Look at this monstrosity New Zealand pumped out during World War II. Built in case of Japanese invasion, the tank was made by slapping corrugated iron on a tractor and calling it a day. The Japanese tanks were hardly great, but a Ha-Go is infinitely better than this. Nonetheless, I love it for its shittiness.
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My life never even got off the ground. I laid down on the starting line and never was able to get back up. I never was able to function.
We could blame the neglect. I think the depression, the dissociation, the pain from dysphoria probably had more to do with it. In fact I know they did. My sister was neglected just the same but she is out and free and what every adult in their 20s should be.
And I can't even get started. I can't do the basics. I've tried hrt. I've tried as much social transition as I can. We're in a blue state now. FUCKING NONE OF IT WORKED. I AM EVERY BIT STUCK ROTTING AND HATING MY LIFE AND UNMOVING AS I'VE EVER BEEN. WHY THE FUCKING FUCK DO I HAVE TO EXIST LIKE THIS.
Other trans people make it all the time. Other autistic people get off the ground. Other depressed fucks have jobs. A d here I am, crying my eyes out again, making no progress, never making any fucking progress. Nothing has actually worked to help me succeed.
I'm a failure. A complete waste of space. My family would have been better off to not have me. I've tried positive thinking. I've tried schedules. I've tried having people push me. I've tried meds. Ketamine therapy. TMS. ECT. Therapy. Hrt. Social transition. I'm loved. Nothing fucking works because I am broken. Depression and dysphoria broke me. My choices broke me. Society broke me. What a fucking waste. So now what? I'm supposed to
suicide
Kill myself I guess? To get a gun and embrace never existing again?Nothing has fucking worked for me. I am a rotting failure. I was a happy, curious child. And here I fucking am now. Completely broken. Interventions and treatment failing.
I wish so badly my dysphoria and depression has been a little less severe, that I could have gotten just a little bit further in life. If I had a fucking job.
I'm really sorry it's been so tough Eggy. I'm in a different place with this stuff but I do understand feeling like a failure about it anyway. I felt like a failure when I first started spending time with other trans people. There were people a year into their transition who seemed far more comfortable and further along than I was despite coming out years earlier.
Unfortunately it's just slow and difficult for some of us, but I also wanna push back a bit because while you've taken important steps, you really haven't tried much so far since coming out apart from HRT. You've girl moded like twice I think? You've taken the very first steps of social transition and only briefly. You're still a full time boymoder, you have no idea what awaits you yet. And I doubt you could imagine it rn since your doomer-ass attitude seems to make imagining a future where you are happy so difficult.
It's not just where I'm at in transition. I mean obviously I wish I was further along. They've been people here who are out, post ffs and srs, passing and gone in the time I've gotten to where I am. What is really bothering me right now is life stuff. Thank you.
It was once.
Hrt was supposed to help me do the things. To function better. To drive, to get a job. "just wait for 6 months!". And here I am, still. I still don't take care of myself, I still don't have a job, I still don't know what to do or how to get a job, I have made basically no life progress. I try, and fail, and I never get anywhere. It feels like nothing actually helps me attain my goals, my hypothetical happy future.
I was typing out a response, switched apps on my phone to quickly ADHD-respond to a message, and came back and my phone had dunked the tab to reclaim the memory and reloaded the page
Im sorry Eggy, I know it will get better and hope on some level you can believe that even if just a little bit. It is true and you're still very young. For now I'm sending hugs
I understand, I hate that. Thank you.
It's hard. I've been feeling way worse lately too. I feel uncomfortable everywhere except when I'm alone at home and it fucking suuuuuuuuucks especially feeling like not yourself
I relate to this. My birth father was a piece of shit and set a very low bar. My stepfather dug way under that. The amount of abuse my mother, my sister, and I suffered and continue to suffer should easily be enough to entitle us to a lifetime of disability benefits. I'm the only trans person, but they both had their own problems on top of the hell we lived in. My sister somehow broke free and got a life. My mom thrived in a retail job until covid and the incompetence of the nepo baby in charge killed the chain. I always did well in school somehow, but anything beyond that has always felt completely impossible.
I wish I could say something meaningful to help, but I'm clueless too.