You're allowed to have sex before marriage if your fellow Jehova's Witnesses jump up and down on the bed and your genitals accidentally fit together.
this post was submitted on 04 Mar 2026
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Jehova’s Witnesses
thought this was mormons...?
Settle down Kurp
Just soaking it all in
You uh got any links?
What about a friendly prostate exam among friends?
all clear, bible never said you can't finger blast the homies a little
I was raised catholic, and all i can say is how often I heard the priests say: "let us prey."
It's only sex before marriage if you get married.
Just never get married, problem solved
Or get married to jesus and then you've been married. Adultery is only a sin in the old testament along with eating pork.
Or wait until some other people get married on your behalf
So that's why they call it an analogy
Since "all dogs go to heaven" isn't mentioned in the bible but is generally accepted christian doctrine, it's technically dogma, which is way funnier.
all dogma go to heaven?
i do knot see a problem with this logic
https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?list=RDj8ZF_R_j0OY
Can't believe I'm the one posting the video.
Lazy so-and-sos.
Seriously! I thought I was going to have to link it.
The Bible is bullshit, heaven doesn't exist, God is an imaginary friend who is sadistic AF.
Guess I'm going to heaven 😎
Not because of this post, but because no sex
Me too, but because I'm a bitch.
I assume you aren’t married, so you can’t rule out the possibility just yet.
All puppy girls go to heaven
What's a puppy girl?
>:3
This tracks about as much as soaking/jump humping or "sabbath mode", so fucken go for it.
Soaking is the craziest loophole I’ve ever heard of. I still refuse to believe it’s real.
What i love about the jump-humping thing is I've heard it involves a third party to move the bed for you, making it just the weirdest threesome.
I dated a few Christian girls, and just let me say, they can be pretty freaky.
You can't go to hell or heaven, because they don't exist.
That being said anal sex is still best sex.
🎶 Fuck me in the ass 'cause I love Jesus 🎶
Needs to be updated for the 2022 Supreme Court decision...
The torture and brimstone is more a thing to keep the boring people out of the eternal orgy in hell.
It's also straight up biblical fan fiction.
first of all, right?
Christianity was at it's height when it was a syncretistic antiestablishment death cult. If I ever get a time machine Athasnasius of Alexandria is above Hitler on my hitlist. It's not even because I have beef with the number three shit even the taoists like the number 3. but using the number 3 as a way to intentionally create divisions so that they can become opposing sides in over a millennia of wars is unconsciensable.
The internet really has a talent for turning wordplay into “logic” like this. Not exactly theology, but definitely creative humor.
it's a joke
It's the
✨Poop hole loophole✨
Haha, loop-hole, get'm?
I mean, I've known a considerable number of Christian girls/women who have argued that if you just take it up the ass, you're still a virgin, so it's just anal untill marriage, and thus you're a virgin when you walk down the aisle, so its all good.
90s/00s purity culture logic.
Like, this was so pervasive at my high school that I once knew a guy who was ... as we would say these days, gonna shoot his shot.
Planned lines:
Guy: Did it hurt?
Gal: Did what hurt?
Guy: When you fell from heaven?
Problem was that Guy was totally unaware that there was a rumor going around that Gal had actually just been butt-boinked by her platonic male friend.
... So, after the opening line, she just slapped him in the face, began crying, and ran off... presuming he was referencing the rumor.
Guy had no idea wtf had just happened.
Ah. The classic he said, she heard: "You were going to heaven until you took a cock in your ass"
... Basically yes.
... ... you might say the entire situation was quite the cock-up.
Lol
Jokes on you, I’m already in heaven when I fuck my unmarried dog’s sweet sweet puppy pussy.
Who upvoted this?
Username…checks, uh, out?
Oh my gosh...
What if sex is gay, and gay marriage is not legal in this country, does it count as sin?