Ask Lemmy

There will be plenty of time as you get to know a person later on that you can meet at a bar for a drink which isn’t and shouldn’t be a big deal.

You can get to first know the person as is with a coffee. Coffee or tea doesnt change a personality. Alcohol can.

If they can’t handle just going for a coffee and get all weirdly defensive about you not having a drink that it’s a red flag.

Alcohol can mask if they are an alcoholic on your first meet. And if they are insistent about getting alcohol as a first meet and make it a big deal like it’s their ‘everything’ that is telling you they are likely an alcoholic. That’s how addicts are about the thing they are addicted to.

Red flags aren’t something you accommodate. It’s something you take as a warning sign.

Expected by whom, society? Who cares? You do you, if you don't want to drink then a polite 'no thanks I'd rather get coffee' or whatever is all you need. Anyone who tries to pressure you into drinking after that is an asshole, and why do you care what assholes think?

It's common, but not expected in the sense that most potential partners would be put off by your choice not to drink. If a date pressures you to drink when you don't want to, that's a red flag. Maybe propose something other than a bar if you don't want to drink.

Why drink if you’re gonna drive?

A large number of people, perhaps even a majority think that it's perfectly fine to drive after light drinking. The bar industry in the USA has tried to push a narrative that it's mainly severely impaired drivers who cause crashes and the current DUI thresholds are too low. I used to think that until I went looking for research to back it up and found that there's a pretty linear response in terms of driving worse as BAC increases. Driving is dangerous enough without any impairment.

What is expected is that you are kind to your date and spend your time getting to know each other.

Be very skeptical of any "rules" of first dates. This one is definitely bunk.

Lots of people don't drink.

Lots of people don't like bars.

Lots of people think dinner/drinks where there is nothing to do but chat is an awful first date. (Hello, this one is me 100%).

Lots of people are conscientious of drinking on a first date with a person they don't know as a safety measure. (Hello, me again).

Throw in religious/cultural/medical needs on drinking and this "rule" falls apart even faster.

Give your potential date an option of drinks [if you're ok with alcohol obviously) or coffee/tea. It let's them decide what they are comfortable with.

OP: what age are you and where are you from?

People discussing their opinion is just that: people discussion their opinion. There is no rule, end of the story. No matter how well formalized said opinion may be.

The only rules that matter are the ones you and your date agree on and largely revolve around where it is you decide to meet. There's nothing wrong with either of you having a drink if you're somewhere that serves alcohol. There's a lot wrong if either of you go on a bender. There's also nothing wrong with drinking a soft drink too. Or doing an activity based date rather than a food/drink oriented one.

Just communicate openly with each other before the date with an eye towards your dates feelings/perception of safety.

Depends on the setting.

• A restaurant? Maybe a beer or a glass of wine with the food. Individual preference of beverage decides - Doesn't have to be alcohol.
• A bar? Yup.
• Going for a walk? Now I want to see someone doing shots while strolling in an increasingly wavering line. Handholding encouraged for safety reasons.

Always depends upon the setting and people involved.

Your traditional romantic dinner is almost certainly going to involve wine. (In a stereotypical western culture setting)

My dates have typically been in a more casual environment. Being invited to parties (alcohol or more), movie theaters (typical movie house snacks), Beach (cooler of water bottles, pop, light snacks, or whatever is available there)

DO NOT push your date to drink or do anything they aren't comfortable with.

Informed consent is key.

We are all people trying to make it on this blue marble. Don't leave it worse than how you found it.

The answer to this is the same as the answer to most social situations: It depends.

Do you drink now? If not, a first date is probably not the best time to try it out for the first time. If you do drink, but tend to overdo it, pay mind to keep it under control.

Does your date drink? If not, they may not feel comfortable in a bar or other alcohol-centric location.

Do what works for both of you, not what other people enjoy. Choose a location or activity that matches your interests! And, if you suggest something that aligns with what you know about your date, you're going to score bonus points! If they are outdoorsy, suggest a hike. They like craft beer, suggest a brewery. If they are a gamer, maybe a board game lounge. Anything can be a great first date as long as you both enjoy your time together!

The rule is to do what you're both comfortable with, and see if those things match up. If you're not up for drinking, then don't. And recognize that social drinking might be more important to the person you're interested in.

Don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Don’t listen to people giving dating advice.

Depends on the people. There aren't any strict rules. Some people won't, some will. Some might even end up in bed right after. As long as everyone involved is comfortable with it, it's fine.

If you aren't comfortable with drinking on a first date, then don't. If like me you never drink alcohol, then don't.
Also depends on the alcohol. Large difference between wine and vodka.

But I haven't ever dated either, so... Personally I can't imagine any date that involves any drinks and food. Coffee, I don't do that either. Tea? Down in one go. Water? Awkward, and also down in one go. Food? Can't focus on anything else, gotta finish first.

Media has taught us that a first date involves drinking in a bar or restaurant, in part because of movie shorthand. (Dinner and drinks is a date, forget the rest of the evening, we just set the stage to imply the rest.)

As many others have said, your normal is your normal. Don't let society or Hollywood pressure you into dating 'their way'.

I met my wife on a date at a coffeehouse near here house. We then went to a pizza place across the street. No alcohol involved, but I did bring a board game into the restaurant with us.

Most people I know meet up for coffee.

I don't think its uncommon to have a beer at a restaurant or as a drink or dinner. Meeting up at a bar for drinks as a first date feels funky, at least in my region.

If that's not your jam then probably don't push into it. A date should be a comfy experience for everyone involved, if possible.

I see a lot of good takes here, and I would venture a guess that it also probably varies by what country one is talking about.

Perhaps re-frame the question: is it expected that you should partake of marijuana on the first date?

Really, a date is about getting to know each other, and any assumptions about the suitability of these kinds of social lubricants may indicate a divergence or convergence of cultural norms.

In other words, arranging a to meet at a bar sends a signal well before the "date" actually begins about how you approach life... if such a proposal is accepted then the other party is at least open to you consuming.

There are quite likely a lot of people who will breeze right past this and proceed to get tipsy to provide a cover story for embarrassing mistakes... and every but of this is fodder for judging how well you will get along if there are further dates. Don't get depressed if the other person decides against future dates... no matter your feelings if they don't feel likewise then best to drop it early.

The important thing to do is communicate the kind of person you are... forgiving, uptight, loose, teetotaler... and learn what kind of person the other is... preferably without conflict, and with respect. If alcohol fits with your persona, don't hide it.

It varies widely depending on the people and all of the stereotypes about dating exist people enough people promote it, but zero of them work for everyone.

Movies were a popular first date too, but not everyone likes going to the movies. Too many people, too loud, and a large number of people just don't like watching movies.

Not everyone wants to go out to dinner because of hangups about their own eating habits.

Not everyone wants to go out for a walk at a park. They could have physical issues or allergies or something else that they don't want to be the focus of a first date.

Not everyone drinks or wants to drink on a first date. But a lot of people also have one or maybe two drinks, not to get drunk but because they find it relaxing. Most people would see getting drunk as a bad sign unless they see it as a sign of a fellow alcoholic. In fact, the only people I can think of that would want their date to get drunk are sex pests.

Where I live, yes, though we're pretty much a nation of alcoholics in denial.

I like to have a drink or two but wouldn’t say dates go smoother with a drink. It depends on the people and the location.

Dinner at a nice place, sure, one or two alcoholic drinks with dinner is common but absolutely not necessary. Going to a coffee shop or some other cafe type place for lunch, I wouldn’t drink alcohol in a situation like that. You could do a more active date, like hike or go to a local museum or zoo. Some people like to get a drink after a hike but again it’s not necessary to drink alcohol.

I always liked to do the more active date and then maybe a meal after and sometimes that meal will involve alcohol but I live in a bigger city so I can get a taxi or ride share if I need it.

I just drink tea when I go to a bar and need to drive, no one has ever commented about it

Absolutely no alcohol on the first date. To me it is a red flag and we probably won’t see each other again.

I am here to see if there is any spark or if I can even stand you in person and vice versa. Alcohol doesn’t help with that and it shows me you probably have a drinking problem.

These kind of things are those you should be picky about when dating. I had to learn this the hard way with two psycho exes in a row. Say no, take your time with the candidates and choose while sober.