Skies End, by Starset

Gimme that canvas, let me paint some shit/ Pass me some poison, let me take a hit/ I'm just embarrassed and comfortably numb/ But failure is painful and lying is fun

Dress code, cocktails, looking so fancy/ We feel like we're a little bit classy/ Cheers to the fact that we're not dead/ Swimming with the sharks, but we're still not dead yet

Psycho I go right to buy those/ Optimistic magic fix it pills/ I'm so right though, that's my life, bro/ Underwater, coughing with my gills

Don't let this moment go to waste/ You don't know when the feeling could happen again/ Don't let this moment go to waste/ You don't know when the feeling could happen again

Touch me, taste me, tell me I'm not fading/ Tell me that I look just like a man/ 'Cause lately, baby, I've been going crazy/ Trying not to be an embarrassment

Heaven is a kiss and a smile. George Michael.

Well, my friends are gone and my hair is grey I ache in the places where I used to play

Leonard Cohen, Tower of song

Oh god so many I could ruin this post. Music is my most important processing art, and many of the musicians I listen to are very important to me. So I'll limit myself:

"We took a weekend, drove to Provo.

The snow was white and fluffy.

A weekend in Utah won't fix what's wrong with us

The grey sky was vast and real cryptic above me."

The Mountain Goats ~ The Mess Inside.

Because the work to get better and overcome truama isn't easy or short. I've done a lot of wonderful things with my wife, and we've both come incredibly far from our truamas. But most of the nice things we've done had very little impact on that recovery. To paraphrase a Ray Ramano bit from SNL, you're still gonna be you in Italy.

"I don't fall in love, I plummet." ~Ashley Virginia ~I Don't Fall in Love

"You can't stay everywhere you leave a piece of your heart." ~Little Mazarn ~Vermont

These two go together. I fall in love--with people, places, things, experiences--with abandon. I can be slow to let things in, especially people, because once I do it is quickly a no holds barred environment. It's what the Uhaul key on my necklace means. Because of that, I can't stay everywhere or keep everyone I love. I have to know when and what to let go, when and where to hold on.

Finally I guess I'm gonna wholly belie all notions of brevity with a whole god damn Diane Cluck song:

"Somethin' loosened around my heart

From where it was bound, it fluttered around

This funny motion first mistaken as attack

I realize and step back

With real eyes, I step back

And let it happen

Knitted so snug inside my chest

Iron lungs, ribs as rungs

Those who care to try and climb me

Sometimes say it's hard to find me

Still, in reflex, I would shout

When I began spilling out

Weeping clearly as a blister

"Hey, I'm here, " you almost missed her

And I have so much for you (Na-na-na-na-na-na)

Do you know how I get shy to show you?

I fill up, tender, with a glow (Na-na-na-na-na-na)

Fluff and puff as I try to show you

Display my falling feathers

As they leave me in this weather

The days, they go so quickly

Can't even stop them

Don't even want to"

Diane Cluck ~Heartloose

I usually have to listen to this song twice. It's so short, but so dense. Every bit of it shakes me. I don't have time to enumerate the ways this song applies, appeals, affects, and relates to me. Diane Cluck is so important to me.

"I need to make you understand, girl: I'm a man not a disco ball!"