Ask Lemmy

1. It is ok to have best friends of either genders.
2. What your boyfriend is describing is very common. Cheating is very common.

I have beautiful and nice female coworkers, my wife have beautiful and nice male clients. We both spend a lot of time with those people. The possibility of getting in love is high. That is we talk about some facts:

1. People do fall in love. Even people in happy relationships fall in love with other people. This is common. (Early stages of falling in love happened to me and to my wife before)
2. Relationships have its ups and downs.
3. The more time you spend with someone (friends, coworkers, neighbors,...) the more likely is to develop feelings for that person. Those feelings might be temporary. Those feeling can only happen in one of the friends.

So it is not hard to see how having a low point in a relationship might lead to growing romantic feelings to our close friends.

My parents were best friends. While neither were in a relationship at the time, my father developed feelings for my mom. Just recently my mom got aware that my father has been hiding his feeling for a year before he made a move. He did not want to destroy the relationship they had. He waited until he was sure the feeling became mutual.

This story describes nothing wrong. Just a way how people grow together and how beautiful relationships are often born.

Because of this reality me and my wife developed few rules:

1. We do not discuss unsolved relationship issues with anyone but ourselves.
2. We spend a lot of time working on our relationship.
3. If we start developing feelings for someone we talk about it. This stops the enchantment and some feelings are already gone. We decide on a strategy for those feelings to not grow further. Usually temporary mental distancing from that person is enough. And certainly we do not share those feelings with a person in question.

Openness, transparency and also having a strategy helps us maintain relationship with no jealousy and total trust.

No, it's not bad. You have a best friend and that's great. Assuming there's nothing amorous going on between you, the fact that they are the opposite gender as you shouldn't matter.

Just be careful to invest time in your relationship with your boyfriend as well. Remember that they are also your friend and even if they trust you they may tire of the situation if they perceive they are being neglected. Just saying this because I have seen relationships fall apart because of similar situations.

Nothing wrong. Why would it be? sounds like your boyfriend is joking, but I would advise to keep a tab on that. Someone trying to undermine your already existing friendships is usually a big red flag.

Nope, I have lots of friends who have best friends of both genders outside of their partners. If anything, it's good to have these relationships since you're not putting everything (and all of your needs) just on your partner. It's good to be able to spread our relationships and needs around a bit. If anything, if you're boyfriend was insecure about it, then that'd be an insecurity on his side. It's healthy to have friendships. It's not like you two are flirting or getting any romantic or sexual energy from each other (it isn't always from sex). I give two thumbs up for friends!

I disagree with the other commenter. Your male friend is irrelevant, it comes down to trust, does your boyfriend trust you. I don't like the opinion of the commenter of "Just dump him", that's a very throwaway concept. (Something isn't perfect? Throw it out of your life. I don't like that line of thinking)

I think you should communicate with your boyfriend, ask him why he feels that way, and ask why he feels like he can't trust you. It's a dialogue you two need to have. It won't be a fun one, but if you both want the relationship to work you'll come out stronger. You then give him time to learn and adjust to it. Of course if he refused to learn or adjust, and it doesn't work, then it becomes a more serious decision.

My anecdote, I was your boyfriend for a long time. My SO, now spouse, was hanging out with someone who was clearly interested. To make it worse, I had been cheated on before so it was a massive trigger for me, and I was immediately paranoid (cheating really fucks with your trust). I grew jealous and it became very unhealthy. If my SO took the other commenter's advice, we wouldn't have the life we have now. Thank god they didn't, and instead talked to me, and gave me the ability to learn and grow. I learned to trust her, and worked on myself, and now 15 years later we're both very happy and have built a life together.

No.

Guys, correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think y'all are really trying to sleep with all your friends, right? You do have friends who are like sisters not people you can see as partners?

I don't have a best friend who isn't my husband but am friends with straight men who aren't my husband. My old boss comes over sometimes, we hang out, we are absolutely not into each other in 'that way'. The brother of my ex, same. Just good friends.

Also, if you've already established that your boyfriend doesn't care, why are you asking? If it's his belief that all guys are absolutely indiscriminate and would always try with any of their friends, maybe ask him if that's how he feels about all his friends who are women?

Having friends of a different gender is totally fine. I'm a 36 year old woman and I'm with my spouse for about 7 years now. My best friend is a guy I know from uni. His gender wasn't even a topic to begin with.

But

he still says that my best friend is just “waiting for his turn with me.”

Makes me icky. Does your boyfriend really think this is the only reason a guy (or anyone) could want your friendship?

It is not bad. It might be a problem if your boyfriend is insecure about it, but then it is a he-problem he should work on.

It's always great to have good friends, regardless of details like gender. The more love in the world, the better. If you and your best friend have known each other since age 12, it sounds like he's had plenty of time to tell you if he has romantic feelings for you. If he hasn't, it sounds to me like he's happy with the kind of relationship you have now.

Not bad at all. You know there’s nothing more going on.

It's actually the opposite, it's the fastest way to find out if the relationship your building is strong and secure or if your partner is insecure and its foundation is rickety.

The whole "You can't have guy friends because they're just trying to sleep with you" is a sexist trope anyways

People have different boundaries and beliefs than you do.

That's fine.

Not everyone is the same or should be. If you are happy doing you than do you. Don't worry about what other people are doing. They are not you.

Insecurities cause bad interpretations.

Waiting for turn: could be true, could be false. Neither would surprise me.

There is no universally correct answer if it's wrong or not. By the sound of it it's fine in your case.

I'm pansexual with friends of all genders. I would be delighted if they were all attracted to me, too.

At the same time I'd be pretty pissed off if anyone tried to reduce my close friendships to someone "just waiting their turn" like I'm a damn ride at a faire.

This sounds like there is a total of 3 people involved, and 3 of them are ok with the situation. I don't see how this could be bad, unless you worry about Jesus' consent

Of course things can always go bad, but I would really doubt that breaking up with any of them preemptively will make things better when bs inevitably happens

There's nothing wrong with it, but you may run into issues with jealous partners. IMO, it's good to find that out early so you can dump them. Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend is a bit jealous or close-minded himself, but it sounds like he isn't causing issues, which is good. If you were to hang out one-on-one with your best friend, would your boyfriend mind?

The problem is there's not going to be one universal answer and that's what a lot of people are trying to give.

No one here has enough information to truly give feedback. No one here knows you, no one here knows your boyfriend, and no one here knows your male friend.

Everyone here, and everyone anywhere else, is giving advice based on their own personal anecdotes or fiction.

The problem that you will face is navigating all of this until all players' faces/intentions are revealed. And that includes your own.

I think I personally seen every possible combination this could play out. I don't think there's any statistic I could give you, I don't think there's any advice I could give you. Because until everyone plays their cards, you really just don't know. What little advice I can give, don't try to figure out everyone else's hand and play your own how you want it to play out. If you want your boyfriend your boyfriend and your male friend to be just a friend, play towards that, make sure those boundaries are very distinct. Be truthful to yourself, and be truthful to others.

All sounds completely harmless. Having friends who understand you is important.

The only person it may be bad for is your friend. If they are imagining that something may happen in the future, they may be denying themselves romantic connections with others. This could lead to pent up frustration.

Are they having healthy relationships and partners elsewhere?

I'm going to be that person, and disagree with the common opinion here. Of course, my take is my own and will be different than others, so take everything below with the finest grain of salt.

I think it's perfectly fine to have friends of the opposite gender. And by opposite gender, I mean the gender you're attracted to. However, I do think it's an issue to have a best friend of the opposite gender. A best friend is the person you confide in, you can lean on when everything else is rough, who will be there no matter what. If that person is the opposite gender, and isn't your SO, then it's an affair; not necessarily a physical affair, but an emotional one at the very least.

The "waiting his turn" comment sounds like a little bit of immaturity mixed with jealousy. I don't mean immaturity as a negative; more like someone who has room to grow. Based on that comment though, it sounds like they aren't comfortable with the situation, even if they say they are.

I'm not saying you should break up. I'm not saying your SO thinks the same way I do. People are nuanced and I only have the very limited information you gave. Based purly on that, it sounds like your SO's thoughts lean the way mine do.

What it comes down to is what you and your SO think. If you're not on the same wavelength, then there will always be a wedge between you two. You can still make a relationship work, it's just going to be harder. On the flip side, if you're both, deep down, truly fine with it, then there is nothing to worry about, and you should go live your best lives.

Whatever happens, this random internet stranger wishes you both the best.

My thoughts are that if the conditions allow it, at one's (everyone) worst, you will entertain the idea.

Emotions aren't logical. They won't care what you right now is certain to never do. The future remains uncertain because circumstances always change.

For example, a possibility is that you and your partner will argue about something in your life together. Unable to come to terms right away, you will seek support, and what better than your best friend? However in seeking him to back you up, you would only manage to increase suspicions during an already unstable state of affairs.
Logic will be absent and emotions will only see evidence of what they want to see. In such a situation, collapse is the easiest and fastest escape.

Another example. Let's say you suddenly offer to go visit in India. This would send your friend in a state of uncertainty and confusion. "Why? Maybe she likes me and wants to make sure. Nah, can't be. But what if? I don't like her that way. Or do I? Nah. But what if I do? I don't know."

Regardless of reason, a change in status quo forces an introspection. Just like you're asking here because you're not sure of how to proceed, just like your boyfriend because he's not sure about your guy friend and just like your guy friend when their own circumstances change.

Relationships aren't fixed and no one can say for sure what will definitely happen at one point or another. Because it's ultimately up to the people involved themselves to decide who they are and how they act.

So to answer the title, it's not bad in itself, but the people can make it bad through our actions.

All of the above and more. It's fine to have any friends of any gender. Some guys just wait for their turn. Some boyfriends are jealous.

Personally I would let them interact with each other and observe from a distance.

Honestly, make sure you show your boyfriend your lemmy posts lusting after him if you haven't; he'll be on top of the world and feel very secure!

He's not wrong though, your friend might have unrealistic ideas about how things could go in the future...you're the best person to judge that! If you think there's something there then you'd better talk about it sooner than later! I do think that's a special thing worth thinking about in this situation that makes it a little different from a different friendship.

Is there a reason your BF is not your best friend now?

Do you meet each other's expectations?

What is your best friend offering you that your boyfriend is not. You may want to start there when thinking about where this relationship is going.

My boyfriend [...] says that my best friend is just “waiting for his turn with me.”

What if he's right?

My boyfriend doesn’t care about it, but he still says that my best friend is just “waiting for his turn with me.”

'Wrong' or 'not wrong' that is 'moral' and I don't think moral means much in a couple (edit: moral is a church thing, or maybe a tribunal one). Moral also puts you at risk of seeing yourself in the eyes of your partner (or them seeing themselves in your eyes) as 'the bad guy', or worse, which certainly will not help solve any doubt or issue you might have. Last, moral can prevent you you from asking yourself the right (and somewhat very simple) question that can help you feel better regarding that 'issue': is it something you're fine with? You both, I mean. To make it clear:

1. Would you/Do you care if your boyfriend has a girl best friend with whom he likes to spend as much time as possible, and share everything, even the most personal?
2. If that girl best friend existed, would you think she too is waiting for her turn to be with him?

Honestly answering those two questions can help you have a better understanding of what your partner may feel.

Since you wanted to know our personal opinions on the question of (other gender) friendship, here are my 2 cents... in two points:

• My spouse and I are certainly not teenagers anymore as we're both nearing our 60s. We have also been together for close to 30 years and counting. We still meet people of various genders and we both have friends the other is not that happy with. without any issue.
  Because we also quickly realized being in a couple should not mean doing everything together, spending all our time together, having the same ideas, desires, and so on. Contrary to what Plato told us, we're not one my spouse and I. We're two different persons that enjoy being together while having many opposing views and tastes. It's just that we value our relationship enough to always be more willing to make things work between us even when it's not easy, than to just part ways each time we don't agree on something ;)
• Sincere friendship is rare and precious. It is at least as rare and precious as sincere love. And it certainly is a lot more important than sex, even when it's great.

Are you a man or a woman?

If you were single, and you said to best friend "Hey im totally into you and want to get together" would he say "no no no, I think of you like a sister"?

Pretty safe to say the answer is no.

That being the case, is what you have really a friendship, or something else?

Ehhhhh it can go both ways, but typically I would be a little uneasy if my girlfriend/wife had a straight male best friend. I would say there's an 80% chance the friend would date/sleep with you if you said yes, 20% chance it's truly just platonic.

I think if you weren't in a relationship it's a no brainer that male best friends are fine, as long as you know there's a better chance than not that if you ever gave them the go-ahead they would take that in a second.