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Steal nothing, but they'll think it was me every time they misplace something.
Your heart 
the election
I'm taking all your phone chargers except that one you have to hold juuust right to work
The rotating plate in the microwave
The removal of one-third of the zipper teeth in every article of clothing you own from random places along the line.
A hairline portion of the bottom of your favorite shoes so that they now slowly wick up water from any surface you step on into your insoles.
Removing every groove on one out of seven items in your house that have screw caps.
If you have an office chair that has a gas cylinder for variable height adjustment, I steal half a millimeter of your gas cylinders gasket seal, making it so it slowly fails and sinks you every time you sit down for significant periods of time.
Stealing the wires out of your fridges internal light bulbs sockets.
Steal random bits of the fluff in your pillows so it becomes more uncomfortable.
Steal the mesh strainer for your kitchen drain.
If you have a water boiler where you live, Steal the small metal plate that protects the pilot light inside your water boiler from random gusts of wind.
Steal 1-2 links in the chain that connects the manual activated flushing lever on the exterior of the toilet tank to the flushing valve inside the toilet tank do there's constant leaking water into the bowl.
Remove one of the screws to the door frame lock receptacle for the door knob mechanism so it occasionally mildly binds up attempts to open or close the door.
Steal the copper wires that feed specifically into the microwave generator part of the microwave so it does all the normal shit it'd supposed to do but doesn't warm your food.
Steal from your second favorite set of shoes, the shoe laces off of one shoe and the tongue of the other shoe.
Steal enough fibers out of your tooth brush that all the bristles fall out the moment you use it.
If you have a car, either steal its air filter or the plastic tubing between your windshield wash fluid tank and your wipers.
If you wear baseball caps, Steal the back part of the hat that makes them size adjustable
If you wear glasses, Steal the plastic-rubber off of one of your nose pieces.
Power strips, but only if they're behind heavy furniture.
USB charging cables.
Lol I would replace all of your usb-c with micro USB cables ...
I would replace all your USB data cables with identical looking USB charge only cables
You monster
Not your keys, but the ring the keys are on
Half of their junk drawer
The innards of various buttons. So like, the button cover is there, but they won't click and they'll have no spring to them.
1 from each pair of socks in their sock drawer.
Shoelaces.
Toilet seat.
The light bulb in the refrigerator.
The light bulb in the refrigerator.
You monster
all but one of each type of battery
one of the rolling slide thingies on the inside of their drawers
half a belt (cut it in half)
some of the buttons on the TV remote
the ice cube trays
Stealing the batteries out of your car key fobs.
Toilet paper roll holder.
All the chains from the toilet water reservoirs
TP
every butter knife
a perfectly distributed collection of tupperware/lids such that no remaining combination of container and lid actually fits together.
You fiend! Haha. Man, am I laughing!
Who needs all those use by labels anyway?
Planning a prank?
Salt
Hot sauce or other condiments
Remote control batteries
Mouthwash
Rubix cube
Don't steal a rubix cube, swap 2 stickers in the edges to make it impossible.
Half of every pair of socks except for the ones that have holes in them
All the clothes hangars
Soap and shampoo but leave the empty bottle
I'm removing all the bookmarks and leaving them in a pile
Oof.
---
Ninja edit
But maybe it's better to take all but one of the bookmarks. And leave that one sort of hidden on a very low bookshelf so they might find it in a few weeks.
Hear me out: REMOVE THE BOOKMARKS, and put them back into the books at a random spot.
Okay. You win. That's best. Hahaaha.
All of their good ballpoint pens.
Toilet paper but not the roll.
The buttons to their car radio.
The aglets from their laces.
One-third of the heating coils in their toaster.
The needle on their vehicle fuel gauge.
Half the blade on their lawnmower.
The cap on all their pens.
The microphone from their smartphone.
cut the aglets off their shoes
Every felt or rubber stopper to stop the furniture from scratching the floor.
Also, i'm turning the thermostat up and ripping out the dial.
And the buttons off your jackets, just for fun.
stealing an air fryer's tray/compartment thingy
Smart home hardware. Maybe even just a couple resistors out of the device.
All the USB-C cables and all of the USB-A wall chargers
The TV remote.
I don't steal anything, I just throw a bunch of Lego bricks next to their bed.
One screw from every object I can find.
Methylamine.
All the potholders. I put benign objects in their place so that my victims don't notice their absence until they need them.
The ends of the shoe laces that keep them from fraying.
Dishes hidden in the back of the shelves that are only brought out during holidays and special occassions.
Condiments in the fridge that are less than 1/4 full.