this post was submitted on 21 Mar 2026
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"years of pleading" for an open relationship is kind of a flag. Maybe not a red one, but certainly a warning of some sort.
Also, not to repeat myself, but I think a lot of guys are kind of bad at dating and dating apps. There's a lot of self sabotage and then blaming external forces. A message of "hey" isn't going to win any prizes, and yet that's all some people can muster.
While I don't disagree, many of the women I've seen on dating apps have about as much personality as a cardboard box, yet still get tons of matches. It's just annoying having to be super funny and interesting and etc to get any attention at all, compared to the other person actually just existing and saying "hey."
Getting loads of matches isn't necessarily a boon. I've had quite a few times where it turns out that a person I've matched with actually doesn't find me attractive at all, but they were just liking profiles en masse to maximise their chance of getting likes.
Although, I prefer the people who are honest about the fact they consider me ugly than the ones who consider me unattractive but go on a date with me anyway, because I'm better than nothing. I once even ended up finding out that a dude was 0% attracted to me after we had been on a few dates and I had ended up at his place; he was unable to maintain an erection, and this led to him confessing that he wasn't physically into me at all, but that I was the best option available.
I'm far from conventionally attractive, but I also know that I'm not the repugnant ogre that these instances made me feel like. It's exhausting to do online dating because even the excessive number of likes just ends up being a source of stress: "is this person actually into me, or am I functionally a fleshlight to them?"
It's especially frustrating because dudes who are like this are also making it worse for other men on the app who actually want to meet someone. It puts women more on guard, and makes us feel overwhelmed, which makes it less likely that we'll have the emotional or mental energy spare to message back someone who'll end up being genuine
Yep 100%, I didn't mean to make it seem like the other side is better, I think online dating is pretty terrible for everyone. I'll think a long time about if I want to match with someone but I've heard many people say "just spam like and then you can decide on the couple matches you actually get." I don't go on because I don't want to see the cardboard personalities, and actually cool women don't go on for the exact reasons you said.
Hopefully in person hangout spaces become a thing again, since that's so much better than online.
Don't worry, I didn't get the sense that you were saying it in "we have it worse" kind of way. I was just giving some additional perspective from my side of the aisle — because solidarity is always good when facing something a bit grim
I don't think it's necessary to have to put too much thought into clicking "like" on people when online dating; The landscape pretty much requires casting a wide net, regardless of gender. Some people go way overboard on that though — they treat people like they're pieces of meat at the market, and then they mope about how lonely they are.
I have met good people on these apps, but man, it sure does take a lot of effort to get past the initial "vibe checking" stages (which can include the first in person date or so). Fortunately my profile is weird as hell, and whilst that doesn't put off the creeps, it does draw in the people who are like "damn, this chick is weird...I bet we'd get on!"
True on all counts. Unfortunately, there's little to be done to change those things. Putting in the effort to be funny and interesting will have better outcomes than focusing on how it's not fair you have to do more work. This might be one of the few scenarios where men are mildly disadvantaged
I mean I would still rather not be the woman in that situation since you don't know who actually cares about you. Just that it's pretty unfortunate that we still do the basic evolution thing of "males compete for a female's interest!" I don't really want to play that game, and irl I didn't feel I needed to nearly as much.
Having to plead with your partner for years about something you consider to be quite important to the relationship (like opening it to other people) is weird in general.
If you're having to harangue them like that, it seems like a sign that the two of you might not be compatible with each other.
Idk i think asking to open up the relationship is always a mistake, you should just break up instead. Open relationships work but they have to be that way from the outset. At least ive seen about a dozen relationships open up and every single one ended badly. I know three successful open couples and they were all like that from the beginning.
To me it seems the only way opening up after works, is if "after" is "after they've become empty nesters." Because a lot of the people with functioning open relationships seem to be 50+.
This has been my experience as well. The default mode of monogamous relationships has a lot of bad habits and anti-patterns, too.
There was a good blog post I read a while ago I can't find now (it was a title like "the missing step", but most blog posts with that title are about toxic people in communities that are ignored like a missing step on a staircase you avoid without fixing). It essentially argued that when people are monogamous, they tend to slide towards a sort of all-access codependence, where you just kind of assume your partner is there all for you the time. When such a couple tries to open up, and your partner suddenly has plans without you, people don't know what to do. You always used to just do stuff together, and now your partner is out somewhere with Alex? Fuck Alex! Who do they think they are??
It's pretty bad, but happens frequently.
The post's advice was to make plans with your current partner, before you "open up". Even if you never open up. Make plans together, but also explicitly and intentionally keep time for yourself. Even if you don't actually do anything, take a day a week that's just yours to do what you want. Go out of the house. You don't have to tell them any details. Maybe you'll go for a hike. Maybe you'll go bowling. Doesn't matter. It's your time. Personal. Private.
Once you both get used to that, where the other person is just off doing stuff without you sometimes, it's much easier to slot "they went on a date" into that space.
Yeah and that's healthy for permanent monogamous relationships too. It's just hard i think everyone gets cheated on st some point in your teens or twenties so people develop fear of partner having free time, but yeah eventually in like 30s plus relationships you get more security like we're not all put there trying to dsicover our sexuality anymore
Yea, I understand hey it's not a way to start, yet women are waiting for something smart and interesting in the first couple messages, otherwise they will ghost and go for someone else. With a friend you can say "hey", but with a woman on a dating site you should go "Was your father thief ? cause you stole my heart!" and then go showcase your reach hobbies.\ I might be wrong, but do tell me.
A message comes after matches.
That depends on the app. On hinge, you can (and should) send a message with your like.
On tinder and close relatives, you can only work on your profile.
Bumble matches you, but only women can send first! So even if you match, you can't chat lol.
Hasn't this changed ages ago? IIRC they lost the one thing that made them unique.
True. I had a very poor experience on bumble, where I didn't get many interactions. Not being able to message first I think takes away one of my few advantages.