This is not that big of a deal but still wanted to vent.

I had a friend group with like ten people I met through group therapy with a trans psychologist. We made our own chat group and started hanging out, mostly going to clubs together. It was mostly me, and three others, but sometimes other friends would join. Then, last year I was on vacation with my main friend group and I wasn't present for the last couple of outings with the trans friends. Then the first couple of months of the new school year I wasn't present for the few outings they had due to a busy schedule. Then I saw that one friend left the group chat. This was sudden, and nobody mentioned it. This was a huge deal since they were the one who was organising all the outings. After that there were no new outings planned for a couple of months. After a while I decided to organise something myself.

So I asked if they wanted to hang out and they were receptive. We decided to go to a bar. But it took a couple of weeks to decide which bar we wanted to go to and when, because people waited a long time to reply. When the appointment came it was four of us. Two friends who also went a lot of times to the outings with me. These two became good friends and I think they are hanging out a lot together outside of the friend group. So that probably explains why they don't do a lot of outreach to the group chat. The other friend who was present almost never went because she doesn't like clubs, so this was the first time I saw her in a long time. She probably has less of a clue what's going on than me. I didn't mention the friend who left because I thought they would mention by themselves, and because it was maybe sensitive. I had the impressing that they saw this outing as just a fun one-off thing. And after that they never reached out to me or the group chat to hang out again.

I decided to wait until Pride to reach out since that's a good excuse to hang out since we're all trans. And since it's six months later it's been time to hang out again. So three weeks ago I suggested to go to the Trans Pride walk together. Nobody replied. So two weeks later I asked again, two days before the walk. This time people did reply that they're busy and couldn't go. They weren't the activist type, so this was maybe also expected, but it's still frustrating. Fine, so I went alone. I decided to share a video of the walk to the group chat, so I could at least share something of the walk with them. Nobody commented.

It frustrates me that suddenly we went from hanging out every two weeks to not hanging out for every six months and even the group chat is lifeless. I have decided to try again in one or two months, and this time I'm gonna suggest to go to a bar again. If again nobody wants to go I'm gonna ask what the fuck's going on. Although I'm probably going to ask that regardless. These were one of the few trans people I hang out with so it's sad that almost all my trans personal connections have gone away.

I had insurance at the time of the stop, but I had changed carriers to bundle with home insurance and forgot to download their app. Whatever. I was able to figure out who my insurance carrier was during the stop and navigate to their website, but the cop said "we're past that" because he'd already written me up (and probably also saw the M on my license). Again, whatever.

A month later I show the clerk of court my insurance card... but little did I know it wasn't valid, because my insurance has effective date periods of 6 months and my card showed a date range after the stop. But they said it was fine at the courthouse! They said I was done, I didn't need to do anything else. I only found out that it was invalid later, but I thought I was done and wasn't looking for more mail from the county! So, by the time I saw the letter it was too late to present proof of insurance. Fucking, whatever.

So then I had a court date set up, and I'd have to appear under my deadname and try to pass as a man despite my chest being pretty hard to hide at this point, but fucking whatever I can handle the humiliation. I went through the trouble of printing out physical copies of everything too, so I could present it to the judge and we could get this dismissed. I even picked up a basic outfit I thought was masc enough so I could be all presentable for the court (and hopefully they'd not rule against me.)

And I've been so scared, because technically they could take my license for this if they decide I need to be taught a lesson or something. I've been panicking in preparation for this court date for months. Random outbursts of crying, self harm, etc. I even rode my bicycle 32 miles to and from work to see if I could survive without a license (conclusion: maybe??? it'd be hard as hell!).

And somehow, after all this fucking effort and all that panic, I misread the date. I thought it was on the 8th, not that it was in August. All my preparation was for nothing, I failed at every single step of this debacle and had to pay like $500 in fines and fees. I decided not to appeal, because fuck this shit I don't want to do this anymore I am fucking done.

Didn't lose my license though! So, I'll survive this. I just feel so humiliated for making this series of extremely simple errors that I could have avoided with even a second more attention at any point in the process. I could have immediately downloaded the correct app or (even better) requested ID cards, I could have checked my mail and would have seen I needed to provide more documentation, I could have read the court date more carefully - over and over and over I failed to do even the most basic tasks.

The brain damage from my bike accident years ago must be worse than I thought. I guess I need to keep a journal or something, maybe look for some apps or something, holy shit, this could have killed me! I've been so miserable for most of the year and have spiraled up and down the mental health rabbit hole because of this nightmare. But. I endure. $500 poorer, but this didn't kill me.

But to her, her problem is Capitalism - and Im capitalizing it on purpose. She's intensely focused on how there's no hope because of Capitalism and there is no point in therapy, medicine, seeking community, anything until Capitalism is abolished. Now, capitalism (the actual system now) absolutely is gonna make her problems worse and contribute to them and she would probably be better off under socialism or whatever. But to start off saying that she cannot deal with any problems, mental or physical, until Capitalism is abolished is really just a way to say she doesn't want to or just can't bring herself to do anything about it.

Her problems she talks about or identifies are pretty standard constellation you'd see online: transgender, neurodivergent, disabled, chronic conditions, permanently single, etc. She's not wrong that all of that can make life harder - but you can live a happy life and feel good about yourself while having them all. Saying you're doomed to a worthless life because of that is actually quite hateful, its just not extended outwards like chuds would do.

And its frustrating to watch someone, like, refuse to take steps towards getting healthy. I see it at work too with frequent fliers who just deteriorate - like diabetics who come back with another toe lost, or now blind, more MRSA cellulitis, scabies or whatever. She asks for advice but gets frustrated that it circles back to "you need to get in therapy, eat healthy, sleep 8 hours and keep good sleep hygiene." But also doesn’t do any of that or give it an honest shot - like one session with a therapist 5 years ago is not "I tried therapy and it doesnt work" and you gotta keep sleep hygiene for longer than 2 days, and you have to actually eat your meals in a day and not just fill up on water and a bite of cake...

But thats also how depression works as a disease. It makes you think nothing can work and saps away your resilience and inner wherewithal/reserve to try even after a failed attempt. Kinda reminds me of borderline - which is actually very treatable and DBT actually is quite successful and effective, its just really hard to get people to go to it and stick to it. But if they do, it works! Kinda sucks the same organ that does reasoning and makes plans is the one thats effected by the illness.

I have had a lot of dreams throughout my life that were some flavour of "they're going to find out your faking it!" (It being gender something)

And since my egg exploded into a thousand pieces I haven't really had any dreams where I see myself as any gender presentation.

Well, the other night, I had a dream that a friend and I were going to another friend's house, and this friend was (relevant) Muslim. We get there, she invites us in, and she wasn't wearing her (it was a dream so I don't know, hijab maybe? ) and I was confused. I said something like " ohh, your not wearing your (hijab)?" And she said to me: "well, you're a woman aren't you?".

So I guess this means my brain is starting to work through the mess of -phobia's and emotional suppressions/repressions , and moving towards acceptance?

Not sure lol but I know I have been on an emotional rollercoaster, and I am sooooo happy that I have incredibly supportive friends! Like (I'm getting yappy now lol) I was terrified to come out to them, but it turns out that its because I didn't know they cared so much about me and now I'm both happy that they do, and that I'm now emotionally available enough to know it. Family will be harder for me but we all have to go at our own speed, and it sort of feels like I'm speed running it.

Now that I feel myself around friends, all I want to do is hang out and chat with them. I worry, maybe unfounded, that I am waaay too much (adhd makes impulse control really hard) for them. And I probably am to some extent. Idk, its probably good to spread myself out between different friends/friend groups so I don't Icarus this lol