Ask Lemmy

The concept of an expensive engagement ring is based on the realities of a different era, as is asking her dad for permission.

At a time when women couldn't have bank accounts, their jewellery was their emergency savings. The engagement ring in particular was a way for a man to prove that he could financially provide for her, and for her to show to the world that she made a good financial match. This is why engagement rings have historically been very expensive status symbols.

Today, the engagement ring is about love, not status. So forget about what you "should" do and show her that you love her, by thinking about what she would appreciate most.

1. I wouldn't ask her dad unless she is very traditional and extremely close to her dad i.e. only do this if you believe that she would like that and that he will say yes (and yes, it is very patriarchal).

2. What do you think she would value more - having you propose with a ring, or going shopping for a ring together? She will have to wear it, so making sure that she loves it is more important than the price.

3. Stick to what you can realistically afford, bearing in mind that weddings and honeymoons are expensive too. Might she prefer a less expensive ring and a nicer honeymoon?

3a) Definitely don't overspend on a natural diamond. The value of natural diamonds in typical engagement ring sizes (< 1 carat) have fallen dramatically in the last 10-15 years, you can see a fun chart here: https://www.pricescope.com/diamond-prices/diamond-prices-chart/ (Ask me how I know 🙃)

Above all, remember that this is meant to be a fun and exciting time for both of you, so forget about what others expect and focus on what would make you the happiest in the long term.

If you aren't sure of the ring, you may want to ask tbh. Some people want an expensive ring, others like my wife wanted to go shop with me for it after the proposal. I gave her an etsy amulet of Mara for the proposal then we did a modest ring later.

As for her dad, do it, but not to ask for permission, more to officially inform him and her mother. That's an important distinction. I did this, my feminist wife respected it quite a bit, and her dad felt honored and respected.

I associated with a guy online that turned a makeshift ring on a lathe at work to give to his girl as a place-holder for when he could afford a real ring. She loved it so much she told him not to buy one.

He was kind of a perfectionist and it actually looked pretty good, but as I recall there were no precious metals involved.

So, bottom line...what kind of person is she? Price isn't important.

Whatever you do DON'T spend a year's salary on a ring. That's just jewelry store marketing talking.

My opinion as a pragmatist and a woman: an engagement shouldn't be a surprise. The formality of the proposal itself can be a surprise, but just like a birthday party it should be something expected and at the very least loosely discussed with the person. Asking "what kind of proposals do you like?" and figuring out if they want something public or private, or in front of friends or something small is really important. What kind of engagement ring should go in this discussion. She might hate diamonds, she might love them, she might have a metal allergy, she might have a stone that means a lot to her, she might hate rings with stones at all because they catch on things. You don't know until you ask, and by asking you're showing her the respect and that you value her opinion.

My wife picked out a maybe $50 moissanite ring that everyone thinks is worth thousands

She also picked where she wanted me to propose to her

Why do you need an engagement ring? Can't two people just get engaged without going into debt for a fucking rock?

Spend what you can afford. Diamonds aren’t that special, maybe consider a stone that means more to your partner.

I refused to ask my wife’s father for permission to marry her. She is not his property and tbh even if he had said no (he wouldn’t have) I would have asked her anyway.

If I remember correctly, I spent around $400. At the time it was roughly 30% of a paycheck.

Also do you think it is misogynist to ask the lady's dad for permission?

Misogynistic?

Not per se. I suppose it comes down to why you're asking.

Needed?

No. Women make their own decisions.

I have been married for 20 years, after 9 years of being together. Engagement rings are not traditional where I live, but wedding rings are. We bought titanium rings for less than 100 euros each. No stones, just the metal. Titanium is way cooler than gold or platinum too. They make reconnaisance planes out of it!

Find a local lapidary society. Members will sell you a cut stone that is unique. Get it set by a manufacturing jeweller. The lapidarist I found gifted me a 1.75 carat topaz that he had fossicked and cut. Then it cost me $375 AUD to have it set. Wife loves it and it’s a one of a kind.

10k on a ring? Holy!

I think this is something worth discussing with your s.o. Maybe they agree about not wanting to spend a whole lot. Maybe it is really important to them.

Maybe they don't want a ring at all.

And if it's mysogonistic to ask for the fathers opinion? Yes. Yes it is. Men should not have this power over their daughters decisions.

I took my wife to a facility that was all about collaborative ring picking. It was no secret that I was going to propose; both she and I have always felt that the circumstances of the proposal could be a surprise, but the fact of and answer to the proposal shouldn't be.

I ended up proposing to her while she was carrying a pile of my underwear. It wasn't on purpose - I didn't even notice until she had said yes - but she described it as "very us."

With regards to budget, she and I discussed a range beforehand. We came up with a number that was nice but realistic for what we could afford at the time.

With regards to asking permission, I didn't feel it necessary. I did technically discuss it with her dad beforehand, but mostly for the ceremony of the thing. I doubt he even remembers the conversation. It can be a nice gesture to do so - most good dads would probably like it and many women would probably enjoy the gesture - but I don't think it's needed.

I think I spent 20 euros on a ring I thought was cute (and resizable, because I didn't know her ring size), and we later bought wedding rings together.

I'm French. No more than $500, anything higher would be crazy. I don't understand this American thing to spend 10 years of salary on a ring, and my wife does not understand that either.

do you think it is misogynist to ask the lady’s dad for permission?

No, it's cute. Do it!

The more you spend on a wedding, the more likely it is the marriage will fail.

https://www.harpersbazaar.com/uk/brides/a22085716/couples-who-have-expensive-weddings-are-more-likely-to-get-divorced/

I spent $1,000 on my wife's ring, we just had our 15th anniversary.

Personally I feel the whole concept of the man proposing with a ring is outdated. The decision to get married was a joint decision between my wife and me. We talked about it, agreed we both wanted it and then decided together when we wanted to get married. There was no engagement ring and we didn't spend a lot on our wedding rings either (I can't remember how much, but it was relatively speaking very cheap). The wedding itself was also rather small and not that expensive (again, relatively). We had a lovely day and never regretted not spending more, even if we could have afforded to.

But getting married is one of these things where the right way is your way. Everyone wants something different and nobody can tell you what's best for you and your partner.

Spend what you can afford. Pay more attention to the style she likes than the cost.

If she says no because the ring wasn't expensive enough, you dodged a bullet.

Ask them. We paid like $20 for some plain tungsten rings and were quite happy.

I'll give a highly biased answer: fuck the whole, tired conventional consumerist diamond ring custom. Find something not necessarily expensive that would be symbolically meaningful to you both.

I would ask her parents for approval and spend as much as I feel comfortable doing. Which is definitely below 10k, because at that point I would worry about someone walking up and just chopping her hand of (or following us home, maybe slightly more reallistic).

I think plain gold rings are fine. Otherwise just anything that looks decent. Rule of thumb: Your wedding rings shouldn't dictate your outfits.

I just realized you said 'engagement', not 'wedding'. What the actual fuck man.

Dad here. I'd fall flat on my ass if some boyfriend came to me asking permission - pretty sure it won't happen given the way we rose our daughters.

Fun unrelated to marriage fact: I once had my SO check the front window of a jewelry shop to "pick her favourite" - the stated game was that if we both silently picked the same I'd buy it for her. Some 30+ years later she still wears it on her ring finger. No stone, a ladder of white gold encasing gold stars.

Many imaginative solutions around :)

I asked my father in law if he minded me asking for his daughter's hand in marriage. We were already quite close and although I was confident in the answer I was still putting myself out there. It wasn't about ownership or anything like that, it was simply a nod to tradition and I know he appreciated the gesture.

He also loved being the first to know haha

If it doesn't put you in generational debt its not enough /s

Propose with a twist-tie ring, go and buy the real ring together. That way you don't overspend and you get the ring she wants.

If you were borrowing a bike, you'd ask the bikes owner first. Your partner is not a bike and doesn't have an owner. Her permission is all you need.

Since you're asking the community here, I would suggest spending any money that you would spend on a ring or wedding and instead take a vacation far away and get to know your partner better. I know it sounds like I could be being sarcastic but dead serious. If you feel closer, come back home, get matching tattoos and buy sex toys.

Depends on your income. I think it's silly and usually in bad taste to pay 10k or more for a ring, but it's hard to argue that a 10k ring is a big deal if you have a networth in the millions.

Definitely don't buy a ring with a natural diamond, it's a scam. There are prettier jewels that are cheaper, and aren't drenched in blood as much.

https://www.americangemsociety.org/moissanite/#%3A%7E%3Atext=Moissanite-%2CWhat+is+moissanite%3F%2Cof+the+compound+silicon+carbide.

Depends on your goals. Are you putting something flashy on your arm candy's finger so you can show off how wealthy you are to your male competitors? Shell out. Are you trying to give her the chance to flash it around to show her female competitors she landed a whale? Shell out. Are you buying it as a symbol of your secure, mature love? Price doesn't matter. You could put a rubber O-ring on there and the point is served, but something that demonstrates you really know her is great.

As for permission, fuck the dad. They're not the one you're marrying. They don't get a say.

My wife's engagement ring was $18.

Ask her mum, that’s what I did.

Spend what you can comfortably afford.

First of all, do whatever you want and what you think your gal will want. You only get to propose to her once so make it count, whatever that means to you guys

Before you decide on what to do, I recommend you read the 5 Love Languages book. It's a good and easy read and I'd recommend it anyways. Bottom line is people express affection in certain ways and they like to receive affection in certain ways. The reason I suggest the book is because it can help you key in on whether going expensive is something that will be valued by your SO.

If receiving gifts, expensive ones, isn't one of her love languages, I'd say it's probably not worth it. But if she lights up when she's showered with expensive stuff normally then there's nothing wrong with a giant diamond, if you can afford it. It's a gift so it should be something that she will appreciate

It might be more meaningful if it's a custom ring that you have a jeweler design. Maybe an animal she loves or something else that is meaningful. This can be cheaper than a diamond center stone even if you include a variety of gems. Price scales hugely with size of the stone so you can go hog wild with smaller gems and the cost of the metals and the design/creation and not break the bank.

On the subject of asking for her hand or whatever, I think the more modern way to do the same thing is to just get with her parents before hand and let them know what your intentions are.

At the end of the day, do what you want. You can stick to traditions and get a big diamond ring and ask get Father's hand if that's what you want. People, especially here, will get out pitchforks and try to tell you why that's bad or whatever but at the end of the day traditions are traditions and if you want to do it that way it's OK. But I wouldn't do it just because it's tradition - unless that means something to you. Be deliberate in your choices whatever they are.

Good luck!

I spent like 400 on the ring. And then we spent 3k on the wedding.

Ten years in and no issues.