Programmer Humor

Agile/Scrum, ISO 9001, ITIL, Six Sigma, CMMI, etc; it's all cargo cults.

We had a great saying in a team I uses to be on: "Write good code and hope no one notices"

there comes a time where you have so little supervision that you can actually do something interesting and productive

Not every person is the same.

Rules and processes and documentation and change management often times equals stability and repeatable successes. Some people thrive in this environment.

Moving fast and breaking shit with no rules or processes or documentation or change management often times leads to outages and an environment where you have to be the hero or a real IT "rockstar" to be successful. Some people thrive in this environment.

If you don't like all the rules and processes and documentation and change management, then you should know thyself and find a different job.

• Spending a day or more every quarter/half sorting out your roadmap, prioritising stakeholder needs, tech debt and enhancements
• Someone from senior leadership decides they want random thing they invented and blows the roadmap up
• Much wanted feature (X) or issue gets pushed back
• CEO makes a comment in a company wide meeting how they can't understand why we simply can't do X thing yet
• Everyone in Product scrambles to make X a priority
• Go to step 1

Forced password resets.
Entropy defeats recall.
Desk blooms with secrets.

Oh god, add in "random scripts throw errors that you've never seen before" and the anus-clenching Teams DONK sound that precedes yet another poorly-worded indecipherable rant from my boss.

• waiting 20 minutes for your PC to boot all the corporate bloatware before it's usable
• quarterly 4-hour-long all-department meeting that could have been an email
• "incorporating" the latest tech buzzword into your process because that one manager has nothing better to do
• "celebrating" things like Company Culture Week™ and other BS stuff imagined up by people with nothing better to do

fix json

fuck why is everything broken

spend whole day trying to figure out

oh yeah i see the trailing comma from when i cut and pasted

Having a team touch base, followed by a daily standup, followed by a quality initiative meeting, followed by a biweekly support touch base, followed by a demo for a tool your team will never use, followed by lunch and learn session over some AI tool you'll be forced to use, followed by your biweekly 1:1 with the manager, followed by the department touch base, followed by the company all hands.... Aaaaand done with meetings. Finally, some time to get some work done... then your downstream customer wants you to investigate why their counts don't match yours.... "could you run the totals again? Could you run them broken down by hour? By minute? By second? Can you get me a list of each record at these 6 timestamps? Can I get them in a different format? Oops, the problem was on our end." Great. And it's 5 o'clock. Scrum master gonna be up my ass about story points tomorrow.

All this is great if you're working remote. At least you can be far away from a cubicle or even worse - an open office while doing all this nonsense.

“Let’s try to get this thing done with a ridiculous deadline, knowing full well that the work will be discarded because of overriding factor X but it looks good that the team got it done in the deadline someone set, so the someone will get their bonus”

Move slow and no things.

• it's time for quarterly security training again where you learn not to open exe files attached to emails.

I'd love a job like this and I'm not even joking

Also every time a techbro tweets something a random number generator may fir- lay you off due to financial decisions.

attend mandatory training

Are you spying on me? Had to change my password this week. And we're in a release freeze.

"As I mentioned in my previous email(s)..."

Build a skunk works, it's like an IT department's shadow IT, shave a yak, shed a bike.

I love doing big capital projects and spending literally millions of dollars in developer hours just for senior leadership to change their minds after the fact and not want any of what we just built!

• Listening to some idiot salesman talk about his company's extremely shitty SaaS product because your manager thought the email that the shit company sent him wasn't the result of leads from data brokers selling email address data.