this post was submitted on 26 Oct 2025
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My only brother killed himself. I just saw him last weekend and we played some board games and got dinner. I’m trying not to blame myself, but you can’t help dissecting every little interaction. Could I have been kinder? Could I have called him this week? Would it have changed anything? There’s no way to know.

He had been having paranoid delusions of people spying on him for years, but I never thought he could do something like this. He was in a much darker place than any of us realized.

I live 3 1/2 hours away. I thought my parents were his support system. I never worried about someone needing to keep an eye out for warning signs. I want to say there were none but they were there.

Tell your loved ones you are there for them no matter what. Actually be there for them. Do not let them go through this world alone.

I just had to type this out. I’m not looking for psychiatric help online. If this gets removed anyway that’s fine.

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[–] Lemmygradwontallowme@hexbear.net 28 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

NO no... my condolences. I don't know how to process this.

[–] Sulvy@hexbear.net 16 points 2 weeks ago

I know Lem, he joined us for a few movie nights :(

[–] Infamousblt@hexbear.net 27 points 2 weeks ago

I just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss comrade, that sounds really heavy.

[–] SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net 26 points 2 weeks ago

That's awful and I'm so sorry, please take care of yourself and don't beat yourself up.

[–] Awoo@hexbear.net 24 points 2 weeks ago

I've had this happen with 4 people I was close to at this point and let me tell you now, even if you saw the signs, even if you tried to do something, even if everything had been perfect, it can still happen. Absolutely do not blame yourself.

For anyone else going through these thoughts, remember that your death as a radical is a win for the bourgeoisie. Your very survival when you are an active advocate for the end of the current state of things is a victory for us. Of all those that I've seen go through this, it is comrades who have not committed suicide while it is those that did not radicalise who carried it out. The stubborn desire to rebel and revolt is stronger than the suicidal ideation.

All the best OP.

[–] Guamer@hexbear.net 20 points 2 weeks ago

Very sorry for you and their loved one's loss

[–] insurgentrat@hexbear.net 16 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I am sorry, I understand the guilt. I had an ex and dear friend try to kill himself and damn near succeed. You can't predict the future, if you thought differently at the time you would have done something different. It's not on you, so many things have to go wrong before someone tries.

The guilt will fade in time, it's going to be hard. Try to be as gentle and understanding to yourself as you would be to someone else in the same situation.

[–] Sulvy@hexbear.net 11 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Thank you, I have two people outside my family that have helped me process and listened to how I'm feeling. They have been great over the last couple days.

[–] insurgentrat@hexbear.net 7 points 2 weeks ago

A lot of grief is lonely but it's good to share the parts that can be.

[–] Lussy@hexbear.net 14 points 2 weeks ago

I’m sorry Sulv

[–] Comrade_Mushroom@hexbear.net 13 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Same thing happened to my brother. Same thing with delusions about being spied on. We weren't very close but I still find myself asking if he thought I wouldn't care if he did it.

[–] Sulvy@hexbear.net 9 points 2 weeks ago

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m worried he felt that way too. He’d be wrong if he did.

[–] Aradino@hexbear.net 12 points 2 weeks ago

I'm so sorry for your loss. hugs

[–] kristina@hexbear.net 12 points 2 weeks ago

fuck thats rough man

too many of my queer friends have died to this over the years. you really do dissect every interaction, and i wish it got better. all i can say is that life is a very precious thing and its good that we got to experience it with the people we love while we could :\

[–] I_Voxgaard@hexbear.net 9 points 2 weeks ago

Comrade I'm so sorry.

[–] Nakoichi@hexbear.net 8 points 2 weeks ago

Fuck dude I'm so sorry. I had to intervene on my friend actively attempting to hang himself and I don't know if I will ever recover from that but at least he's still alive (for now).

[–] infuziSporg@hexbear.net 7 points 2 weeks ago

A few years ago, right after losing 2 friends in the same way in quick succession, I made sure to promise my brother that I would not render him alone on this earth by my own hand.

If I were in those shoes I would be so devastated and I know he would too. The pain becomes an ache, but it never truly ends.

These things often happen for reasons outside the control of a second party, but any reason to keep on living is a good one.

[–] CommunistCuddlefish@hexbear.net 7 points 2 weeks ago

I'm so sorry Sulv

personal and relatedI've had a brother struggle with suicidality too and we're pretty estranged (at least for now), but him doing that is one of my worst nightmares.

[–] deforestgump@hexbear.net 5 points 2 weeks ago

we love you!

[–] Lurkerino@hexbear.net 5 points 2 weeks ago

My father did that too 7 years ago, never blame yourself or try to look for any small little detail of "I could have", It doesnt really work like that, they wouldnt want you to think like that either. If you need to vent we are here.