they don't have to wipe
this post was submitted on 07 Mar 2026
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They don't have doom to scroll
I mean, you don’t HAVE to wipe!
Not if you do a deep enough squat!
Why wipe? Shitting yourself is the new path to power in 2026.
The President does it, after all
They can also just take a dump where ever they stand
I tend to wait till i can get to a restroom
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I need more fiber in my diet :\
Be careful with that shit, it's powerful magic.
Nah, go hog wild on it. Eat an entire box of high fiber cereal and then go do naked jumping jacks.
Two to four words: sugarfree gummibears
There was a very unholy good review website about 15 years ago. The author had a lengthy and vivid description of their experiences after eating way too many of these. It was so disturbing, I never actually ate sugarfree gummies myself
Fiber regulates, sugar free... lets things free.
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Boss makes a dollar,
I make a dime.
12 seconds to shit?
Not near enough time.
Either you learn how to shit in 12 seconds, or AI will take shitting away from you. Sorry, that analology got away from me at the end.
I wonder if they’ll try to get away with bathroom cameras using AI because it’s not a person watching you
Don't you dare tell my boss that. Don't take my time away from me!!
I make a nickel Boss makes a dime I go poo poo On the company’s time
Given my numbers, the median must be like 0.12 seconds. If your legs aren't asleep by the time you finish, did you even poop?
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I always told my teachers that I'm way above average but they never believed me....
VINDICATION!!
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Tonight's news, Amazon limit on bathroom break for 12 seconds based on this study.
Tell that to the dog named Oliver who lives with me...I swear that guy will take like 5 to 7 minutes some days...sheesh
TIL I am an extreme outlier.
Is it longer if there is a dog staring at them the whole time?
Tell that to Ron from Accounting
My name is Constipation Georg and I live in a cave and take 12 hours to poop per day and I am an outlier and should not be counted in the averaged data
My name is Low Sleep Stress Coffee Cream Cheese Shit Hubert, and I live in a cave, and take 12 seconds to poop and 11 hours 59 minutes 48 seconds to wipe per working day and I am an outlier and should not be counted in the averaged data.
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When everything is working as it should, it doesn't take me much longer. That's a rare day, though.
Today I learned that I am well above average.
I can do half by having dragon fruit last night. I swear that thing is an artifect of poop god.
It does have a lot of fiber but you also might be allergic to it.
https://open.substack.com/pub/naturespharmacy/p/does-yellow-dragon-fruit-cause-diarrhea
12 seconds? I struggle to finish in 12 minutes.
Damn IBS.
TIL I’m an average mammal.
Im jealous
12 seconds to poop, sure, if you don't count all the time for bathroom clean up, a shower, laundry, etc...
I'm afraid to ask, but just how the fuck do you poop exactly? Do you helicopter poop it hippo style in the middle of the bathroom?
Thank you for giving me the giggles.
You'll save a lot of laundry time if you pull your pants down before pooping.
I'm pretty high above average then. 😤
i'm just putting this out there, if you take too long to poop the toilet alligator gonna eat you
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I feel sorry for the person(s) that had to watch in order to know this.
There are worse jobs in the world than watching wildlife poop
Scientists get to choose what they study.
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Taco Bell: Hold my taco...
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