Ask Lemmy

Because happy people don't talk about why they are happy.

Just like kids. People usually share the hardships unless prompted to share the good memories.

We like to share our struggles and commiserate so that we feel better. When we are happy, we don't need to do that.

You're talking to the wrong people. My life got so much better once I got married.

13 years in relationship, 3 years married, my life is better than I ever hoped for and most of it is because of my wife, zero regrets although hardships do happen, its all about the partner you pick

Abusive relationships and mentally ill women are more common than society allows people to admit.

No matter how good the benefits are, people in an abusive relationship can't truly access them.

You talking to people who have encountered that. It's truly incomprehensible to people who haven't experienced it. Hence the wide uncross-able gulf between the two sides.

Because the married men you are talking to are either trash, married to trash, or are not compatible with the person they married or too early into their marriage to tell.

I can't imagine marrying someone that I didn't consider a best friend. I adore my wife, and my life is infinitely better with and because of her. Our first couple years were rough, but we've both worked to improve. We have each other's backs, support each other through thick and thin, laugh with each other, and just generally compliment each other's weaknesses with individual strengths.

I detest wife hating boomer humor because it has never once resonated with me. If you don't love them and don't love being with them, why marry or stay married, go be happy elsewhere with someone else.

23 years, while hard, I'm very happy

Sounds like the men you're talking to are selfish pricks. There's no way I'd trade my wife for anything. Being single sucked why would I want to go back?

What do you mean by “marriage benefits?” Are talking about strictly legal issues or just the general benefits of being married? Because people can get pretty much all of the general, non-legal benefits of marriage just by being in a close, long-term, living-together relationship.

Most of the men I’ve heard talking about how marriage isn’t worth it are referring to the potential of divorce and the financial fallout they’re likely to experience if that happens. It depends on where you live, but a lot of divorce laws are still pretty old and force breadwinners to largely finance their divorcee’s lifestyles after separation. I can understand why some men would feel that marriage is thus a “bad deal” in that respect.

Years ago when I told coworkers I got engaged I kept hearing “you’re making a mistake” and “why?” I knew immediately that these dudes were losers that did not value their partner as much as I do. I could not imagine being without my wife. She is my best friend, companion, champion, confidant, partner in life among so many other things. Find the right person to share your life with, marriage is an investment.

I think you're talking to the wrong people, or you may be taking them too seriously.

Is my wife frustrating? At times.

Would I rather be single? Not even fucking slightly.

I've been married nearly 20 years. My wife and I have been together for longer than we've been apart.

I cannot imagine life without her. And yes we bicker a lot, but I wouldn't trade our connection and friendship for anything.

Except maybe to be able to talk to the dog.

Depends who you talk to. Clearly your circle is limited in it's views.

I think there are many reasons.

Some people are legitimately miserable in their marriage because they shouldn't have gotten married. They married for the wrong reasons, or to the wrong person.

Some people complain about their spouses because they think they have to. They do it like a bonding ritual. If you don't join in, you get excluded.

Finally, since you say every man you talk to says being single is better, I think it might have something to do with who you're talking to.

If you were talking to me, I wouldn't say being single is better. However, I married the right person for the right reasons. I've been with my wife for over 39 years and married for 32.

Relationships require a certain degree of maturity from both parties. I know some people who have been married multiple times, and I used to wonder how they had the energy for a second, third, fourth marriage. Then I realized it was because they aren't putting any effort into the relationships. They weren't looking for a spouse. They were looking for a substitute mommy or daddy.

I would guess is that the people most vocal about marriage are the ones who are the most unhappy with their marriage.

I wouldn't know though, I'm not married.

My guess: these men never learned how to maintain and care for a relationship or cannot stand up for themselves. At the beginning of a relationship everything is exciting and without maintenance (from both sides) it quickly goes downhill. I can imagine for some of those men this downhill part is their equivalent view of marriage / long term relationship. Which checks out if your experience is dominated by passive or active neglect from/of their partner ,

Married 7 years, wouldn't trade it for the world

That said, being single is easier/less complicated.

Marriage is all about compromise, it's basically impossible that you're going to 100% agree on absolutely everything with your spouse, and you're both flawed humans odds are once in a while you're gonna do something that pisses each other off, you're going to have to occasionally put your own stuff on the back burner to help with theirs etc.

And that's hard for a lot of people.

And arguably might be even harder for a lot of men with toxic masculinity, societal expectations, gender roles, etc. not gonna pick that apart too much right now.

Also, in a lot of cases, it may be worth not taking things too seriously, everyone's got a different sense of humor, and jokes don't always land the right way. My wife and I pretty regularly joke about wanting a divorce, but it is absolutely 100% a divorce. I usually get threatened with it over making a stupid pun or dad joke, for example, hardly serious grounds for a divorce.

Grass is always greener, innit?

It's misogynist tropes. As is the 'monogomy ain't natural' bs.

As others have said, you're talking to the wrong people or affirming a confirmation bias, or a combo....

The grass is always greener. Anecdotes aren't proof.

And, ymmv!

one of the many reasons I've heard is that men are unhappy with the financial benefits it entitles the woman to.

IMO receiving money in the event of divorce is one of the few ways a woman is protected while living a "traditional" lifestyle; when she leaves the workforce to care for a home and children, she's both giving up a the opportunity to save and invest capital, AND she's giving up becoming experienced in her field. Giving up the experience means she that if she loses financial support and attempts to return to the workforce, she would have to do so in a junior role in her field, if she can find work at all. Things like alimony and division of assets are, at least imo, a completely fair compensation for the unrespected but very real work of homemaking.

And while that's ultimately not a lifestyle that suits me personally, there are a lot of men who want a tradwife, but don't respect that that's going to require them to be a trad husband. One of the reasons I got married as a working / career oriented woman was that I thought my domestic house husband deserved financial security in payment for supporting my career. I think a lot of it really does just come down to the underlying misogyny of not considering homemaking to be a legitimate profession when it's been fundamental to society longer than written record.

My wife made me a better parent, a better friend, and a more empathetic and aware person in general. I don't think I would have had that opportunity to improve without really connecting with her at a level that you can only really get through a very close, trusting relationship.

I highly recommend you read through this book. You'll quickly see those guys in a different light:

https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

I think everyone is different. Five years married here, 10+ together. I fall more and more in love with my husband year after year which I haven't heard from a lot of people happening.

My husband has always loved me. We talk about marriage vs single a lot because a lot of our friends still involuntarily single. We dont miss being single and are in a very healthy, strong relationship.

We have our own hobbies, space, etc. But still like to spend a lot of our time together but dont need to. Sex is better and as frequent as the start. I mean, whatever you want from your relationship just communicate it and have someone that matches those preferences, goals, whatever it may be.

Probably because they're stuck in the patriarchal ideas of wanting a bangmaid, mother and therapist while thinking their duties end when they are off work.