Ask Lemmy

Yeah, mate. When my ex left me, even my older brother asked me to not come to parties at his place because it made her uncomfortable.

She was there with my brothers' friend. She had been seeing him for a while and I was the last person to know. The whole time she had been telling anyone who found out about them that I was abusive and to keep it quiet for her protection (yet she was verbally and financially abusing me).

In the end I was shunned by almost everyone that I knew. I lost my home, my friends, most of my family and ended up in debt for years as a result.

Only my younger brother stood by me and stood up for me. Everyone else believed her. When I started dating my (now) wife, she was approached by several of my old "friends" and told that I was 'bad news' and to avoid me because I was abusive. My (now) wife told them she was "a grown woman and capable of making up her own mind, thank you very much!" We've been together 22 years, married for 17 years and have two amazing kids. In the end, though I suffered, I have come through way better off than I was then. The perspective that I have gained has made me much more aware of the value loyalty, friendship and love.

My ex married and had a kid with the brother's friend. They didn't last 5 years. She pulled the same shit with him, but nobody believed her this time. They had seen the same playbook when she cheated on me. He's still single, and she's with another ex-friend's brother, burning bridges as she goes...

Just take small steps, my friend. Start a journal. See a counselor. Get up every day and see what it brings. You never know what's around the corner. Eat right. Exercise. Just exist in the world without expectation and you'll find your place. May it be filled with joy.

Is the breakup and ending of friendships related to the rape accusations levied against you that you posted about 20 days ago?

https://lemmy.ca/comment/23387798

Burying the lede there a bit if that's the fuller context to your situation.

Edit: I'm not saying I think you're a rapist. I don't have enough information to formulate an opinion responsibly. I'm pointing out your former friends seem to have that perception, so that might contribute to you feeling like they're all staring a hole into the side of your head.

I'm going to apply a user tag and stop engaging now. Arguing with me is not where you need to spend your energy, nor I with you.

no matter ho painful (and humbling), it's a great way to filter out friends from 'people you like spending time with'. I mean, if not a single one of them was willing to ask for your point of view on the situation, what does it say about them? Most certainly that none were a friend of yours. Friends do care about one another.

Many years ago, when I quit my 'dream' job (that came with good money and some prestige attached to it), a job I was even quite good at, my spouse and I witnessed almost all our 'dear friends' ghosting us. Suddenly, I was a nobody they had no use for. So be it. People come and go.

It helps to realize real friends are very rare: I know many people, quite a few of them I may even enjoy spending time with, but I have one friend. A single one, we've been friends for the last 40+ years and we've been through a lot of hard times together (despite each of us living in a different country, and not meeting that often), never failing the other. Someone like that is rare, very much unlike those 'people one may enjoy spending time with' that will often come and go, on a whim.

Getting rid of them is an opportunity to meet new people this time not making the same mistake: don't think all the people you enjoy are friends. Most, the very large majority, will not be. And that's fine.

This is a common experience. But before you listen to the gender war bullshit about how it's just not fair to be a man, consider some of the other explanations.

I've been abandoned, and I've been the friend who chose the girl. And I've learned some important things.

1. it's the couple who forces friends to choose. most people would keep both relationships, but people going through breakups are myopic and insist.

2. I chose to be friends with the girl because she was a better friend; not because I was endorsing her grievances.

3. I can't blame my friends for choosing my ex. I would have abandoned any of them for her.

My lived experience has now taught me that 90% of people are cheaters, liars, and thieves, and while I know that's not reality, it's fundamentally changed the way I approach friendships. I don't open up to people anymore because I don't trust anyone anymore.

As you yourself said, that's not reality. What is reality is that we're all flawed and gonna fuck it up at some point. That's to be expected. What someone does afterwards is the true measure of their character. Apology and restitution are very positive signs.

Every single mutual friend has stayed friends with her and completely ghosted me.

Have you directly asked them what's going on? Just a curious "hey, I noticed we haven't talked after she cheated on me and we broke up. Are we still good or are you not talking to me anymore? No worries if not, just wanna check." or something.

She definitely slandered you in all sorts of ways, and all your friends believed her without hearing your side I'm assuming...

I'd look at it this way: you didn't lose any friends, because they weren't your friends to begin with.

My lived experience has now taught me that 90% of people are cheaters, liars, and thieves

They are. I stopped talking to most of my social circle because of this reason. Went from around 10-15 friends to 2, in less than a year, no joke.

Hey. This happened to me a few years ago. Had a great friend group of many years, started dating my best friend in the group. They raped me, then slandered me and accused me of accusing them of a bunch of stuff before I talked to anyone.

All my friends believed them.

It was fucking devastating. Honestly, I still couldn’t tell you what hurt the most out of that situation but suffice it to say losing everyone in my life at the same time really fucked me up for a number of years after.

My lived experience aligns with yours in that 98% of people are lying, cheating, selfish bastards. People are lazy, and don’t really care about what’s right but rather what’s convenient, and it’s usually more convenient to just not examine the situation and go along with the group. After all, they don’t want to lose their friends too *sigh

In the end, people will be people and believe whatever. There may be some self reflection needed from you in this situation but don’t ruminate on what they do or don’t think about you. Focus on being someone you like and are happy with.

I had the same problem socially with being tight in the local music scene, small venues, hard to make new friends because everyone is cliquey. Honestly it was super weird to read your post because it mirrored my experience post break up almost exactly (minus the rape trauma hopefully).

5 years later I have a handful of good friends and people I’ve built new meaningful friendships with. It’s hard to meet people, let alone people you really vibe with, but for me, I met them all in the oddest of places at the oddest of times. It sounds cliche, but you just have to stay open and keep going out. You don’t have to open up and be vulnerable with everyone you meet, but stay friendly, and be vulnerable with the people that reciporicate over time, and be forgiving/ give people the space and time to be human/ adults/ busy.

During your relationship did you reach out to your friends or did she? Did you chat with your friends without her? Did you make plans or did your friends or did she? Since the break-up have you reached out or attempted to make plans?

You're over thinking it. No need for the drama.

If you feel like hanging out with someone then do so, if not then dont.

Spend the time on hobbies, exercise, cultivating new relationships or reinvigorating old ones.

Depends on whether you're the good one or the bad one.

I know someone who broke up and apparently even friends that were the other persons before ended up hanging with them. Its sorta hard for people to hang with both people after a breakup but usually the friends line up with where they were before the relationship.

It shouldn't be normal. Defamation is a form of abuse. Harassment by proxy is a form of harassment. The people who do these things are abusers. I've been through that stuff and it's evil.

Sometimes they aren't even saying anything about you. Sometimes they just use the word "abuse" and don't elaborate. That's why I always ask people to elaborate. I don't believe anything if I haven't heard a story that can be disputed.

A specific lie can be picked apart. A vague lie is invincible. So I assume vague stories are lies. But most people believe vague stories. And that's what creates an abuser's paradise.

Yes, it is.

So there was a rash of divorces that happened in my extended friends circle when a bunch of the oldest kids graduated high school. My wife and I palled around with about 10 families. We had all met each other our kid’s sports. I was a coach and we got really lucky to have a great group of kids and parents. So when the kids got into high school the sports ended but the connections and freindships remained.

Anyway, three of the couples divorced when their oldest kid graduated high school and afterwards the running joke was who got who after the divorce. Ironically for your post my wife and I went to the ex husbands.

I am not sure if it was a choice more like that is just how it sorted out. We all have busy active lives. There is a limited amount of time for socialization to have to maximize that time.

Did you know the friends first, or did your partner know them first? Or did you meet them at the same time?

Normally people back their friends up even when they are the bad guy but if you were equally as much a friend they should stay neutral.

In my experience, people often to make choices based on not cool things. Sometimes it depends on the personalities of people involved and they go with who is in a bigger position of power. It can also depend on the information that they provided or have access to. For instance, if you broke up with someone who is vengeful or dishonest, they might spread a lot of lies about you. They can be very sneaky and plant the seeds of suspicion. Unfortunately, I’ve also learned that some people will just believe anything without actual evidence or even logic.

For example, one person I split up with ran a forum about 20 years ago. She immediately banned me from the forum, and then was saying a bunch of really exaggerated or just plain false things about me in a private area of the forum to a couple dozen people we had both known for years. I was blocked from there, so I didn’t even know what she was saying and I couldn’t defend myself, and these people believed all these crazy things about me. It's nuts to have people spreading really defamatory stories about you and you don't even know what they are and have no chance to defend yourself or refute them.

More recently I’ve seen stuff like someone had a live stream, and we had a handful of friends and acquaintances who would watch it. After we split up, people doing pretty weird and annoying trolling on there. She just kept saying without any evidence that it was obviously me and I’m so crazy, so nuts, so lonely, so drunk and so on. And then if I go on and I’m like what what the hell? I’m not doing this, I just get blocked and ridiculed.

So in either situation, some people around still talked to me and stayed friends, they said things like “well, we didn’t even know of what she was saying was true”, but it definitely raised a lot of serious distrust and suspicions that harmed friendships. Total smear campaign. However, people stuck with them more than me because I was cut out of contact, and they had more advatanages hanging out with that person than me - stay on the forum, stay on the stream.

So in general, it seems to me like people go to one side or the other. It’s hard to be friends with people who totally hate each other. You have to make sure you don’t mention one to the other. And also, it leads to resentment. Like if there’s this person who totally screwed me over, it irritates me that someone would still be friends with them after seeing what an awful person they can be and I feel like if they’re still friends with them, they’re not standing up for me. I don’t like people trying to dictate who I’m friends with myself, but still I think OK, so my ex lied to me cheated on me stole from me, and is still trying to harm me, and they’re just like oh, that’s cool.