cw: drug use
feeling like i picked a good week to stop smoking weed 
this post was submitted on 03 Feb 2025
67 points (100.0% liked)
traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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Hi everybody! My schedule has been really unforgiving, so I may or may not end up writing something and making changes to the post later in the week.
Regardless, I hope you all have a good week!
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Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It's for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
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crazy cars truly lead you nowhere
any himejin have some good recs?
after hours, crescent moon and doughnuts, hanamonogatari, and trying out love with my female friend 
huh. never heard that name, always himejoshi
i guess himejin is gender neutral
I'm waking up at 5am on Monday to drive two hours to get a nice cassette player/recorder that actually records in stereo to make a Valentine's mixtape for my partner. The things I do for love 
i feel like it's no longer a microtransaction when it's Β£45
I painted my nails and I wasn't sure I liked it, and then I put on girlclothes and all of a sudden I really like it
stupid sarcastic rhetorical about the state of the US CW
So since the federal govt says we don't exist, we don't pay taxes anymore, right?
spoiler
Β‘No taxation without representation!
TIL Iβm too weak to work at a bakery 
wouldn't you just get dog hair all over the food anyway
cracked out my dumbbells
gonna look like overwatch zarya by the end of the month :arm-L:
:arm-R:
I want to be friends with cis lesbians who can teach me how to be like them. I was in contact with two classmates who are cis lesbians but now that class is over I have no contact with them and we sadly didn't become friends.
*Trans lesbians who are far along in their transition are okay too.
My mom made me a knit cardigan and it looks so great 
The sincere posting zone, earlier this week I saw a doctor about starting informed consent HRT. I figure if I don't like it I'll stop. If I like it sooner is better than later.
As an omen as I was driving I got stuck behind this Ute covered in bumper stickers and chalk writing, talking about covid19, government tyranny and globalism, etc. To crown it all it had a Eureka Stockade flag mounted and flying. But on the rear bumper in pastel blue chalk in the fruitiest handwriting it simply said "Stop feminising our menβ. And I felt well shit if that wasn't a sign from the universe to do the opposite as what this driver wanted.
The consult went fine and I'm catching up at the end of the month to finalize consent check baseline bloods etc. They were very nice. But also doctors don't really understand when you say "If I end up not liking breasts I can have a breast reduction and get some cool as fuck scars".
Much earlier in my transition after starting hormones and growing boobs, I do remember the distinct thought of "well great even if I detransition I'll always have boobs now!" As in I honestly thought I'd be happier with them, and I was right but it's because I was in NO DANGER of detransitioning and was a woman lol
Doctors want you to be a stepford wife if you are taking E
Very nice person (actively choosing to do informed consent hrt as a GP). But at multiple points had to be like βuh yes this is the dysphoria give me the anti-dysphoria tablet, uh I played with dolls when I was youngβ¦β
Part of the motivating factor is my sibling is actually trans, non binary and taking testosterone. Which is kind of a crazy statistical thing but statistics is like that. And honestly self-criticism we had been slightly estranged, I'd known they were GNC for years and I had kind of written them off as a whole Theyfab type situation (I will learn and grow) and we had a whole magical Christmas reunion last year.
I read Silence, I liked it, it was interesting. I came away wondering about self-sacrifice. Martyrdom is a constant theme (they're dealing with pretty intense suppression of Japanese Christianity in the 1600s), it's something we see people go through and Roderigues own thoughts evolve on.
It's never easy when your fate is held in someone elses hands but I do wonder if it's easier to die for your beliefs or to live for them.
spoiler, actual spoilers lol
Rodrigues has to commit apostaty by stepping on an image of Christ. The meaning in the act is drained as much as possible by the Japanese magistrate, they reassure everyone that stepping on the fumie is just a formality and they will not and can not stop them from believing regardless - later we find out apostate Japanese are tortured until Roderigues regents. But the act on stepping on the image of Christ is so tied up in Roderigues world view that he still imbues it with intense symbolic meaning. He is told this will be the most painful act of love he will commit in his life, and it probably is.
He came to Japan with Garrp, another priest, who also can't bring himself to commit apostasy and swims out to the ocean trying to save some tortured Christians before drowning. He was willing to die for his beliefs. But the torture didn't stop, it only did with Roderigues who was willing to live for them. Years later he still provides absolution (the catholic penitence right) to a recurring character, and in real life the church survived and there are still Christians practicing openly in Japan today.
It made me think if there's some critical moment in my life, some disaster, there are things I'd be willing to die for. But choosing self sacrifice and having to live with it, for years and decades, that might be harder.
I think I saw a clip of that scene on youtube.
They made it into a movie? I'm kinda surprised tbh
Oh weird, they made the Jesus voice over more resigned and accepting. When I read the book I imagined him more desperate to convince, and also miraculous - the bronze tablet actually moving. Interesting choice
Sleep escapes me tonight, so instead of trying to go back to sleep, I'm going to post and/or browse the internet until I pass out. Yay.
I'm going to be so damned eepy tomorrow.
mood
Yo I am flipping through Bo Burnham's book of poems and this MF is an egg.
These ones are content warning for dysphoria posting
spoiler
Theres a couple more that Hexbear won't let me post for some reason
This one in particular had a real dogtooth vibe.
Fixed
I gouged my eyes out
only to find another much better pair behind them.
It's kind of funny that there's really only three ways to retire your account on Hexbear.
Touch grass (Ulysses Tuggy, Gayhobbes etc), lose your mind and go reactionary on a weird issue (Sevendeadlyfetishes and a whole bunch of others I've 
'd from my memory) and trans your gender and make a new account (@EstraDoll@hexbear.net.)
As someone whose been here from the start, sure I've got a few prehistoric monotremes up my sleeves for alts, but 3 is probably on the cards in a month or two.
I will never stop posting. Transed my gender on this account 4 years ago, took a year long break from the site, and even had a few reactionary takes on weird issues that I have since corrected (anti-natalism, and general misanthropy). I will NEVER retire this account
i have neither touched grass, lost my mind, or transed my gender (since the start of this site anyway). i just came up with a better username
I did not touch grass, but I left for like a year and then came back and made a new one
It's the only true way to retire your HB account 
honestly the biggest reason I even changed mine is that I couldn't shake seeing "he/him" stapled next to Ho_Chi_Chungus even if I did change my pronouns so I just... went with a new account
That and I thought "Damn, EstraDoll goes hard for a username. Someone else should take it. Actually, you know what? Fuck it, I should take it. It's a good username"
Fair enough. I already have my new account lined up (I made it ages ago) . The name is mild cringe as its from a Bo Burnham poem, but I read it during covid19 and it really made me go "huh" . It's already my bsky profile.
I've retired two accounts personally. One for internet deadname and another because it had was an OpSec nightmare >w>
The internet deadname account was here from the start. Don't be afraid to just toss it just because your account is from the beginning. I'm not sure anyone really cares.
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