Trans Megathread from January 13th, 2024 to January 19th, 2024 (hexbear.net)

submitted 1 week ago by oscardejarjayes@hexbear.net to c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net

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"Nearly every social event I have attended with [communists] has inevitably had some conversation about linux, furry culture, obscure leftist history, tabletop games, or other equally nerdy subjects"

Join our public Matrix server! https://matrix.to/#/#traacha:transfem.dev

As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.

Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.

Here is a screenshot of where to find the spoiler button.

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[-] gaystyleJoker@hexbear.net 3 points 5 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago)

hi, does anyone wanna make the mega in the upcoming weeks? if so, reply to this post and i'll add you to the list!

the list as it stands:

SwitchyandWitchy* (1/20 (The darkest day in the history of our democracy.) - 1/26)
SILLY BEAN@lemmygrad.ml* (1/27 - 2/2)
AshenWolf* (2/3 - 2/9)
GayTuckerCarlson* (2/10 - 2/16)
oscardejarjayes* (2/17 - 2/23)
EstraDoll (2/24 - 3/2)
Eco* (3/3 - 3/9)

* after name denotes someone who has posted before and will be skipped by first-time posters

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[-] KatGirl@hexbear.net 2 points 1 day ago

Damn some of these Xenogenders go hard

[-] rainn@hexbear.net 1 points 1 day ago

Tracha has multiple rooms now! Tracha Vent and Tracha Aux, for more details please check https://rentry.co/tracha#tracha-rooms

[-] GenderIsOpSec@hexbear.net 1 points 1 day ago

back at work and im falling asleep standing up

this is going to be a great day i can tell catgirl-flop

[-] GayTuckerCarlson@hexbear.net 2 points 2 days ago

[-] KatGirl@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Do I message the admins if I want new pronouns added? Craving cat based pronouns.

Also at that there's so many cat/kitten based pronouns I can't decide which I like best

[-] Luna@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Messaging @CARCOSA@hexbear.net directly should work. Excited to see what you pick, it's always cool to see new pronouns!

[-] TerminalEncounter@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Work fuckin sucked this weekend, charge duties, way too many patients, staff calling out and no one picking up, sicker kids than the last week, bleh. Glad it's over

[-] yewler@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

I'm sitting here on my bed and I can't stop imagining myself with boobs. I thought that was a more secondary desire but now that I'm actually on E I actually can't focus cause I'm thinking about my future boobs

[-] TerminalEncounter@hexbear.net 2 points 2 days ago

You know, before I ever got em I thought I'd be playing with them a lot more. I'm glad they're here and all

[-] Luna@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Luna containment zone: typed out more than I thought

Going back in my journal is quite interesting. For a while I was very anxious about boobs, and not sure whether or not I wanted them. I had gotten to the point of looking into SERMs and such to prevent growth, but it seemed like too much of a hassle, and I didn't want to deal with the scary side effects (including the possibility of eliminating future breast growth lol). Got on E, realized that I actually wanted them, they started growing in, and I just wanted them more and more. It was quite euphoric lying down on my chest and sitting there, wondering why it was so sore and hurt so much, before I put the pieces together and realized they were finally growing in. Now I regularly sacrifice a lamb to the gods each day paired with an hour of uninterrupted prayer (something along the lines of "grow grow grow"). Interesting how I went from being anxious about boobs (growing) to being anxious about boobs (not growing enough).

Anyway, wishing you luck on the boobs, they're quite great for reasons I can't quite explain doggirl-thumbsup

[-] Tomboymoder@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Explaining your brainworms to another person makes you realize how much brainworms you have.
Like…Jesus, I am mentally ill doggirl-sweat

[-] KatGirl@hexbear.net 10 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

Heh, nice argument, but you see, I have depicted myself as the 500mg of estradiol per day, and you as the 0.5 mg weekly

[-] Eco@hexbear.net 10 points 3 days ago

any album that ends with 20 minutes of silence then a bonus track should have the silence removed on streaming services

literally only makes sense on cds

[-] AssortedBiscuits@hexbear.net 6 points 3 days ago

It turns out /c/196's mod team is majority cis lmao CW: blahaj All that concern trolling about how Hexbear is full of fake trans people when it turns out their mod team is full of cissies.

[-] shallot@hexbear.net 6 points 3 days ago

To .world of all places lol

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[-] Tomboymoder@hexbear.net 13 points 3 days ago

My face is so smooth after shaving.
I think the laser is working doggirl-grin

[-] lilypad@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

major venting, processing (cw enmeshment and codependency)

I am so tired of my friend. She is in a codependent friendship with me that i am trying to get out of while she dives deeper into the hatred that comes with the slow withdrawl of ones therapist (me). Istg if i spoke to her the way she speaks to me she would freak tf out.

Shes homeless and we are housing her, and i want to stay dedicated to that, but it has been months of her making my life more and more painful, because she is upset that i spend intimiate time with my roomie and not with her. I didnt even reduce the amount of quality time with her, i just started spending intimate time with my roomie.

Me and my difficult friend spend most days together, i am her (perhaps only) source of codependent emotional validation, and she is pissed at me (like, staring daggers at me for daring to leave my room, being snippy petty and shitty, trying to control me, etc.) for not wanting to do that anymore and trying to establish a boundary around my time and emotional energy. I poured so much energy into her because i genuinely like her friendship when she is in a good space, and i wanted to help her get back on her feet again.

I struggle so much with codependency and she knows this, and ive been upfront with her about the ways ive contributed to the codependent friendship between us. I am trying to tell her again and again that she needs friends beyond just me and my roomie, but she doesnt try to make friends. So then i have to choose between emotionally abandoning this person or upholding my own boundaries and preserving my emotional sanity and safety.

I need an emotionally safe space for myself and she is taking that away by doing things like banging on my door to ask if it is ok to throw away a piece of trash that isnt even mine. It was clearly a ploy to try and let me know how pissed she is with me; its only recently ive stopped modifying my behavior and agreeing to unhealthy things (like texting her whenever me and roomie go to one of our rooms together) to make her less pissed off, make her not be angry with me. I think she recognized this and thats why she only talks to me about her issues and not my roomie, cause my roomie established boundaries early on. Im so exhausted of having her hate me for not spending all waking moments with her.

Were all supposed to move together, try to find a house, but im legitimately terrified to sign a lease with her. I refuse to bring this dynamic with me into a new home. Plus where we are now has fantastic sound isolation and wherever we move will be far worse: her main complaint is hearing us fuck, which we have taken steps to reduce and eliminate where possible. However we havent fucked in like a month, and she has complained about us every time we go to one of our rooms. She complained today that she could hear us talking last night and it kept her up which 1 no it fucking did not, we were not talking loud, she heard murmurs and hyperfixated on them i know because i have heard her shouting in her room and it is not fucking loud at all and 2 if thats happening come knock on the fucking door instead of sulking all night. Talk to us and ask us to be quieter when its quiet hours in the apt block. If its outside quiet hours put on some ocean waves or other ambient music. And also like I cant read your fucking mind and shouldnt have to deal with your hatred and vitriol for failing to! Its like she expects me to solve her problems for her without telling me about them, and the only solution acceptable to her is such an extreme contortion for me that its completely unacceptable! I have no fucking sexual autonomy in my own fucking home anymore!

I need out of this dynamic, i need her to have housing, i want her to be happy, and i want her and i to be ok in our friendship. But right now, i think i have to choose between the needs and the wants, because i cant get out of this dynamic and ensure shes housed while also making sure shes happy and were ok. I think I have to stop caring about her feelings and that scares me so much and really activates my own self hatred.

In summation:

[-] lilypad@hexbear.net 9 points 3 days ago

::: spoiler spoiler

Im infatuated with multiple people and it kinda sucks, why must the heart yearn for pretty women to just hold me close?

[-] Yukiko@hexbear.net 19 points 3 days ago

CW: Severe dysphoria and depression, discussion of self-harm, relationship and familial issues

I can't be around here right now. Everything is setting of severe dysphoria and depression. I've had to completely disconnect from any talk about gender, sex, or relationships as it torpedoes my mental state immediately. I've even been avoiding my friends and "family." Family being my mother and sister, who are now on the verge of being tossed out of my fucking life. It's like everyone lacks empathy. No one understands the sheer immensity of the pain and suffering I'm going through right now. "Just cheer up. Smile and you'll be fine. That's no reason to be so upset." Thanks mom. Go fuck yourself. You've not exactly been the most helpful during my transition these last few years. The shadow of my ex continues to hang over me and I've destroyed some things in my house that remind me of him. I've been extremely not well if that's not clear. I even skipped out on making the topic this week cause I just can't. I'm glad I value my life so highly otherwise I might not be here right now. It's crossed my mind on more than one occasion recently, too. Even my therapist isn't fucking helping me. Ugh.

I just wish I was born a woman. I feel like a horrible facsimile. Like someone was given a doll and parts and told to do their best. This vagina. These breasts. They all feel horrendously fake. I feel like someone took a hobby knife to a Ken doll and just did what they could. I can't stand it. I just want to feel me. I wish I could've grown up properly. I wish I could have a uterus. I wish I could have children to raise and watch grow up and give a good life to. I wish I could've had all those experiences in life that cis-women just take for granted. I can't take this. I just can't.

I know almost none of you really know me or care about me and I apologize for shitting up the mega. All of you are so happy with what you're going through that you don't deserve to see the absolute trainwreck that is my life right now. I'm sorry, but with no one to properly just vent to, I resort to coming here. Legitimately if you don't like it and don't care to see this, I will stop. Just tell me in reply or PM. Seriously.

[-] AntifaSuperWombat@hexbear.net 10 points 3 days ago

When I transitioned 5 years ago, I was of course ecstatic about it because I was gatekept for so long. But after the euphoria waned off, I was completely smacked in the face by the realities of trans life, especially when it came to my self-image.

What helped me most during this time was discovering a certain trans streamer that I immediately fell in love with. She always has these deep meaningful monologues about all kind of topics, but very often it was about her own transition and the struggles she faces, which are very similar to my own. And so listening to her for hours and hours gave me insight into things that I never considered before and it really helped me improve my self-image.

But what it really gave me was the feeling that I wasn’t alone in this world. That there are others who go through the exact same issues as I do, fighting for a place in this hostile world. And reading your vents, that are supposedly oh so inapropriate, gives me the same feeling. The feeling that I’m not alone.

So thank you and everyone else who is a part of this community for making my life more bearable. Don’t stop posting! cat-trans

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[-] BountifulEggnog@hexbear.net 11 points 3 days ago

spoiler

The cis really don't understand, and I'm sorry. Its hard not having people who understand. I understand wishing I was born cis. I'm really glad you are still here.

I don't know you, but I do care about you and read all your posts. You aren't 'shitting up the mega". I genuinely like seeing when other people vent post. It makes me feel less alone in my struggles and feelings. I wish I knew what to say, or how to help, but I don't. I am just as lost as you are. And usually too depressed to say anything of substance to your posts.

All of you are so happy with what you're going through

This has been the most stressful experience of my life and I have very little hope in the medium to long term.

[-] amy_jmayday@hexbear.net 10 points 3 days ago

i dunno if this'll be helpful, and maybe it's weird or dumb idk, but i'm glad you're here. we had like a quarter of a conversation about painting thousand sons, and maybe it's silly but that brought me joy. you've made me happy to be here.

i don't think you're shitting up anything.

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[-] LisaTrevor@hexbear.net 10 points 3 days ago

cuddle

I'm sorry fellow internet stranger. I feel a lot of the same things a lot of the time too. It's also hard for me to find appropriate places and people to vent about it to, and I've been similarly frustrated with therapists. I hope you're okay with me adding just a little shared misery, feel free to ignore it if you can't handle hearing about someone else's struggle with dysphoria right now. My intention is to give some comfort through company, not to make you feel even worse or more hopeless. Whether or not you read it, I want you to know you're not alone.

More Discussion of Dysphoria, self-harming behaviors, internalized transphobia

Have you ever self-harmed by obsessing over gender theory, or trying to find the perfect argument to destroy any transphobic/TERF ideology from its foundations? I tend to do that when I'm feeling particularly bad and it never really helps. Sometimes in turns into this horrible spiral where I'm trying to like, argue myself out of my dysphoria. Like, oh, I'm only dysphoric because of bullshit patriarchal cishet standards and conceptions of "natural" sex and "real" gender anyway, so if I read something water-tight convincing enough that undercuts those ideas, I can somehow talk myself out of it, make it go away. But it always makes it worse, because in doing so I only end up focusing more acutely on where the pain is coming from, and inevitably I end up reading pages of explicit transphobia, ostensibly to find all of its flaws and pick it apart and make it feel less true, but I'm reading it anyway and it ends up sinking in and making me feel like complete shit, sometimes for days or weeks.

That is to say, I really relate to feeling like an imposter in my own skin. That I'm somehow less "real" than what I am. That there is an ontological gap that cannot ever be completely filled.

But sometimes, I feel a real sense of pride in these same things. I have my friends and my partner and the occasional queer acquaintance who I feel truly do see me for more than what I see in myself, who make that realness tangible in ways that it doesn't anywhere else. Sometimes I'll find a particular piece of art or writing that I really do think just gets it and I'll feel seen in a way that doesn't feel like being exposed, but embraced.

And sometimes, very rarely, I'll manage to see that in myself, if only for a moment. And in those fleeting seconds, it all feels worth it.

sorry to anyone who feels this is an inappropriate use of this space. i understand there's sort of a taboo around venting and using shared spaces as therapy sessions because, well, i'm sure we all know where endless, normalized pessimism can lead. we've all heard of 4chan. i'm very much not trying to cause a chain reaction and I promise not to make this kind of posting a habit. I just, idk, something about this specific comment really struck a chord with me, so I really wanted to reach out and share my own experiences with the same sorts of feelings. I hope this is ok.

if anyone feels like they want to talk about any of this, ask me questions about it, or just feels like shooting the shit with someone who might be in a similar situation, my DMs are open

all love to all my trans comrades. thanks

[-] RION@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Back on the mones, hopefully no more interruptions now that I've got my jizz frozen

[-] yewler@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Omg modded Minecraft is so much fun

[-] Wendy_Pleakley@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

::: spoiler dysphoria, suicide My brothers went to the liquor store without me, my cousins are all friends and have excluded me and my siblings, I want to be launched into the sun, and I don't think anyone would care if I disappeared. My presence has no impact.

Shit weekend. I wasted it. Nobody sees me. God fucking dammit. I want to disappear

I feel more and more like I can only do self-care by shutting everyone out and deciding that I don't care anymore. And that's a hard thing to face, because I feel really let down. I was supposed to communicate perfectly in order to get help, and I couldn't, so no wonder I'm where I'm at. It stinks.

I don't like having violent thoughts. I don't know where to put this shit. I could scream at everyone. I could break something. If this is all a lie let me just blow it the fuck up and start over without any pretense of having somebody

Like I have been dead fucking alone with my thoughts for half a decade. I could rip my hair out but it's probably gonna fall out on its own. Then I'll look even more like a guy. What a strapping ~~young~~ man.

Obviously I'm stupid for expecting someone to notice an abrupt and obvious change in my behaviors. Obviously I expect too much from people. Which tells me that I, once again, have let everyone down. Like, this shit never ends! I don't understand the distinction between having zero expectations from others and just not caring. I'm getting really close to not caring what happens. It sucks.

I just wanna disappear and transition and never have to deal with these people again. It's not even that they aren't accepting,they just don't see me regardless and I feel invisible. I just want a new life with people who I don't have to wonder if they care or not. Like I am so sick of all of it and nobody caring. Am I a psychopath for being sad and hoping that someone notices. Am I really just supposed to say "hey can we talk . uh uh I'm SAD!" like a toddler. What the fuck am I supposed to do

[-] AshenWolf@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

There's something that I'm beginning to find really fun to say...

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[-] JohnBrownsBussy2@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Went out shopping (for a bit) in full femme outfit today: black tank top + b/w flannel + leather jacket + full makeup. I was wearing a mask since I am still coughing/recovering, but I had full eye makeup (shiny eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara and brow pencil). Also wearing a layered chain necklace and a matching studded choker, along with a studded belt and combat boots. Outerwear was a black leather coat. It was really fun, and I want to post it to RedNote but I don't know what tags to use

CW: Dysphoria, passing anxiety

Right before going out, I sent some pics to a male friend (platonic) that I am out to see if he thought whether my mask made me "look more femme" (i.e., help getting closer to passing). He said there was no difference. I don't think he was being mean, but that really hurt for some reason.

I've mostly just come out to my old gaming buddies, who are unfortunately cismen. I need to come out to my women friends in town to get better opinions and advice, and I desperately need to make friends with local trans people.

[-] Tomboymoder@hexbear.net 4 points 2 days ago

I feel like cis men are gonna be clueless about transition stuff

[-] AntifaSuperWombat@hexbear.net 2 points 2 days ago

I think cis people in general are not nearly as critical about our appearance as us.

[-] EstraDoll@hexbear.net 3 points 2 days ago

mmmm....

long hair on back of neck feels nice :)

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[-] Eco@hexbear.net 7 points 3 days ago

i wish bean bags were good

[-] 0x2640@hexbear.net 4 points 3 days ago

awwwwoooooooo

[-] Tommasi@hexbear.net 2 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

After a year, doing my estrogen injections are just a normal, mildly annoying part of life, and not super exciting like they used to be. I know it was bound to happen at some point, but still a bit sad. transshork-sad On the other hand, there's something nice about feeling it's a normal part of life too.

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[-] Kiagz@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Feeling so overwhelmed rn catgirl-cry

[-] MusicOwl@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

meow-hug hope things get better soon, comrade. I was feeling this way earlier.

[-] Eco@hexbear.net 10 points 3 days ago

i got dragged to a catholic service last sunday and it was boring af

how do people do that every week. at least the evangelical church i grew up in had energy

[-] AntifaSuperWombat@hexbear.net 9 points 3 days ago

Catholicism is all about putting yourself through unnecessary suffering because everyone is a sinner from birth. People who grew up with seeing half-naked Jesuses dying on crosses being hung on every wall just think it’s normal.

[-] Tomboymoder@hexbear.net 9 points 3 days ago

I blame the amateur singers doggirl-gloom

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[-] Eco@hexbear.net 5 points 3 days ago

old-fashioned with shrimple syrup

[-] Tommasi@hexbear.net 6 points 3 days ago

Why are cigarettes deathly unhealthy when they're such a vibe?

[-] LocalOaf@hexbear.net 1 points 2 days ago

Drinkin' gay baby juice rainbow-has

This shit ain't nothing to me man dracula-flow

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this post was submitted on 13 Jan 2025

83 points (100.0% liked)

traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns

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Welcome to /c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, an anti-capitalist meme community for transgender and gender diverse people.

Please follow the Hexbear Code of Conduct
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