Ask Lemmy

All of Mitch Hedberg's jokes.

There was some study done by some ivy league school on the components of comedy and jokes that produced "the funniest joke," which I do like.

Kyle and Clark are out hunting and get separated. Kyle sees a deer off in the distance and BOOM. It goes down.

Kyle's excitement quickly turns to horror as he draws closer and realizes he's shot Clark by mistake. Panicking, he calls 911.

"Hello, emergency."

"YOUGOTTAHELPMEWEWEREOUTHUNTINGANDISHOTHIMHE'SDEADWHATDOIDOOHMYGODOHMYGODWHATDOIDOISHOTHIMHELPMEFUCKFUCK"

"Sir! Sir. Please calm down. First things first, I need you to make sure he's actually dead."

"Okay!" BOOM "Now what?"

The Norm MacDonald moth joke.

Pretty much anything to get a groan or chuckle out of my wife.

One time while cutting up an avocado I remarked that they need better prizes, because I always get the same one- a little wooden ball.

That was of course good for a groan, but it would not be the end of it. I tend to do most of our cooking, and since our kitchen is kind of small my wife is usually in the living room while I am and can't really see what I'm doing

So now whenever I'm cutting up an avocado I let out a groan of disappointment. And since my wife is a loving, caring sort of person she always asks "what's the matter?"

To which I reply with an exasperated "Another little wooden ball"

Going on 10 years, and she falls for in any time.

--

This isn't one I think particularly much of, I wasn't even particularly trying to be funny, but my wife got quite a chuckle out of it, so it ranks. I was doing dishes, while she was again in the other room, I think on the phone with her mother.

I go to grab a spoon to clean from the rather large pile in the sink, which set off a bit of a chain reaction of dishes and pots shifting around and making a bit of a racket.

I paused for moment, and just kind of commented out loud to myself "huh, so that was a load-bearing spoon"

And apparently something about that delivery made my wife crack up.

--

Another time I was dead tired and crashed early, and was apparently not very willing to share the blankets or pillows or something when my wife came to join me.

Being more asleep than awake, I mumbled that she could pry them from my cold dead hands WHen she tried to get me to give some bedding up for her use.

Unfortunately for me, my wife is one of those people who is always somehow cold, and so she just applied her icy hands to my body, causing me to exclaim "AAH, COLD DEAD HANDS!"

--

I once showed her a picture of a snake I saw when I was out for a hike. She asked me how big it was, I told her about 2 feet

Which I also told her is 2 more than most snakes have.

--

I pointed out some geese, and asked if she knows how geese fly in a V-formation, which of course she did. Then I asked if she knew why sometimes one side of the V was longer than the other, she did not

I informed her that it's because that side has more geese.

It's a knock knock joke;but, you have to start it.

Translated:
What's the difference between a duck? Both legs are the same length, especially the left one.

The Dalai Lama goes up to a hot dog vendor and says make me one with everything.

Edit: The Dalai Lama pays for the hot dog with a $20 bill, but the vendor doesn't give him any money back. The Lama asks for his change. The vendor says change must come from within.

Why don't Mennonites have sex standing up?

Because it could lead to dancing.

(Explanation: some Mennonite sects believe that dancing is inappropriate. Sex is not considered dirty, as long as it is within a marriage.)

A guy wakes up one morning and hears a voice inside his head. It says, "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!" He shrugs it off, but pretty soon he hears it again. "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!" He keeps trying to ignore the voice, but the more he tries the more he hears it. Pretty soon he's hearing it constantly - "Quit your job! Sell your house! Take all your money and go to Las Vegas!"

Finally he can't stand it. he decides to believe the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, puts all his money in a suitcase and flies to Las Vegas. The moment he steps off the plane the voice says, "Go to Caesar's Palace!" He takes a cab to Caesar's Palace. The voice says, "Go to the roulette wheel!" He makes his way back to the roulette wheel. The voice says, "Bet it all on Red twenty-three!" He bets every cen he has on Red twenty-three.

The wheel spins around, and it stops on Black eleven. The voice says, "Fuck."

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? He was too far out, man.

Outside of a dog a book is man's best friend, inside it's too dark to read

From a disposable mouthwash cup in the 90s:

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?

He had to sit in his own pew.

What’s the difference between a four year old and a bag of cocaine?

Eric Clapton isn’t going to let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

Seriously, though, it’s really bad taste to make jokes about Clapton’s son, since he was a very prolific writer. Not many people know this, but he did nearly 50 stories before his death.

A guy finds an old lamp in the desert. He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie tells the guy he has two wishes.

The guy says, "I always thought it was three wishes."

The genie says, "Check your pants."

The guy looks down and says, "Woah, it's huge!"

Genie says, "I've been doing this for a long time."

A guy and his wife went to marriage therapy..

Therapist: Your wife says you don't pay attention to what's going on in her life and you're not romantic, for example, you never buy her flowers.

Husband: Gosh, I guess that's true. I mean.. I didn't even know she sold flowers.

Did you hear about the drummer who had twin daughters? He named them anna 1 anna 2.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn't very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?

On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.

After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."

As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moshe, "He says to me, 'You Jews have three days to leave.' So I said: 'One!'" Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews ... we stay right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine.