Ask Lemmy

Another one I've gotten a lot of good mileage out of

I once joked to my wife that avocados need to get better prizes because I always seem to get the same one- a little wooden ball.

Now, anytime I'm in the kitchen preparing something with avocados, I'll let out an audible groan of frustration.

Which always prompts my wife to ask, usually from the other room "What's wrong?"

To which I always reply "Another wooden ball"

Always good for a groan and some eye rolls from the wife.

Two men walk into a bar.

The third man ducked.

this one doesn't work quite as well without speaking. but

"how do you think the unthinkable?"

"with an itheberg." (iceberg with a lisp)

Why did the short-sighted man fall in the well?

He couldn't see that well.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

So you know how geese fly in that V-formation to reduce air resistance?

You know how sometimes the one arm of the "V" is longer than the other?

You know why that is?

Best told while you're just out shooting the shit walking around outside when you can point out some geese acting like you're just pointing out another fun nature fact.

Why do the french never have 2 eggs for breakfast?

Because 1 egg's un oeuf.

What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

What do you call a fly ~~with legs~~ without wings? A walk.

Two men are lost in the desert weak from thirst and starvation. One of them spots something and says Hey man, there is a bacon tree over there! The second man says "no such a thing as a bacon tree, that's just a mirage", but the first is already running toward the tree. Just then, a hidden soldier under the tree shoots the first man with a machine gun. As he lay dying, he shouts to warn his friend: "it's not a bacon tree, it's a ham bush".

Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other "damn, it's hot in here." The other says "AHHH A TALKING MUFFIN!??"

Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was< unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close down, but they would not. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They would not. So, the rival florist hired Hugh McTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close their business. Terrified, they did so - thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

"Do you know why that side is longer? "( Pointing at V formation of seagals flying over)

... "There's more birds on that side"

It's so fucking dumb and all about timing

A blonde walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.

So the barman gave it to her.

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come upon a set of tracks. The first blonde says, "oh look, deer tracks". The second one says, "no, those a bear tracks". The third one says, "you're both wrong, those are moose tracks!" Then they get hit by a train.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

What is white and interrupts your breakfast? An Avalanche

Why do Native American hate snow? Because it’s white and on their land.

Why are pirates pirates?

Because they arrrrr!

Works better when spoken but just say this in your head really fast

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.

"Not the sharpest bulb in the tree"

The Tactical Velcro Opening Secret

It works really well sitting around a campfire with kids.

What's red and hurts?

A brick.

What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?

Bearded guy, so: "[insert any small talk compliment about my beard here]" "Thanks, it's been growing on me."

It's amazing how many people like Trump and his entourage. After all, they're fucking immature assholes.

"A man walks into a bar.

It hurt."

https://natethesnake.com/

When someone points out one thing came before another to support an argument simply respond very confidently "only chronologically!"

"I'm hungry."

"Hi hungry, I'm dad"

I do it almost every time and my daughter hates it.

Bob and Doug are building a fence. Bob is throwing about half the nails into a garbage can. After seeing this going on for a while, Doug asks "Why are you throwing nail in the trash?" Bob says "The heads are on the wrong end" Doug can't believe what he just heard and says "You dummy,, use those nails on the other side of the fence!"

I'm still fond of the classic "Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven ate nine!"
Those kids going on about 6-7 like it's some kind of power couple don't know what they're doing to poor 6.