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weird 2 am thoughts but (this is mostly for other trans women)
did anyone else feel weirdly ashamed about being attracted to women as an egg? i remember feeling super ashamed by being what i thought was a heterosexual boy/man but in retrospect i can hardly articulate why i felt so ashamed of it. is this a thing anyone else had or was this just me being weird?
God that hits so close to home... It was so hard to experience attraction without experiencing shame... Like, part of it was that i wasnt just attracted to them, i also wanted to be them/look like them. But even beyond that, i felt like my attraction to women was inherrently predatory and bad.
yep, mmmhmm, exactly how i felt too
dysphoria
I had a lot of shame... or I guess shame adjacent feelings about it yeah. It was to such a degree that it was dysphoric for me.I grew up in a really Catholic area and definitely had some of the puritanical shit internalized. When I was really strongly attracted to a woman or very envious of a woman's femininity I felt Unclean, it felt overwhelmingly "male" and was basically the worst I ever felt about myself.
When I started hrt and it nuked my libido I was actually super stoked about it because I knew it meant I wouldn't have that feeling anymore, haha. Glad that that didn't last though, since being a butch lesbian is basically the coolest me that I can be and the new sort of attraction feels so much better.
Yeah definitely I really liked women so much, but I was deathly terrified of the idea of sex or being perceived as predatory or creepy.
Yes. Similar thoughts to other commenters. It was to the extent that I started considering myself ace due to my aversion and shame, it was something my body wanted to do so badly, but a part of my mind never wanted to go there. Start taking E, libido goes way down, and I'm excited because that conflict is finally gone. And if course now that the libido was gone my mind decides it wants to go there.
Still working through these thoughts, and have made massive progress (even have my libido back, it comes in waves). It feels nice to have a lot less shame and pain around it, and honestly I'm really lucky to have someone who's helped (and helping) me with that. I still get anxiety of having worked on it "in theory", but having things come back "in practice", but I think having a person I'm comfortable with and really trust mitigates (and would mitigate) that a lot.
I didn't think women were sexual attractive, so no. But I remember liking when people would ask if I'm gay, cause I like the idea that other people assumed I was even if though I wasn't.