this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2026
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Unironically that's been how most of my successful dates have gone. Being conventionally attractive with the social skills of a turnip can be interesting sometimes.
Oh, I know it's a different world for the attractive. Best I can manage is, "You're scrawny and weird, and you've got a beak like a toucan, but it is 3:00 am, so..."
Hey, that's my uncle and he cleaned up both before and between his marriages. I recommend a subscription to GQ and a career in academia.
Toucan beaks run in the family.
I'm listening
Face sitting.
Some guys: "I am the genetically perfect man, able to provide and protect, recite poetry and carry you from a burning building to safety."
My father: "Alcoholism and mental illness means I'm usually the last person in the bar at closing time."
Some people find those kind of noses to be disarmingly attractive.
Ayy, you come here often?
That toucan beak is an asset, my friend. Use it!
Ooo, sexy turnip!
Why was this in Linda’s voice?
Well, it is now for me!
Bob's burgers? That Linda?
Yup
I’ve never been described so well, social skills of a turnip. I want to be mad, but I’ve had a lot of sex on first dates and my penis is average, unless huge balls are sexy.