Stick it in the front yard with a sign that says
Free soiled mattress!
Whomever takes it is now your bff
this post was submitted on 07 Apr 2026
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Hang it on a wall as a statement piece or art with all the suspicious looking yellow stains.
--Edit--
This method has additional merit in that you don't actually even get rid of it.
Eat it.
...and we're done here
g'luck op. Remember, one bite at a time
That'll take too long. Eat it five bites at a time.
Poke a hole in it and grease it up. Put it at the end of your driveway with a sign that says "Free Fuckable Mattress, first come, first serve!"
Attach a rope to it, tie it to the back of some kind of lifted 4x4 or truck, and have a buddy drag it around through the fields while you ride on top of it.
This is a man of culture.
Tie it to the roof of your car, preferably a 25-30 year old subcompact with bald tires and head for the freeway. Make sure to use string, not rope, and don't waste money on too much string.
Enjoy the drive and the problem just goes away.
fuck I actually did this once. I didn't tie it on, but I was driving the car and suddenly there was no mattress
See. It works.
It generally helps if you tie it on
fuck it, I'm leaving it
Light it on fire while it's still in your room. No need to move anything!
Tear some holes in it, sprinkle in nuts, and leave in your backyard. Congratulations: you now have a rodent hotel!
Just stack the new mattress on top of the old one. Problem solved.
The bed just keeps getting comfier and comfier over time.
Everything is a dildo if you're brave enough.
Dildos are supposed to be reusable, you know, not just dissappear. Sounds like someone needs to have a big clear-out.
Break into a neighbor's house and put it under their mattress.
Take it to the country, find a 10-12" culvert under a driveway or access, pull a winch line through the culvert, attach it firmly to the mattress, winch until the mattress is all the way in the culvert, cut the winch line, and you're done.
Optional: call one of those YouTube drain clearing guys.
You’ve given this a suspiciously impressive amount of thought.
I plead the 5th.
And I'll be disappointed if you don't do it.
Use it as a surfboard.
Fire cleanses all.
I was at a party once where they burned a mattress, actually it wasn't really a party, just a meth heads house at night time. So you could do that.
Actually it wasn't really night time either, was it?
If you burn all the fabric off and tie the springs behind yer truck and drag it down a gravel road it'll level it out pretty neat.
Sorry, this is the correct answer.
Rip it to shreds, stir fry it and feed it to the homeless.
bonfire time
This reminds me when I was a grad student at CU Boulder, one of the frat houses decided to get rid of an old couch by dragging it out into the street and setting on fire. Became a running joke in town for years afterward.
Throwing it into the power lines?
Throw it in front of your house and leave it there. When asked by your neighbors, say "it showed up there yesterday"
Solving puzzle boxes
Put it in a room with my cat for 30 minutes
Fold it length way, rope around each end. Open the middle stick a bit of wood in it......and canoe. Bonus old pillows on a stick for a paddle
infect it with bedbugs, then leave it on the street with a free sign.
Shred it to bits and smoke it through a bong on public transit
Nativity scene, where all of the characters are Barbie’s. Preferably the life sized ones. Dressed in furry costumes. Some of which should be missing limbs, heads, etc. Apply makeup liberally. Use the remaining lipstick to write “a rum pum pum pum” in big bold letters on the front side of the mattress. Place your creation out sometime mid-March for greatest effect.
If you do it just right, they take you to a place where you will get a new mattress, and where the walls are mattresses too.
The West Virginia method: take it outside, lean it against your trailer, and forget about it.
Burn it. Burn it all down.
Burn . It.
🔥 🔥 🔥
Cut a hole in it and fuck it. Keep doing that with new holes until it with falls apart or rots from the inside out.
That's fine for foam mattresses, but the inner spring type give me lacerations.
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Donate it to your local indoor climbing wall
Curb stomp training pad
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