Microblog Memes

????

I don't understand what you're trying to say?

I was just saying even when it's mutual women get more interest than men.

Correction: Every hour if she wanted

Getting loads of matches isn't necessarily a boon. I've had quite a few times where it turns out that a person I've matched with actually doesn't find me attractive at all, but they were just liking profiles en masse to maximise their chance of getting likes.

Although, I prefer the people who are honest about the fact they consider me ugly than the ones who consider me unattractive but go on a date with me anyway, because I'm better than nothing. I once even ended up finding out that a dude was 0% attracted to me after we had been on a few dates and I had ended up at his place; he was unable to maintain an erection, and this led to him confessing that he wasn't physically into me at all, but that I was the best option available.

I'm far from conventionally attractive, but I also know that I'm not the repugnant ogre that these instances made me feel like. It's exhausting to do online dating because even the excessive number of likes just ends up being a source of stress: "is this person actually into me, or am I functionally a fleshlight to them?"

It's especially frustrating because dudes who are like this are also making it worse for other men on the app who actually want to meet someone. It puts women more on guard, and makes us feel overwhelmed, which makes it less likely that we'll have the emotional or mental energy spare to message back someone who'll end up being genuine

To me it seems the only way opening up after works, is if "after" is "after they've become empty nesters." Because a lot of the people with functioning open relationships seem to be 50+.

This has been my experience as well. The default mode of monogamous relationships has a lot of bad habits and anti-patterns, too.

There was a good blog post I read a while ago I can't find now (it was a title like "the missing step", but most blog posts with that title are about toxic people in communities that are ignored like a missing step on a staircase you avoid without fixing). It essentially argued that when people are monogamous, they tend to slide towards a sort of all-access codependence, where you just kind of assume your partner is there all for you the time. When such a couple tries to open up, and your partner suddenly has plans without you, people don't know what to do. You always used to just do stuff together, and now your partner is out somewhere with Alex? Fuck Alex! Who do they think they are??

It's pretty bad, but happens frequently.

The post's advice was to make plans with your current partner, before you "open up". Even if you never open up. Make plans together, but also explicitly and intentionally keep time for yourself. Even if you don't actually do anything, take a day a week that's just yours to do what you want. Go out of the house. You don't have to tell them any details. Maybe you'll go for a hike. Maybe you'll go bowling. Doesn't matter. It's your time. Personal. Private.

Once you both get used to that, where the other person is just off doing stuff without you sometimes, it's much easier to slot "they went on a date" into that space.

Yeah, that scans with my own experience. I've known plenty of poly dudes who aren't necessarily "conventionally attractive" (ugh, I hate that phrase) who have multiple partners and/or lots of casual sex. All of them are pretty charismatic and sensitive, and that's a big deal even if we're just looking at sexual relationships.

Recently I've been trying out online dating, and something that has been super striking to me is the number of guys who end up being terrible in bed because they go into things with a sort of guidebook, treating "good at sex" as being some kind of objective trait, and measuring their self worth by whether or not I orgasm. That's one "archetype" I've stumbled across a bunch, but the other is much more like the kind of guy who successfully does polyamory, regardless of their physical appearance. Their "strategy" involves actually listening and being open to learning what makes me in particular tick. You used the word "vulnerable" in your comment, and that's exactly it — in my view, that's an essential quality, even in more casual relationships. You've got to be comfortable in your own skin.

And for some people, going to the gym does help with that. I know that I felt a lot more confident when I was more of a beefcake. But it's certainly not the only way to do it

I wanna play video games while My spouse gets plowed! My fiance has a much higher sex drive than Me. I like sex sometimes, but most of the time I'd rather play Hades 2.