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Exposure therapy for shyness (lemmy.world)

submitted 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago) by reabsorbthelight@lemmy.world to c/parenting@lemmy.world

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My 5.5yo daughter is very shy, so I've been pushing her into hobbies to help managing her shyness. I've talked about how being shy is fine, but it's something to work on, otherwise she'll have a really hard time making friends. I'm shy and told her about that.

I took her to a gymnastics class (we do gymnastics together at open gym), but she refused to join the class. I said if she does one activity (even just a game at the end), I'll get her ice cream. We spent the time sitting on the side.

She didn't do it, so I figure no ice cream then. She's pretty mad. I'm not mad with her, but just of the opinion that we had a deal, and if she wants the reward, she needs to earn it.

Too harsh? Too soft? Alternatives?

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[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 3 points 17 hours ago

You don't cure shy. You can't.

Only thing you can do is offer support and give them the freedom to explore with the safety that good support can bring.

She's not going to have trouble making friends. She'll be selective about who she considers a friend. That's not a bad thing. We all have to surround ourselves with people that match us and/or balance us.

That balance is what you encourage. Finding her own path to friends she, she feels connected to and safe with. Once she finds them in her own way, in her own time, you provide the opportunities for them to spend time together so that those friendships grow and develop.

Being slow to warm up, being shy, it's not a bad thing. It's just one way of experiencing life.

[–] geekwithsoul@piefed.social 11 points 1 day ago (2 children)

It sounds like you're trying to "make" her not shy instead of talking to her about what she's feeling and giving her coping mechanisms to deal with that. Exposure therapy type approaches don't really work for something like that. She'll be less shy when she's more comfortable, so I'd suggest working it from that angle instead.

[–] forrgott@lemmy.zip 3 points 1 day ago

I second this. Only thing I would add is to emphasize the importance of giving your child at least some agency in confronting their own internal issues. I have no desire to teach my children what to think; rather, my hope is to help them learn to think for themselves. I think that idea is related to the issue you're attempting to address.

[–] reabsorbthelight@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

She's scared kids will be mean to her. None of the hobbies are things she's scared of. She loves doing them with me and neighbor friends.

What coping mechanisms would you suggest in this case?

[–] geekwithsoul@piefed.social 2 points 22 hours ago (1 children)

Is that something she's directly told you or your guess as to her motivations? As someone who in adulthood discovered they were neurodivergent, I grew up thinking I was "shy" because that's what everyone told me. Turns out it was autism with ADHD. My point is just because someone is behaving like they're shy, doesn't mean there isn't something else going on.

As for coping mechanisms, school will be a challenge for her soon, right? Might be helpful to factor that into whatever you ask of her - if she's already stressed/tired from dealing with social situations in school, extra activities may be too much. Also, if she has friends who she does these activities with outside of class, maybe invite one of them to the class with her so she has the anchor of someone she knows?

But most importantly, don't try and shape her into who you think she should be. She may be shy her whole life and that's fine. Everyone doesn't need to be an extrovert.

[–] reabsorbthelight@lemmy.world 1 points 20 hours ago

Yeah, she's told me in pretty much every occasion that she's scared the kids or teacher will be mean, but after a couple classes she's fine. Similar with play dates. She's not stressed by social situations at all (other than new ones), in fact, she craves friends a lot and often tells me that she wants to play with other kids. I'm school and neighborhood, she's often the leader and organizes the games for kids.

I'm not trying to make her extroverted to be clear, but I'd actually say she's more extroverted than me. Shyness isn't introversion. In fact, my push for a hobby is to effectively get her more friends to balance playdates that she wants.

[–] HisArmsOpen@crust.piefed.social 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

May be a bit of a challenge for a 5-6yrs old child to successfully do this first time, or maybe even 2nd, 3rd, 4th time.
Is there a smaller first step that might be an more palatable first bite for them?

[–] Eq0@literature.cafe 1 points 23 hours ago

Yeah, gym class seems like a lot at one time. Hope does she handle school? You say she has friend in the neighborhood, so she has social connections. Can you set up activities with known and unknown people at the same time? Going to the playground is good short term interaction, so there is little “pressure to perform”.

I would also remember that being a bit shy is not a problem and most kids naturally grow out of it. Keep providing opportunities for growth and eventually it will happen.

Good luck!

[–] WalnutLum@lemmy.ml 0 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I don't know if it's something you need to force on someone. From what I've seen it takes a lot of casual exposure to socialization to get someone to become "less shy."

Especially kids, you have to get them to do something they think is fun that also has people there so they kind of make the connection that socializing with people can also be fun.

I think trying a bunch of different hobbies to see what works is definitely the right approach though! That 5-10 age range is when they're figuring out what they even like, so it's prime exposure time for all kinds of stuff! If you can manage it try everything for like 2-4 meetups to see how she reacts and if she hooks onto something then boom you've found your socializing catalyst!

[–] reabsorbthelight@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

I've tried a number of different hobbies and it's a struggle usually. With an art class she was crying beforehand, but I sat next to her and she was fine after the first class. She has fun and laughs as she makes silly stuff.

The "forcing" is just the first couple times, but she'd literally just stay home eternally if I didn't make her do things. Other than at least one exercise/movement hobby for health, I kind of don't care what the hobbies are, but want her to do something.