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109

CW: Suicide (hexbear.net)

submitted 2 weeks ago by Sulvy@hexbear.net to c/chat@hexbear.net

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My only brother killed himself. I just saw him last weekend and we played some board games and got dinner. I’m trying not to blame myself, but you can’t help dissecting every little interaction. Could I have been kinder? Could I have called him this week? Would it have changed anything? There’s no way to know.

He had been having paranoid delusions of people spying on him for years, but I never thought he could do something like this. He was in a much darker place than any of us realized.

I live 3 1/2 hours away. I thought my parents were his support system. I never worried about someone needing to keep an eye out for warning signs. I want to say there were none but they were there.

Tell your loved ones you are there for them no matter what. Actually be there for them. Do not let them go through this world alone.

I just had to type this out. I’m not looking for psychiatric help online. If this gets removed anyway that’s fine.

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[–] insurgentrat@hexbear.net 16 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I am sorry, I understand the guilt. I had an ex and dear friend try to kill himself and damn near succeed. You can't predict the future, if you thought differently at the time you would have done something different. It's not on you, so many things have to go wrong before someone tries.

The guilt will fade in time, it's going to be hard. Try to be as gentle and understanding to yourself as you would be to someone else in the same situation.

[–] Sulvy@hexbear.net 11 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Thank you, I have two people outside my family that have helped me process and listened to how I'm feeling. They have been great over the last couple days.

[–] insurgentrat@hexbear.net 7 points 2 weeks ago

A lot of grief is lonely but it's good to share the parts that can be.