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I need to survive 3 days without pooping.. (lemmings.world)

submitted 5 months ago by Frank@lemmings.world to c/memes@lemmy.ml

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[-] AmosBurton_ThatGuy@lemmy.ca 45 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

Infinite poop.

You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell.

The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates.

The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier.

The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness.

The poop accelerates. Forever.

[-] SatansMaggotyCumFart@lemmy.world 24 points 5 months ago

Fucking shitposters.

[-] peteypete420@sh.itjust.works 38 points 5 months ago

That image has a real Shel Silverstein look to it. Pretty cool

[-] ummthatguy@lemmy.world 8 points 5 months ago

And just a touch of the illustrator for Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark

[-] peteypete420@sh.itjust.works 2 points 5 months ago

Yes totally!

[-] sdc@infosec.pub 6 points 5 months ago

I thought it was https://theartofpants.com/

[-] bathroomconnoisseur@lemmy.ca 3 points 5 months ago

It is

[-] ramenshaman@lemmy.world 14 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

I haven't pooped for 2 days and I'm becoming concerned.

Edit: just pooped, all is well.

[-] BurningTurtle@lemmy.burningturtle.win 9 points 5 months ago

Is the 3 day no poop challenge coming back?

[-] The_Che_Banana@beehaw.org 3 points 5 months ago

You can live your dreams.

[-] MeetInPotatoes@lemmy.ml 3 points 5 months ago

You can live your beans.

[-] Zerush@lemmy.ml 9 points 5 months ago

[-] Schlemmy@lemmy.ml 6 points 5 months ago

I like your drawing style. Awesome

[-] davel@lemmy.ml 6 points 5 months ago

Ask any opioid partaker and they’ll tell you that’s not how it works.

[-] FartsWithAnAccent@fedia.io 6 points 5 months ago

10/10, no notes.

[-] ArmoredThirteen@lemmy.ml 6 points 5 months ago

Yo I got surgery on the 6th and it took until yesterday for my digestive tract to wake up enough to poop again

[-] tiredofsametab@kbin.run 5 points 5 months ago

I'll make up for it since I'm usually 3x/day.

[-] Yawweee877h444@lemmy.world 1 points 5 months ago

Usually? Wtf is your diet like bro

[-] tiredofsametab@kbin.run 2 points 5 months ago

Two to three meals a day, almost no snacks, generally a decent amount of fiber. Mom's basically the same and I think grandmother was. Mom has been diagnosed with various forms of IBS. Dad has Celiac's and a DNA test I took said increased risk.

If I go keto, almost all the issues disappear. Trying to do that is basically impossible whilst living with my wife because I can't just not make food and not keep anything I shouldn't eat in the house (my willpower eventually crumbles when I'm busy or stressed).